Belligerent Gay Driver, goes biking.

I as I bike from the scenic south end of the monon trail to the fun filled Broad Ripple section I make a few observations.

1. The south end of the Monon Trail kind of sucks. Not just kind of I mean really sucks. It's a barren wasteland of really unattractive people. Well when there are people, that would be the one nice thing the solitude. The lack of courtesy on that end is also nice I don't know how many times I said "Hey f*#@ head, just trying to cross the street here, there's also a flashing yellow light to look out for us." "A-hole" I just love when they speed up when they see you looking like you are going to cross the street. Seriously I can hear you rev your engine even with my iPod playing. And to the chode who honked when he was 300 feet away and I had just crossed the street, up yours. I was also unaware that horses were aloud on the trail. But if they are fine but bring a shovel and get the horse crap off the trail. And if that's your dog??!?!?!?! yeeeshh!! is all I have to say to that.

2. Broad Ripple, much nicer, hey look cute guy running, the traffic on the cross streets is heavier but they will stop for you which is nice. But I am still skiddish from the south side. Of course more people on the trail too and that is nice but do miss my "me time". Oooo cute guy on a bike. Where was I ah yes also the breeze is cut down by more trees and that is nice to, hot guy running, as well as I feel like I am biking up a hill less. And on the up side my ass has gone numb so I can go for a lot longer now.

3. Did I mention the hot guys up on the north end of the trail. Anyway back to biking related observations. I finally hit the point where people are passing me less on the trail I was fine with the people who obviously race passing me but people who are much larger and older passing was getting old. I admit that I may not be a fast biker but come on. So you must understand my joy when I finally passed my first bikers. No they were not elderly, what is elderly anyway 70-80?? Well these bikers where definitely not 80. Though much like when you drive I hate the people who decide to go faster when they are being passed. Same with Bikers I hate them too. When I started around them they started pedalling faster. I am like really??? I had to slow down because a couple of bikers were coming at me in the other lane. Once they passed the people I attempted to pass slowed down. I believe I let slip something to the effect of "Seriously, make up your minds you dicks." So I just sped up before they had a chance and passed them. I just hate people... like that.

So Monon trail good for a nice trip just avoid the south end cause it sucks and there are a lot of nice looking men who continuously made me feel fat. So to those men I say f*&# off, unless you find that hot then... call me. :)

Open letter from Belligerent Gay Driver

Dear f*%#wad,

I understand that at 7am not many people are leaving the parking lot of my apartment building but there is no need to pull into said parking lot and block cars in. Especially if you are going to take your sweet ass time. Actually it wasn't 7 am it was more like 6:50 and you didn't come back out to move your car until 7:07 but who knows how long you had been there. It also wouldn't have been so bad if the lot had been full but it wasn't or the street 20 feet away had more than the required 1 spot you would have needed for your car.

To all of that I say suck a big donkey dick.

Also when you do finally emerge from whatever the hell you were doing, don't stand around saying you are sorry. If you were sorry you would just move your damned car. Or better yet just don't f@#$ing park your god damned car there. Move it fuctard.

Truly
Belligerent Gay Driver

Belligerent Gay Driver- Tales From the Drive Thru!

What a strange day for our hero. We last saw him speeding away screaming and flipping the bird to some children, who I am sure deserved much worse. Anyway, it was a snowy day and all BGD really wanted was a cheese burger and a coke. It had been a long time since BGD had consumed fast food... shut up, ok it was last week. Back to the story, BGD rounds the corner of the local fast food establishment to find a sea foam green Accord parked roughly 25 ft from the drive thru. The truck "in front" of him was at the speaker. From this scene one may think that the truck just pulled up and the gentleman in the car behind had yet to notice. He was in one of those ambiguous spots where you ask yourself, do you go around or wait. One doesn't want to presume too much in these situations. So BGD waited, and waited... and waited... and honked. The drive who by the way was looking at the back of the truck this entire time decided to pull up. A foot. BGD patiently inches forward to give the drive the ok to move more than the foot he had taken and that in fact there were roughly 20 more he could cover. The driver took no notice. The truck moves on to the payment window. BGD doesn't move, except his hand to the horn where BGD proceeds to give another gentle reminder.

The driver or as we will call him from now on Arch Nemesis, moves up but not really far enough to make it to the speaker. The reason being is that the truck was still 20 feet ahead. One could only assume that was the reason. AN sat two feet from the speaker and 20 from the truck ahead. That was until the truck moved up and then AN felt it was fine to proceed to the speaker. BGD felt that things may now start moving along a bit faster. Foolish hero, AN's window went down, and then back up, and then back down this time for a considerable amount of time, and then back up....











And then the cars started moving. Until it hit the curb and then he backed up giving no heed to the people behind him, which considering the safe distance he gave the truck BGD found odd and proceeded to do some backing up of his own. All things began to move forward again. BGD rolls down the window. "What do you want?" crackled the speaker box. Ummm a better attitude for one thing. BGD found this odd because even the most surly of BK employees at least put on a light facade of giving a shit about their jobs. BGD gives his order and proceeds to the payment window. That was until he was met by, yep you guessed it Arch Nemesis with his window up and no one in front of him at the next window. BGD did not need to do anything because Surly Girl at the payment window knocked on AN's and waved her hand to usher him on to the next destination. BGD was grateful for the unlikely ally.

BGD pays and would like to pull forward but alas AN had his window down and accepting his rations. His window goes up and ... (Wait for it)





BGD honks



Surly Girls side kick Bitchy motioned AN on. He of course only pulled up 3 feet not quite enough room for BGD to pull up get his food and leave. BGD did what any other hero would do. He honked the horn and flipped AN off. AN pulled up 15 feet and stopped. BGD grabs his food and speeds away. AN could very well still be in that parking lot staring at his food.

And the moral of the story is: Move your ass you fuctard.

Belligerent Gay Driver, fact or fiction?

This installment is given as evidence that these things really do happen to me. On his latest adventure our hero had a passenger, Blanche. Yes she was a witness to the shenanigans this time around.

driver who decided to pull into the intersection and stop. Why stop you ask? Well she must have seen oncoming traffic and knew she wouldn't make the turn or the drive straight across. Either way kudos for not As BGD picked up trusted friend he found himself almost immediately faced with and ignorant causing an accident, by pulling into traffic. Kudos retracted and a one finger salute given to the cunticle who just sat there half in my lane and just looked at me as if no biggie. Dumb bitch.

While on our way to friend Romeos for a Mojito party given by his roommate and roommates bf. We discovered someone who was either missing a chromosome, a handful of brain cells, or was attempting to commit suicide by just standing in the middle of the street. Standing there as if it were the sidewalk and she was waiting for the bus. Who knows maybe all three of those things are true. At this point Blanche looks at me and says "Wow you really don't make this shit up do you?" At that point I demoed how one can flip off a driver, turn the wheel and honk the horn all at once. I said I could probably even get a text sent as well.

You would think this would be enough Jackassery for one 15 minute drive but oh no we also have some Jackhole pull out in front of me and proceed to slow down at very close range.

Yea this stuff is real and this is why I am an angry driver. Just remember everyone I am a pretty decent shot when the target is moving so just pray I don't ever get a hand gun. I may for go the single finger salute.

Further Tales of Belligerent Gay Driver

When we last saw our hero he was probably flipping someone off. Today we find him being much calmer. When the jackhole on Binford turned right in front of him and made him slam on his breaks and hoping the line of SUV's behind him wouldn't slam into the trunk. He simply swore to himself. I honestly think he was in too much shock that the dickwad would pull that kind of move on that road during rush hour to give the one finger salute and lay on the horn, which is what would normally happen. Later in his drive home idiot number two was taking up two lanes of traffic now normally Belligerent Gay Driver wouldn't care as long as they were going faster, behind him or in another state but this jerk off was in fact in front and moving at a snails pace. But today BGD just gunned it around as soon as the opportunity presented itself and then slowed down in front of the jerk. Satisfied he moves on, this time to gentleman who pulled out of a parking structure at lightening speed about hitting our hero and then gunning past him only to slow down and then turn without a signal. This is where our hero springs to action with a finger out the window a hand on the horn and the battle cry of "Look jackass it's called a turn signal, to signal other drivers you are turning you fuctard." Yes all of this in a 15 minute commute. Who says adventures have to be epic.

Tales of the Belligerent Gay Driver.

Last Time we left our hero (BGD) he was busy screaming at a stupid Carmel housewife who blithely cut across 3 lanes of traffic to turn left against the light.

We now join him as he drives home.

So I went to my mothers tonight to 1. finally get my hair cut and 2. take my mom out for dinner. For those who don't know I have only had three people in my life cut my hair. Once in Florida because the drive home to have my mother do it would have been like 20 hours, one way. The second time was I needed to get it cut for a wedding and I didn't have time to go home. Before you go thinking that is weird my mother is a beautician so it isn't really that weird. I keep my hair short and about every 3 weeks I get it cut but it has been like 3 months since my last cut, so I was very shaggy.

The hair was cut the dinner had and so I start on my drive home. Most of the way was fine, until I was merging onto 69, the interstate not the position. When the guy in front of me starts to break and slow down to 42 miles an hour. Ok, the speed limit is still 55 but I think he will speed up when we it the interstate, no in fact he slows down because a whole line of semi's are coming up on the left so of course I try to be patient and gently move up closer so he gets the hint that the speed limit is now 65. Nope no hint taken and now I have all the cars behind me zooming around to form a parade on my left. At this point I am irritated to say the least. So fly around him when I get the chance honk and put a finger out the window. I am pretty sure he missed it because it was dark and well he's a fuctard. (No spellcheck word for that either)

So now I am at a comfortable cruising speed and now off the interstate and on Binford and some bitch flies up my ass, and sits there. doesn't get around just sitting with her high beams up my trunk like she paid for the lobster herself. So of course I do the only thing I can do. Slowly pass cars and then speed up till the next car and slow back down. When she finally maneuvers around I tailgate her. Yes I am aware this is how I am going to die.

This has been another installment of Belligerent Gay Driver.


I need like a theme song or a montage of me wide mouthed and giving the one finger salute.

Not my hand but you get the idea.