Question of the day?

How long do you have to go before considered revirginized?

And two if you have to ask that question as a gay man, can you even consider yourself gay?

Wow

What an incredible past few days. I went to the north side with some friends to see the Butler/MSU game. After we won it was suggested going downtown and see if we could score some tickets from MSU fans. Well we did and I made it to the game tonight.

What a game! I love college basketball and especially the tournament. What made it better that my Bulldogs just kept winning. Always picked to lose each round they kept pulling it out. I went to the game tonight more for the experience than for the win. Yes a win would have been great but when there were 71,000 people in the stadium and the majority were rooting for Butler you have no idea what it was like. It was so cool to here there roar of "B U!" at the end of the "War Song". The whole night was just a high. The team made it such a great game and made Duke earn every point and the win. Butler played a full slate of great teams to get to the end of that long road. UTEP, Murray State, Syracuse, Kansas State, Michigan State and the one that stopped the win streak Duke.

All my love to my Alma Mater and to the best Team Butler has seen.

What an experience. I need sleep now.

Question of the day

So I have to ask is there just a lack of people my age single in this town or is it just me? In my attempts to find someone to spend a little time with I have come to hate the search. It just isn't fun. I know some people do and good for them. I don't like it because it really does just open up new worlds of stupidity to me. Like who really refers to themselves as "an old soul"? Who even talks like that. I have already mentioned my disdain for egocentric, name droppers. But it's so much more. We are all insecure, the more you proclaim you security in who you are the more it indicates your own unhappiness in yourself. It's all about lowered expectation. Life sucks, life is crap let's all just realize that and move on. Once you accept that life can actually be a lot more fun. Trust me I know the story of those in glass houses. It would be difficult for me to throw a stone over the 40 ft walls I have built around my own. I just ... well that is just it I don't know. It would be easier if there were a manual. And people say that would not make life as interesting as it is. Well I am here to dispute that. I think a little help here or there would be nice. Just like on some video game you can choose "Easy, normal, difficult". I would like that option for real life.

Ah well I can ask and plead for such a thing but it will never happen. Such is life.


Really an old soul?????

Spring has sprung

and my spirits a bit too. So since leaving the temp job I have traveled to Iowa to see friends and that was much needed. It was just nice to get away from my life for awhile. But I have to say my life could be much worse. I have been writing again and actually very productive writing. I finished off a trio I had been working on and started and completed a second one. I got a great start on a choral piece and finished the second song to a song cycle I have been wanting to do for 5 years now. Started on the third of the cycle as well. Also finished a string quartet and made tremendous head way on a large orchestral piece. That is the one I have been most excited about. It is also the one that caused me the most panic. I got through most of the material I had sketched out and had on my computer but I didn't have the rest of the sketches on there and couldn't find them in my bedroom. So I went to the storage unit and looked around and couldn't find them. I found a stack of papers I thought might have them so I grabbed them and went home hoping. To my dismay they were nowhere to be found. This is where I worried that I had become so frustrated that I threw it all out or even worse lost it in a move. So today I gave it one last trip to the storage unit and opened every box until (cue angel chorus) I found it. Granted I probably won't use half of it. It still make me happy to have that option again.

So now I am sitting in the central library writing away. Taking a break to do this and then back to being productive with something, if not finding a job.

Star F*%#ers and why I dislike them.

Have you ever known a name dropper? Someone who goes out of their way to know all the "right" people, not because they are the right people to know but because they have name recognition? They will ditch whomever they are with when someone more important walks into a room?

Yea I hate those people. Especially when those people are fine when no one else is around. I have had too many experiences with people like that. Are they so unsure of themselves that they need that kind of validation? The answer is probably yes. I have never done anything that I thought would make me popular or in the right crowd. I was in Band for god sakes. I was on Academic Decathlon in High School. In college I belonged to a band fraternity. There has never been a single thing I have done to warrant being part of the "in" crowd. I have never wanted to be in the "in" crowd. I have always had groups of friends and that has always been good for me.

But these social climbers leave me baffled. There always seems to be an air of insincerity about the way they act and the way they act.

I do feel my distaste for such behavior and attitude that I have become a social hermit. I have absolutely know idea what people think of me. I am pretty sure if they don't know me they think nothing of me. Which is quite alright with me. It is better to be thought a fool then to speak and remove all doubt.

Such an odd place.

This job is so weird. I really can't put into words how weird it is. You just have to experience it yourself. Like I said to D last night I feel like people are being passive aggressive toward me but I really haven't been there long enough for them to get to that point and I am not going to be there much longer for them to even care. It's so strange and now today they are just fine with me. So strange. There are some people who have stay consistent with me throughout the process. They were dicks all the time or really nice.

Just such a weird vibe around here. It might also be that the people here like to complain and bad mouth just about everyone else and will to anyone who will listen. Which is also odd because with the way they talk everyone knows they are being talked about so it just makes everyone paranoid and sketchy.

I love these group dynamics.

My Saturday was so f'ed up I can't even describe.

But I am going to anyway.

So here is a little back story fun. My mother cuts my hair she always has only 2 other people in this world have, well three if you count the time I was 4 and wanted to see if I could just do it myself. I got lots of complements I remember everyone looking at me and smiling and saying "I love your hair cut." And I would respond in the only way a 4 year old could. "Thanks I did it myself". I know they wanted to respond with "I can tell" but they were polite and just told I did a good job. And that is when I learned how to be polite and sarcastic at the same time.

Anyway

So my mother is currently the only person allowed to cut my hair. I like to keep it short and neat nothing fancy. The problem is when it is to be short and neat it needs to be cut about every two weeks. Which is usually fine and sometimes I can stretch it to 3 without anyone noticing. However this year I went 3 months without getting it cut. I was totally rocking a great 80's wave with my bangs. It was hot, I was channeling my inner Zach Morris.

So this meant I had to drive up to my moms at some point and get this done. Because I priced men's hair cuts around town and I am not going back to Great Clips, do I even need to explain that. And Damn, it's pricing to get my hair cut. Having only paid twice and being dissatisfied both times I am sticking with my mother.

So on Saturday I wake up wishing I didn't have to drive an hour just to get my hair cut but I am also going to continue decluttering the house. It has been a chore to say the least. When I arrived I found that my brothers are just not helping the situation. I have 2 brother who live close by, they also have children of their own. They also drop their children off quite a lot. My mother is 65 and has a managers schedule for a retail store. Which means she on average works 50+ hours a week and on top of that takes their children to school every morning and many times picks them up as well or babysits because my brother and his wife are just too tired to deal. What do I say to that, "too fucking bad". Thus my mother house is in a constant state of upheaval. It wouldn't be so bad if they were helping out but the thing is I know they aren't. When I who lives an hour away has to come up and clean it gets old. I would really rather work on getting the upstairs cleared out so that it is functional again. If you have seen the show hoarders you then know what my mothers upstairs looks like. Many times I don't even get to that because I am too busy picking up toys, paper, juice cups and cheerio that have been thrown on the floor.

I want my mother to be happy and healthy but having these jackasses take advantage of her is not going to make her happy or healthy. Just continuing up the ladder of favored son.

As I was finishing up at my mother I get a text from Blanche and he asked about going to the Casino. I was for it. Unfortunately I would be in the clothes I wore to clean and my hair freshly cut which meant I would have loose hair on my shirt but we were going to a whitetrash redneck casino so I didn't care. My casino philosophy is that I only spend $20 and when it's gone it's gone. Which usually works for me. So with my twenty in hand I go to the $.01 slots and spin once, twice and hit 20 free spins. From that I win like $82. I immediately cash out. I had $100 why keep going. I pocket $80 and debate what to do next.

I know I will taunt Blanche and FN, which is what I do. Well that only last 5 minutes and so I take my original $20 and sit down again at the penny slots and expect to squander that away in no time. 10 spins in I hit the free spins again rack up another $60. I again immediately cash out. I am now up $140 and this is where it pretty much stops I played the original $20 away and left with far more money then I walked in with. Sadly the same can not be said for FN and Blanche.

After that FN and I went to Gregs where the Big Gay Band was having a fundraiser. I thought I was saving FN from a guy but I wasn't. The guy was pretty trashed and it was like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of him so that is pretty much how I spent my evening. The drunk guy started flirting pretty heavily with me which was fine because a person I know, we will call him Toby took a shine to the drunk mess. Let's see Toby could aggravate the balls off a pool table and quite frankly if he never spoke to me again I would be ecstatic. Anyway drunk mess drags me to the dance floor and tries to make out with me. I feel this would have been better if we were both in the same state of intoxication. He was drunk I was not. It was clear he was drunk and was way flirty. I did drive him back to his hotel and before you get too excited nothing much happened. I got him up to his hotel room and we pretty much just passed out. The next morning we made out but he wasn't very good when sober. So I just excused myself and went home.

And that was my Saturday.

The End