It's dating... it's job hunting... stop you're both right.

Job hunting and dating can be considered one in the same. Not only are the both gerunds, (my favorite grammatical term) but they are both time consuming and soul sucking. The rejection level is high, people don't call you back much for the same reasons, people are cowards and don't like potentially sticky situations. Nobody likes to tell someone they don't want them for either dating or a job. People like even less being told those things. But myself personally I would like to know. I am a big boy I can handle these things. I am not saying that I wouldn't be upset at a rejection, but at least that melancholy would only last so long. The outright ignoring and avoidance brings on a certain type of bitterness that can last for years. Two examples this week actually both kicked me in the balls right in a row Friday night. A guy I had been talking to and had made plans for Friday night just started ignoring me, fine whatever. Then I go out with friends and the job I was really hoping to get the people I would interview with, two of which are really good friends, were out. Not thinking much about it until I over heard them talking about having interviewed 14 people already. I not being one of them... Super. Here comes that bitterness. I mean I understand not interviewing me fine but not even a letter of rejection just hoping I wouldn't ask. That's good times had by all.

When one has to advertise themselves to get anywhere in this world it is hard being an introvert and honest with ones self about faults and short comings. Mostly because we see ourselves in less than favorable light. Also I don't ever want to come off as a bragger, I hate those types of people and I hate more that we have to be like that just to get anywhere in this world. I know I am a bright, intelligent, hard working person that would add great things to any company. or relationship.

Being single is a hell of a lot easier than being unemployed. Though the sad thing is some days it's not.

Game Night

So my friends and I have decided that we would take the month of January off from going to the bars. *Sidebar* Ok so I thought the Match.com ads were creepy, and they still are, but the one I am looking at now at the top of the page takes the cake. you know those little game ads that if you win you get a "free cell phone". Normally they are cute like two sumo wrestlers but this one is so disturbing I have to share. There is some poor boy trying to swim away from Piranhas and as you might have guessed if you don't play you just get to see this boy be chased down and eaten over and over again. *sidebar over*. Anyway so we are taking a month off, which I am all for. I have never really been a fan of the bars anyway but it does break up just sitting at home waiting for a man to fall through the ceiling. Anyway so to stave off insanity we have decided to have a game night. or movie night whatever occurs. The question that pops into my head is, does this make us old or just beyond nerdy and pathetic? Or maybe a little of all of that. Look I am fine with being nerdy I have been all of my life I know this and embrace it. I also accept that we all get older including myself, but I just really don't want to be pathetic. Of course that boat might have already sailed if I am really waiting for a man to fall through the ceiling. Alas alak I may never know. For pathetic behavior is all in the eye of the beholder.

Mornings

Over break I slipped back into old habits of staying up late and sleeping in. Three years teaching and my body still refuses to get into a different sleeping pattern. I had to take Tylenol pm Sunday and Monday night. I was so groggy the last few mornings. My friend Charles had it right when he got into a job that had him working from 2-10pm and slept till noon. I should really find a job that allows me to do the same.:)

Mostly I think it's all in my head. I don't want to go to sleep because before I know it I am back at my job. Since I have come back I have dreaded every morning. I just need it to be over I need to be done with this. I need to get the hell out of there to save my sanity. Right now it is less about the money and more about the situation. I would almost ask my mother for a loan and quit while I look for a job. I won't, but it's very tempting. God I need to leave so bad. We will see.

Christmas Traditions

It has been interesting over the past few days to talk about Christmas traditions in different families. The only ones I can remember where waking up early and claiming our booty and spending the rest of our day becoming quickly bored with all we had gained. Then as I grew older just a lot of uncomfortable family time. As we grew up we developed opinions and judgements of one another. I personally enjoyed throwing my brothers curve balls in how they thought of me. Now I find we don't do much as a family anymore. My brothers will spend time with their wives families and will be in and out sporadically through out the day. So I have found myself developing holiday traditions outside of my family. Christmas night I usually find myself at my friend Maya's parents. We will play Trivial Pursuit. And many of my other friends will be there. It is one of my favorite things. I look forward to it every year. I guess I do have one family tradition that I do look forward to and have been doing for as long as I can remember. I help my parents decorate for Christmas every year. Growing up we never decorated outside because we lived in the middle of nowhere and no one would see it. So my father double the normal indoor lighting. We would light up anything and everything. I still enjoy doing that. I don't think we have put up enough until we can turn off normal lights and still read, then we have enough lights. :)

I would love to come up with some other traditions. So any suggestions I am open to them.

And so it will go part two

So I really have to ask myself why there hell am I even there for other than to do anything

Special K doesn't want to. Number of concert pieces I am doing on this concert 0 Yes boys and girls I am once again getting the shaft without lube or a reacharound. The only thing I am doing is a "pre-concert" that is just suggested to attend for the 2 Jazz Bands and the string ensemble. I have been relegated to the bastard stepchild position. Number of students STUDENTS!!!!!!! that get to be in front of the concert band. 1 that is yes one more than I get. This has more to do with her laziness than her malicious nature. She waited 4 weeks to start concert band the only reason we started that late because she didn't do the folders. Thus we had to delay playing tests which apparently only I can do and thus I got almost no podium time. Because I had to spend all my time doing playing tests. But whatever. I am done with her and as soon as I can speak to my department chair and the Principle I will not be back next fall.

I have to say this really upsets me a lot because I really liked these kids and this job and I have to say I am pretty damned good at it. Such as how my life has been going lately so I am not terribly surprised.

Tagalong

I have decided that I am content in just being a homebody. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy going out and being with friends. This time of year I realize more and more that I have friends who like to go to parties and good for them, however I only like to go when I know the host. By knowing the host I mean I can do more than pick them out of a line up. I feel like such an interloper when I am at these functions when I am a "tagalong" with my friends. I am not very good at making friends out of strangers. I am very shy I know that may be hard to believe but I am. I assume that if they don't talk to me they don't want me to approach them. So you see why I wouldn't like being someplace where I know no one. I figure I have friends that I neglect now why make more to neglect later. I am kidding of course. I am not opposed to meeting people I am just bad at it. Probably yet another reason I don't date, well that and my incredibly bad luck when it comes to men. I find it fun when I find out people who stop returning phone calls to me are now dating others. I always assume they are incapable of dating. But this must not be true. What must be true is that they are incapable of dating me.

Grrr

I am so hating everything right now. I am completely depressed. I am incredibly lonely. I hate my job. And I feel like in the last 6 months I have been forced out of everything I have enjoyed. I fuckin hate that people who don't know me talk about me. I honestly don't care what they think but it effects my relationships with other people. I feel like I should be the way they say I am. Just so they can see what an asshole I can be.