Family

I roll my eyes and sigh heavily every time I think of my brother closest in age to me. We will just call him idiot. We just got all of my fathers farm equipment appraised to sell at an auction. Idiot comes over to my mothers and starts talking about getting all this equipment to use so he can play farmer. 1. He doesn't need to be doing any of this now he has like 1/2 an acre so it's not like he is in a time crunch. 2. As my mother so aptly pointed out I don't want you using this and potentially breaking it before we can sell it. He has his own stuff why he doesn't want to use it I don't know. No I do know why because he is a selfish little twit who probably thinks,"Why should I put wear and tear on my stuff when we are just going to sell the other anyway." There are days that I just don't claim to have 3 brothers.
The upshot is I am nothing like my brothers. I am far more liberal minded then all of them and I seem to be a lot more sensitive and self aware. I think my favorite moment was when my nephew said "Uncle Maestro you are the smart brother aren't you." How does one respond to that? Knee jerk reaction is a simple "Yes." But I refrained and said that we were all smart in our own ways. I think they think that because I understand what it is like to be younger and left out of adult conversations and doings. So I try harder then anyone else to include them and to not talk down to them but treat them like humans, understandably younger less developed humans but humans none the less. They understand more that people give them credit for. They know more and see more than sometimes we think. Not all of them are but there are some you have to watch out for, They perceive the world better than we would like to admit.

Everyone loves a Parade

So the Band just got back from doing a St. Patrick's Day Parade. I really loathe parades. I don't know why exactly I just do. Of all the things we come together for as a community it is one of my least favorites. Watching them is boring enough and participating isn't really that much better. Ah well I guess I am a parade scrooge I can live with that.

On another note I heard back from a college professor about an idea I had to start a new music ensemble here at the school. He thinks it's a great idea and is willing to help me as much as I would need. I am just excited to expose these kids to a more dynamic way of thinking. Avaunt Guarde is so out there and sometimes it's just smoke and mirrors and sometimes it can really speak to you on a deeper level. I mean really I can point out crap when I hear/see it, but I will give just about any art form a chance. I would like to see more people do that. It also means that you as a person are more willing to go out on a limb for just about anything. And I think the world could do with more people like that. If I can do that then maybe that is what I am meant to do. I could think of far worse things to do.

Sigh

Wow it's been awile.

It's been awhile since I have had either the time or the thought to actually do this. Since this is mostly for me and no one else really reads this I guess it doesn't matter. Though I am sure it would make "talking" to oneself a little less crazy if I knew there were people I was talking to. I could gone on and on about things I have been doing or news in my life but I must say I have been nothing but consumed lately. Consumed with this lingering loneliness. This gnawing feeling that my pool of people to really open up with is small if existent at all. I know there are people I could call anytime and vent to but I feel so guilty doing so. They have lives, they have problems too and who am I to dump on them. I know they are my friends and I know they love me but it is sometimes too much for me so why add to their grief.
Yes I guess my life is fine but I really would like someone to have intament times with to share my life and everything in with them. I haven't had a real date in over a year. I try and I go through these spurts of really trying to get out there and date but then the rejection kicks in and the depression and I think why am I bothering. I have to say this last one really put me over. Not even a decent blow off just silence. I am proud of myself for calling one last time then deleting him out of my phone before I did something stupid. I only called the 3 times and I actually talked to him once and then nothing. Well fuck him he's and idiot. I hope he never is happy in a relationship. I really don't mean that but then again maybe I do.
So yea that's where I am in a real crappy place these days. I really don't see that changing. I have and continue to have the worst luck with dating. Even when I had a relationship it was a chore to get it going. I have to say it really does a number on you when you spend a year with a guy that is your boyfriend and he rejects you physically constantly it really fucks you up.
So I will bitch here and probably never speak of this again.

Until next time gentle reader.

Ok some people are just crazy.

So I have been hearing about this law that the Florida Legislator passed allowing people with a licensed concealed weapon the same rights in public for self defense as a one does in their home. Now I am ok with the thought that if someone breaks into my home lets say at 2 am and threatens me I am fine with firing off a few rounds. Well except the fact I don't own a gun and am against violent confrontations, that is mostly from my allergy to pain. Anyway but now in Florida if I get into a fight with someone and they feel threatened they could just start shooting at me. We could be fighting over the last jar of olives, but if that other person felt threatened they would be within their rights in Florida to kill me at the Winn-Dixie.

Maybe I am just too liberal but I find this law to be completely insane.

God bless America and the makers of Kevlar.

America the Beautiful

While driving down the highway today I saw the bold statement of American pride and what that pride represents. A middle aged white male probably 55-60 riding a motorcycle, with a helmet plastered with American flags designed to look like flames licking the side of this mans head. Also flying proudly off the back is a small American flag flapping in the breeze. To top it all off a jesus fish just above the Honda logo. I think that not so much all the decals and whatnot on this mans vehicle it was more his behavior on the road. Yes he was safety conscience by wearing a helmet but really that concern for safety didn't go past him. He was swerving in and out of traffic cutting people off without a care in the world. Much like America we can say we are concerned for safety and protection but that really doesn't extend beyond our own borders. And the profession of faith on the back so everyone in our wake can see we love jesus and follow his teachings. Well as long as we can still get rich and I can still get my Grande Caramel Machiato every morning. Moral issues that the American public voted on this most recent election did nothing to make peoples lives better only to make some feel less uncomfortable. Where are the moral activist that say no more sick uninsured children, no more starving families that have to live in shelters. Where are the moral activists that cry out for equal opportunities for ALL children to get the best education in the world. Why not educate our children about about the dangers in the world and about respecting and protecting themselves so we don't have to have the conversation about abortions. Instead of saying just don't do it because condoms don't work so these children say well if they are not going to work why use them at all.

But instead we are a rude driver just waiting to cause an accident, but at least our head would be protected.

What to Look for?

I had a conversation with my friend Xena the other evening and she has just finished getting divorced. In the conversation I confided in her that my friends have made it their mission when we are in Florida to get me laid. Now I appreciate that my friends care so much for my sexual well being but I said to Xena, who ps and btw loved that idea, "I really don't need people to get me laid and I most certainly don't need sex from a random stranger" I continued without really thinking. "Look as long as I have a good date at least every six months I'll be good and I had one January 1st so I am good till June." Of course it hit me we will be going to Florida on June 2nd. This concerned me because I just made a statement that I can't even follow through on. I mean really honestly am I going to find someone to have a date with in the next month??? Probably not.

The sad truth of it all I have found that my love life has become stagnate, more over my whole social life has gone the way of the Dodo. I always hated those people who read self help books and always have hated the phrase "So I read in this book about meeting/making/doing insert problem in life that needs to be fixed...." I have never wanted to be that person but I have actually been reading a book about dating and finding what you want. The sad thing is the book doesn't address the main issue that I think faces all single people, first you must be happy with yourself and then find someone not to complete your life but to share your life with and them with you. So often I hear "I am looking for the one to complete me." I hate that, it implies that you as yourself is not good enough. I really dislike that thinking and it is so overplayed in our society. I mean look at any show most of the men and women on there are looking for the right fit and it's just not there. If you try to find that piece to complete you and you find it in someone and they leave does that mean you change when they come and go.

Say you are missing 25% of you and the other person only fills in 20% of you. Do you just have a hole or do they fill it with extra them? And no one thinks "How can I complete someone?" So most people are coming to the dating table needy and who needs that.

I think we should all focus on what we can bring to the table, good and bad. Because when we date it's not ala carte. You can't just date the guy who can be charming to you but leave the bitchy to the wait staff at home. So I think it is up to all of us singletons out there it to find what is good about us as well as the bad about us. I think we hate our flaws to be brought out in the light of day is because it is only when others do it we finally see them. At that point we don't want to deal and work on them we just want to be hurt and resentful that someone else pointed them out. I think the more you are aware of flaws the more apt you are to correct them. And therefore better able to cope with dating.

Now the question becomes I know why I am a great catch I just don't understand why others don't see it.:o) I understand that what I want in a relationship and a man are not easily found in the gay world especially the limited gay world of Indiana. I mean really how many intelligent, witty, honest, nonsmokers that want to have kids, men are there in the world?

I know some people that think I shouldn't ask more of a potential date then I myself am capable of but fuck that I want to be challenged by the guy I date. I would also like to challenge someone, in a good way:o), it's nice to think that you can help someone be a better person.

Frustrations

I am having a dilemma at work. Not that this is life altering stuff I am dealing with here it is just frustrating. There are a few things I am let in on the loop about and a lot I am left out of. The real problem is that Special K, the woman I work with, has a husband that is a college band director and arranges music, very well I might add, but in the past few years he has been reusing old material and giving us stock charts. Which is fine to a point. He seems to have complete control over the show for which we will be spending 3 and a half months with almost exclusively which is another issue in and of itself. The music he has picked doesn't flow well together and quite frankly is boring. I would be feeling different if my input was more than Special K asking "What do you think of these three songs" Me replying "I don't think they fit well together let me think of a few things and we can talk." The next thing I know without ever talking to me again we are doing the three she/He chose and really no regard to me. I just find this very frustrating. I don't know how to approach this without sounding like I am attacking or saying that her husband runs the decisions. Which he does. Grrrrr. They get so one track minded at times and that really bothers me. Let me in on a few things or don't even pretend to want my opinion. It's not like I am completely inept at doing these things. I have designed several shows and have done a good job. It's not like I don't know what I am talking about. Yes I have a lot to learn but I would like my thoughts and opinions at least considered.
But what do I know.