At least something is progressing.

Eight weeks ago I was 228lbs. I weighed in yesterday at 208lbs. woo hoo. My secret goal is to be under 200 by my birthday. I may or may not make that but that is my goal. I have 4 weeks to drop another 8-9lbs. Here we go.

WTF man

First off, yes I have been drinking, But I feel what I have to say is equally valid whether or not I was drunk.

It is sad to me that in the last year I have had 10 dates planned and that only 3 of those actually showed and that of those 3, two ended early because it was clear I wasn't putting out. The other 70% never happened because I was stood up or canceled due to some lame reason and never heard from them again.

Last week I was to have a date with a guy and he "hurt" his back at work during the day and had to cancel. However he never told me this until I was waiting for him and texted. He said he sent me an email on facebook, but I never received it. Tonight we were to meet again but he sent a text an hour before meeting and says he has to work late. I find this a little convenient. He actually said that we would need to push back our meeting time. And then I didn't hear from him again. SERIOUSLY??????

What the fuck!!!??!?!?!?!?!

A few things

I love biking. What I don't love are stupid people and those same stupid people on segways and those people on the 4 wheeled bike carriages I don't know what they are call but I hate them. I am a courteous biker, I tell them when I am coming up on the left to pass people. It's when they don't take heed and I come to a complete stop just to get around them. And then they give me dirty looks for not running them down. I say just run em down it's easier on me.

On to some good news as of weigh in today I am at 214lbs. The lowest I have been in... in... I am not really sure maybe 7-8 years.

Next Tuesday at 10 am Central time I will be interviewing for a job in Chicago. This thrills me to know end. Just to have an honest to god sit down interview and not just a phone interview makes me happy. So I may be a member of the Chicago populous very soon.

Just saying no.

So in doing this weight watchers thing really became difficult last night. The budgeting for drinks was not an issue, however budgeting for drinks and popcorn at the movies was a bit of an issue especially since I had Quiznos for lunch. Not my choice by the way, I met with a friend of mine who I am helping with a camp and she picked Quiznos for lunch so I went with it. Not the worst place but not the best. After the movie we went off to Greg's for a couple of drinks and then as I left to go home there it was, a craving. I was so hungry, I would normally stop at the White Casket and get an order of cheese sticks. I had 4 points left on the day. I looked up what a fried stick of cheesey goodness would cost me. 10, 10 points for 2. I normally have an order of 10, holey crap people. Are you telling me that in my sack of 10 is 50 points and I only get 36 daily points. That almost made me throw up right there. With that knowledge I had to just drive straight home and say no to fried goodness. I came home and fixed a much lighter snack and went to bed only being 2 points over for the day instead of 44. I don't have enough will power for this.

Gaga... no no

So Lady Gaga is in Indy tonight and I have to say I do not get it. I don't care for her music. I have seen her videos she isn't that good of a dancer. Her voice is over producer and it's all just a little too freak show for my taste. I feel like I am the only homo on earth not tripping over myself for this concert.

So, why should I pay for that again?

I was watching TV and saw an ad for Weight Watchers. I have known several people who have been on it and it has worked really well. Actually I have never known anyone who went on it who didn't have success. Well in this ad they were touting an app for your phone to track points. I thought "hmmm, I wonder if my phone has this?" So I did a quick search and there it was. Actually three handy apps. One has a list of foods and what they are worth. Another is a calculator to figure out the points of a food and the last one is a tracker. I just plug in some info and it tells me how many points I get. I can also figure how many activity points I get from working out. I have to say for just using it a couple of days, it pretty helpful. I get 36 points for the day without exercising. Which is good for when I am eating at home and making my own food. I actually find it difficult to reach 36 points. But then for fun yesterday I was looking up some foods and found that one trip to Burger King would cost me 32 points....

Yea just let that sink in for a minute. I about died. Now I have to say over the last three weeks for some reason I haven't had fast food but like twice. Not because I was trying mind you it just happened. and I have lost like 7 lbs. Granted I have also been on my bike a lot but still I can see how my avoiding the drive thru has effected my waist line.

Knowing that fast food has that much of my daily pointage makes me reconsider all my eating choices. I have always justified it away as saying "Oh every so often won't kill me." But every so often meant like 3-4 times a week. Which really adds up. So yea wow. No wonder Americans are such fatasses. I mean I knew this but it's like I really know this, enough so to make me want to stop eating in those places.

Back to my point. If all of this information which is the basis of the weight watchers schtick is readily available, then why should I have to pay for it. Why should anyone. I was chatting with my roommate David about it and he said it's so the people can get together once a week and yell at you for being a fattie. I said awesome yet another reason not to pay for it.

So I will keep using it. It may work it may not but I will know in a few weeks if I have dropped more weight of course it could also be the biking too.

In the spirit of staying positive.

My biking adventures have been paying off in the fact that for the first time in 2 years I am under 220. Or at least I think it has been two years I could be wrong on that. I just know the last time I seriously tried to maintain a healthy active regiment was two years ago when I went to Vegas. Who knows I may actually hit my drivers license weight.

I still don't know.

I have never really had a good grip on what is happening in my life and the more I try to understand it the less I do. So, I think I am just going to let the currents take me where they may. I could quite literally end up in the gutter. Or not who really knows. The past month I have been applying for jobs in another city. I have completely given up on this one. Not that I dislike Indianapolis, just the opposite. I have just come to an understanding with the city that we are both just looking for too different things. So I am breaking up with it.

That really is the best way of putting it. We have laughed and cried together, grown together (especially around the middle) and I think it's best if we just stay friends. No I don't think a change of scenery is going to change anything really but staying in the same isn't changing anything either. It's more than just still looking for a job, it's about how I am here. I don't like who I am here. I am a different person when I am around different people. I was lamenting to a friend and asking if it was bad that I saw moving as a chance to purge friends? Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends here, however I am ready for something else.

I will soon be 35 and will have had one boyfriend for less than one year of my life and nothing else. I will have had 2 jobs I sorta liked and nothing else. Yes yes I know all of that is on me and not my friends or where I lay my head every night. However something needs to change and I am starting with the easiest, location. I have always found it easier to change my habits when I am in a new physical location so this is an experiment. If it works great if not maybe I will head somewhere else. But unlike last time I will have a job before I go. about 9 years ago I moved to Florida without a job and 3 months later I was back. But the flip side Chicago is much closer. And so far job opportunities are greater. As a friend pointed out that there is a larger populous vying for those jobs as well. I say yes however I have found 10 times the number of jobs there and Chicago's population is not 10 times that of Indy. And it's Chicago, what's not to love. Yes winters suck up there but winters suck here and up there I won't have to scrape my car. Yes I will have to walk in it more and that will be a point of contention but so what.

Goddamn it I want to be positive again. I liked myself better when I was and I haven't been for a long time so here we go.

Just tired

Tired of being a complete failure in everything. I have found a shovel and have dug new lows for myself on a daily basis.

Question of the day?

How long do you have to go before considered revirginized?

And two if you have to ask that question as a gay man, can you even consider yourself gay?

Wow

What an incredible past few days. I went to the north side with some friends to see the Butler/MSU game. After we won it was suggested going downtown and see if we could score some tickets from MSU fans. Well we did and I made it to the game tonight.

What a game! I love college basketball and especially the tournament. What made it better that my Bulldogs just kept winning. Always picked to lose each round they kept pulling it out. I went to the game tonight more for the experience than for the win. Yes a win would have been great but when there were 71,000 people in the stadium and the majority were rooting for Butler you have no idea what it was like. It was so cool to here there roar of "B U!" at the end of the "War Song". The whole night was just a high. The team made it such a great game and made Duke earn every point and the win. Butler played a full slate of great teams to get to the end of that long road. UTEP, Murray State, Syracuse, Kansas State, Michigan State and the one that stopped the win streak Duke.

All my love to my Alma Mater and to the best Team Butler has seen.

What an experience. I need sleep now.

Question of the day

So I have to ask is there just a lack of people my age single in this town or is it just me? In my attempts to find someone to spend a little time with I have come to hate the search. It just isn't fun. I know some people do and good for them. I don't like it because it really does just open up new worlds of stupidity to me. Like who really refers to themselves as "an old soul"? Who even talks like that. I have already mentioned my disdain for egocentric, name droppers. But it's so much more. We are all insecure, the more you proclaim you security in who you are the more it indicates your own unhappiness in yourself. It's all about lowered expectation. Life sucks, life is crap let's all just realize that and move on. Once you accept that life can actually be a lot more fun. Trust me I know the story of those in glass houses. It would be difficult for me to throw a stone over the 40 ft walls I have built around my own. I just ... well that is just it I don't know. It would be easier if there were a manual. And people say that would not make life as interesting as it is. Well I am here to dispute that. I think a little help here or there would be nice. Just like on some video game you can choose "Easy, normal, difficult". I would like that option for real life.

Ah well I can ask and plead for such a thing but it will never happen. Such is life.


Really an old soul?????

Spring has sprung

and my spirits a bit too. So since leaving the temp job I have traveled to Iowa to see friends and that was much needed. It was just nice to get away from my life for awhile. But I have to say my life could be much worse. I have been writing again and actually very productive writing. I finished off a trio I had been working on and started and completed a second one. I got a great start on a choral piece and finished the second song to a song cycle I have been wanting to do for 5 years now. Started on the third of the cycle as well. Also finished a string quartet and made tremendous head way on a large orchestral piece. That is the one I have been most excited about. It is also the one that caused me the most panic. I got through most of the material I had sketched out and had on my computer but I didn't have the rest of the sketches on there and couldn't find them in my bedroom. So I went to the storage unit and looked around and couldn't find them. I found a stack of papers I thought might have them so I grabbed them and went home hoping. To my dismay they were nowhere to be found. This is where I worried that I had become so frustrated that I threw it all out or even worse lost it in a move. So today I gave it one last trip to the storage unit and opened every box until (cue angel chorus) I found it. Granted I probably won't use half of it. It still make me happy to have that option again.

So now I am sitting in the central library writing away. Taking a break to do this and then back to being productive with something, if not finding a job.

Star F*%#ers and why I dislike them.

Have you ever known a name dropper? Someone who goes out of their way to know all the "right" people, not because they are the right people to know but because they have name recognition? They will ditch whomever they are with when someone more important walks into a room?

Yea I hate those people. Especially when those people are fine when no one else is around. I have had too many experiences with people like that. Are they so unsure of themselves that they need that kind of validation? The answer is probably yes. I have never done anything that I thought would make me popular or in the right crowd. I was in Band for god sakes. I was on Academic Decathlon in High School. In college I belonged to a band fraternity. There has never been a single thing I have done to warrant being part of the "in" crowd. I have never wanted to be in the "in" crowd. I have always had groups of friends and that has always been good for me.

But these social climbers leave me baffled. There always seems to be an air of insincerity about the way they act and the way they act.

I do feel my distaste for such behavior and attitude that I have become a social hermit. I have absolutely know idea what people think of me. I am pretty sure if they don't know me they think nothing of me. Which is quite alright with me. It is better to be thought a fool then to speak and remove all doubt.

Such an odd place.

This job is so weird. I really can't put into words how weird it is. You just have to experience it yourself. Like I said to D last night I feel like people are being passive aggressive toward me but I really haven't been there long enough for them to get to that point and I am not going to be there much longer for them to even care. It's so strange and now today they are just fine with me. So strange. There are some people who have stay consistent with me throughout the process. They were dicks all the time or really nice.

Just such a weird vibe around here. It might also be that the people here like to complain and bad mouth just about everyone else and will to anyone who will listen. Which is also odd because with the way they talk everyone knows they are being talked about so it just makes everyone paranoid and sketchy.

I love these group dynamics.

My Saturday was so f'ed up I can't even describe.

But I am going to anyway.

So here is a little back story fun. My mother cuts my hair she always has only 2 other people in this world have, well three if you count the time I was 4 and wanted to see if I could just do it myself. I got lots of complements I remember everyone looking at me and smiling and saying "I love your hair cut." And I would respond in the only way a 4 year old could. "Thanks I did it myself". I know they wanted to respond with "I can tell" but they were polite and just told I did a good job. And that is when I learned how to be polite and sarcastic at the same time.

Anyway

So my mother is currently the only person allowed to cut my hair. I like to keep it short and neat nothing fancy. The problem is when it is to be short and neat it needs to be cut about every two weeks. Which is usually fine and sometimes I can stretch it to 3 without anyone noticing. However this year I went 3 months without getting it cut. I was totally rocking a great 80's wave with my bangs. It was hot, I was channeling my inner Zach Morris.

So this meant I had to drive up to my moms at some point and get this done. Because I priced men's hair cuts around town and I am not going back to Great Clips, do I even need to explain that. And Damn, it's pricing to get my hair cut. Having only paid twice and being dissatisfied both times I am sticking with my mother.

So on Saturday I wake up wishing I didn't have to drive an hour just to get my hair cut but I am also going to continue decluttering the house. It has been a chore to say the least. When I arrived I found that my brothers are just not helping the situation. I have 2 brother who live close by, they also have children of their own. They also drop their children off quite a lot. My mother is 65 and has a managers schedule for a retail store. Which means she on average works 50+ hours a week and on top of that takes their children to school every morning and many times picks them up as well or babysits because my brother and his wife are just too tired to deal. What do I say to that, "too fucking bad". Thus my mother house is in a constant state of upheaval. It wouldn't be so bad if they were helping out but the thing is I know they aren't. When I who lives an hour away has to come up and clean it gets old. I would really rather work on getting the upstairs cleared out so that it is functional again. If you have seen the show hoarders you then know what my mothers upstairs looks like. Many times I don't even get to that because I am too busy picking up toys, paper, juice cups and cheerio that have been thrown on the floor.

I want my mother to be happy and healthy but having these jackasses take advantage of her is not going to make her happy or healthy. Just continuing up the ladder of favored son.

As I was finishing up at my mother I get a text from Blanche and he asked about going to the Casino. I was for it. Unfortunately I would be in the clothes I wore to clean and my hair freshly cut which meant I would have loose hair on my shirt but we were going to a whitetrash redneck casino so I didn't care. My casino philosophy is that I only spend $20 and when it's gone it's gone. Which usually works for me. So with my twenty in hand I go to the $.01 slots and spin once, twice and hit 20 free spins. From that I win like $82. I immediately cash out. I had $100 why keep going. I pocket $80 and debate what to do next.

I know I will taunt Blanche and FN, which is what I do. Well that only last 5 minutes and so I take my original $20 and sit down again at the penny slots and expect to squander that away in no time. 10 spins in I hit the free spins again rack up another $60. I again immediately cash out. I am now up $140 and this is where it pretty much stops I played the original $20 away and left with far more money then I walked in with. Sadly the same can not be said for FN and Blanche.

After that FN and I went to Gregs where the Big Gay Band was having a fundraiser. I thought I was saving FN from a guy but I wasn't. The guy was pretty trashed and it was like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of him so that is pretty much how I spent my evening. The drunk guy started flirting pretty heavily with me which was fine because a person I know, we will call him Toby took a shine to the drunk mess. Let's see Toby could aggravate the balls off a pool table and quite frankly if he never spoke to me again I would be ecstatic. Anyway drunk mess drags me to the dance floor and tries to make out with me. I feel this would have been better if we were both in the same state of intoxication. He was drunk I was not. It was clear he was drunk and was way flirty. I did drive him back to his hotel and before you get too excited nothing much happened. I got him up to his hotel room and we pretty much just passed out. The next morning we made out but he wasn't very good when sober. So I just excused myself and went home.

And that was my Saturday.

The End

What is that giant ball of burning gas in the sky?

Glorious, the sun is out, the snow has stopped, the wind is not gusting. I am happy. er. A few weeks back I was talking with my friend about smokers freely get up and walk out of work a few times a day and no one really thinks twice about it. But I feel self conscious if I got up and went outside for a few minutes. But not today. The sun was shining and I really needed that. It just made me feel better like the world and my world were not over. That yes there will be bright sunny days again and I would be able to get out and bike and wear shorts and do all the things I love doing.

Of course we still have to get through the week of snow that is predicted but at least for today, it was nice.

In need of bread crumbs.

So here is my first real, straight up, not just an observation but a complaint about this temp job. The network drive at this place is a complete mess. Nothing is where it logically should be. To find the answers I need I have to go digging through folder after folder trying to determine what they meant by titling things the way they do. That is all well and good, fine have your fucked up system that makes you fall behind and miss every deadline you set for yourself. But here is my complaint. Why, when I email you with a very specific question that you apparently know the answer to you don't answer the question you tell me to look in this one document. I have been here 6 weeks. You would need 4 Sherpas, 3 advanced degrees and a map to find anything in this network drive. I love it when they tell you it's in one folder, you go there and it's not there. You tell them and they look at you with a quizzical look and say "huh". When they know the answer they just don't give it to you, which would expedite the process and get me to doing something else. They seem to think that instead of just telling me they send me on a wild goose chase and then become irritated when I can't find it. I enjoy hazing just like the next guy but really. I understand that your job is hard and you probably don't have time to answer my question but come on.

2 more weeks.

Reinvent myself? Don't mind if I do.

Like it was so easy to invent myself in the first place.

I find it interesting that we throw around this notion of reinventing really anything and anyone. Do we ever? If TV has taught me anything, and it hasn't, it's that we fail when we try to be someone we are not. Any good 80's movie will show that the nerds can be popular for a time but in the end they are right back where they started and they have learned a valuable lesson in those last 90 minutes. *The more you know (cue shooting star)*

If I hear one more person say reinventing themselves I will die. It implies they are shucking everything that was them and donning a new persona. Now we can improve ourselves by going back to school but you never fundamentally change who you are. The old adage 'a tiger never changes its stripes' is very true. Just like in the episode where Homer, Apu and Moe have a bowling team and Mr. Burns joins the team and it looks like he just wants to be part of something more than just himself. He in the end he reverted to his old self and stole the trophy for himself.

In all those John Hughes films they may get the girl or boy in the end but really they go back to being the same geeky/nerdy self in the end.

And why would you want to "reinvent" anything. How often do we hear the saying "Let's not reinvent the wheel shall we." I think that is a good way of looking at it, as potentially counter productive. Add, detract or modify behaviors or your physical self but never try to become something you are not. You are who you are. Any real significant change is going to take years of work and can not be done with a new wardrobe.

Just thoughts to ponder.

Observations on my way into work.

The commute to work is a relatively short one, unless of course I get stuck behind a school bus. Which actually happens more often than not. The other thing that can slow me up is when a cop car is driving in one of the lanes and goes under the speed limit. I want to shake people and let them know that it is indeed ok and legal to pass a cop when they are going under the speed limit and when we have a whole other lane to choose from. I drive a small car so many times I can't see around the minivan, SUV or whatever urban assault vehicle is on the market this year, so I don't know when there is a real reason or the lame one I am usually presented. To these people I say, just go home you don't know how to drive and chip in for better public transportation.

As I said normally this isn't a real problem it's just on those rare mornings it makes me shake my head and a little later to work.

This next one isn't a complaint more of just an observation. The Conseco parking garage may be one of the worst designed parking structures I have ever been in. The fact that for games they have to hire people to direct traffic in and out is not a good sign. I am not talking one or two people like four for every turn in the building. I shake my head because really I am only parking there for another 3 weeks and then I don't have to deal with it. Also I am not paying for it, so I find it more amusing than annoying. If I were paying for it and it was a long term thing then yea I would probably go all belligerent gay driver on it.

The other thing about Conseco is that once you get into the field house itself to get to the lower level there is one escalator and a standard width set of stairs. I didn't mean a set of escalators I mean an escalator that only travels in one direction. That direction changes depending on the time of day. The stairs next to it are not that wide either so I can only imagine what it would be like during a game or other large event. Normally in the morning when I need to go down the escalator is moving in that direction. However this is not always true when I need to go back up the escalator. All of that really doesn't matter because I will always walk the stairs. I don't have a gym pass any more and it's too cold and snowing to go biking so this is really the only exercises I get these days. The funny thing is I never really think about how ridiculous it is for me to forgo the escalator for the stairs. That is until today as I was coming down some people were coming up. I say some and I mean 4. They gave me the dirtiest look because they had to move over because stupid me didn't take the lazy mans way out. I know that is what they meant because when they saw me they looked at the escalator beside them and then back to me with the sourest look they could muster. To that I say, whatever. I need this little bit of work, I am not getting it anywhere else.

Now on this next point I am going to complain because, really. In Conseco is a Starbucks and many people will part on the street outside of it in the morning, run in and get their over priced cup of joe. That isn't my problem, I don't begrudge anyone their morning pick me up. What does bother me is when those people park in clearly illegal parking spots. Example this morning I saw a car parked in an intersection. Imagine a T intersection and the car was parked under the traffic light. Granted the car was probably in no danger of being hit, but come on. Really? There were no other spots available? And just because you put your flashers on doesn't make it any less stupid, rude or illegal.

And finally on the lighter side of things I noticed as I trekked into work today was the pair of sun tanning goggles in the middle of a snow covered sidewalk.

I am going to leave that as my moment of zen this morning.