I don't know.

In this time of flux I have been asked several times, "What do you think you want to do?", "What kind of job are you looking for?" The quick and most honest answer is "I do not know." But the most honest answer is met with some odd looks. After your first semester in college it is often looked down upon to have that kind of answer when it comes to career choices or goals. You are an adult you really should know what you want to do. Yes, ideally I should know what I want in life. But what if what I want isn't a possibility anymore? What then? Is it ok then to have no clue? I don't know if it is ok but it is the truth. Anyway isn't honesty the best policy? There are lots of things I can and will do, but are they what I want? I have had more than one person tell me that they started at a temp job and they are on their 8th year with that company. I don't want to say that isn't a possibility but really I am tired of things just happening to me. My job at the theatre just happened and my job with Special K just happened. And look how well that turned out.

I would say yes I will make something happen but what. Yes, I do have ideas of what I would like to do. Are they practical, I am not sure. I don't think I could honestly make a living doing them. There is a difference between not caring about making a lot of money and choosing to be poor. I do know I do not want a job that is going to eat up all my time. Doing my job and a bulk of Special K's job was way too much. There has to be a happy medium.

So where does all this leave me? Hell if I know.

Are there things I enjoy doing? Yes. Here is the problem what I want to do or better yet like to do, society doesn't place a high priority on it therefore it doesn't get much financial support and so there are not that many opportunities for it. The other thing is that some of these things are already saturated in the community and do not need one more person trying to make their mark. Maybe I have too much humility in this area that I don't believe I could do these things better and make those doing it badly or sub par obsolete. But I know what I say about those people with that mindset I don't want to be another casualty of other peoples judgement. I don't actually know I am smarter or better than anyone else. When it comes to this I find myself in a catch 22 situation. I see nonprofit musical groups that are poorly run and many times that can be circumstance but many times it's the people running them are just not very good at what they are doing. But here is the catch, I know they are doing poorly, others know they are doing poorly but they think they are rockin' it hard. I just don't want to be one of those people who think they are doing a great job and in reality are sucking the big one.

I understand having confidence in yourself and everyone else be damned I know what I am doing. That attitude can make you very successful or just look like a complete fool. I feel like a dog that circles before finally laying down. Except I just keep circling.