Friday, with a short review.

In the news today... I swear I should just stop trying to be informed because I find the more I read the less informed I become. Really my problem is that I always look at the headlines Yahoo provides and that should be my first clue to move to another site. But you know how it is, you have a routine in the mornings and mine involves checking my mail and since mine is a yahoo account I get the yahoo news on my opening page. And sometimes it's the titles alone that make me roll my eyes and want to go back to bed. I probably shouldn't say this next thing because really it will just feed into the problem as is but here I go. The top news story on my list was not anything about the State of the Union, nothing about Howard Zinn dieing or J.D. Salinger or even Zelda Rubenstein going toward the light. But it was "John Voight weighs in on the Brangelina break up 'nonsense'".

Really!?

That is all I am going to say about that.

I do want to say so sad about J.D. Salinger. Of course I really thought he was dead already. But you know still sad. One of my favorite books is "The Catcher in the Rye". I never had to read it in high school it was never on any of our required reading lists but I got a copy in college and loved it. Talk about angsty teenager, Holden Caulfield was it. It's funny to think it has become cliche, with how much J.D. Salinger himself shunned the spotlight and popularity and his most famous character seemed to scoff at such "success" as well. I think all males should go through that kind of brooding stage in their lives, I think most of us did. Some were better at hiding it but I really think deep down we all were a little bit like Holden, wanting to be done with adolescence and the hoops we were made to jump through. At the same time not wanting to be thought of as adult or even worse being an adult. Caulfield embodies so well that one point in our lives that for a brief moment we escape the bonds of childhood but before we are put into the confines of adulthood. It's like when a prisoner is taken from one cell before being put into another. For a moment you get to stand up, stretch, see the sky and take a full breathe of fresh air before being shoved back into a box. "The Catcher in the Rye" is one of the only books where I am pleased and happy to not know what happens next. I feel I would be just like Holden disappointed with the future of this character. I don't remember exactly but he ends the book by saying he was asked what he plans to do next year at school and he says how does anyone know what they are going to do til they do it, that is a stupid question. And man is it ever.

It's only 9:30am

So I come into work (temp job) and find I have no emails and no phone calls to return. The crazy woman that works in the office across from my cube keeps walking back and forth for no apparent reason. I really have nothing to do the scanner and the copiers aren't working or at least what I need them to do they are not working. So here I sit collecting a paycheck and counting how many times this woman power walks passed my cubicle. I open my yahoo account and find not much there and nothing to really respond to. So I check (there she goes again) the news feeds to see if anything interesting has happened. First article is about the state of the union. I click on it and yahoo news tells me that the story has expired. I click on a few more articles all of them give me the same excuse. I check the time stamp on these stories and they are only like an hour old. I think this is odd and now I am just clicking on random articles to see which if any actually work. The only one I got to open to a "story" is about brangelina breaking up...??? (I had to go back and get the spelling correct)

Really. Now I am convinced we are in the end times. The second coming of Jebus. And thank god I don't know if I could take any more of brangelina stories or anything like that. (She just made another pass by the cubicle) I did just realize that you may have thought I was referring to the world coming to an end because of the break up. Let me be clear that is not it. I actually am begging for the world to end if the most pressing news event is a break up of celebrities. Though any more that is all we get most of the time. Which brings me to a suedo news story. This actually is sorta. I hate when I flip through the channels and "news" people are yell at me. Example Nancy Grace, my god that woman could make paint peel with her voice. And don't get me started on the hair. I thought only drag queens needed that much help with a wig. Anyway, apparently she had a guest on her show whose child had been missing. Nancy badgered her and basically accused her of doing something to her kid and that is why the child was missing. I don't know all the facts of the case. Maybe the woman did off her kid but what I do know is I am not shocked that hairzilla could have yelled and belittled her guest enough to have the woman in questions off herself, I mean pass herself away. So now NG is being sued for wrongful death and her deposition is being videotaped. Ms. Grace does not want her testimony taped. I love the irony of it all. (seriously stop doing that woman sit down in your office and stay there for more than 10 minutes) So yes I love when loud mouth people get their cumuppins (is that a real word?).

So yes sad news that I can't get any real news and even sadder that this post only took up 20 minutes of my day. But the up shot is I just got paid to do this post. Woo Hoo!!

How to ruin a happy moment.

So the question is, what is considered a good sales pitch? I walked through the mall yesterday because it was cold outside and I needed to get lunch because I walked out the door yesterday morning without my lunch. I should have just gone with out. I had thought of doing that except I really hadn't eaten anything that day and really needed to. I was excited because years ago when I worked downtown I would always say we needed a Panera in the downtown area. And what did they just open? Yes, a Panera I was so excited. Of course one meal or more accurately one sandwich from them is more calories then I need in a day but it is so good. Anyway I knew that I could stay indoors most of the way there and back which always makes me happy. I get down there and get my food and start heading back. So far so good.

Alas I was stopped.

Now I never buy anything from those kiosks in the middle of the mall. I always think of it like buying something at a county fair. At 8 years old you totally think you need it until the next day when you find that it broke a little to easily. Now I know the products from the mall kiosks are probably better quality then the wares of a carny but really these businesses last about as long as a street fair and they pack up just as quickly at the end of the night. With that said I doubt I would be swayed to buy something from one even if their approach was better. I was walking along with my bag of bready goodness when one of the mall carnies stops me. Actually he saw me coming and stepped into my path and spoke. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I am in a hurry sorry don't have time."

"Can I ask what you use to shave, cause I have something that can help you with that." This was said with a scowl that suggested that I, the elephant man, had done terrible things to my face. It was the "with that" part of it that was said with the most disdain.

At this point I decide to make eye contact. "I really don't have time, and I have a mother to make me feel bad." And then bolted. I mean really even if it where true and it probably was that is no way to make a sale. What did he think I would do? Stop and say "God yes I am hideous, please please please make me look better with your $40 miracle cream." I can't imagine that would make anyone want to buy whatever he was selling. And here is the funny part of the story, he really needed a shave.

I don't know.

In this time of flux I have been asked several times, "What do you think you want to do?", "What kind of job are you looking for?" The quick and most honest answer is "I do not know." But the most honest answer is met with some odd looks. After your first semester in college it is often looked down upon to have that kind of answer when it comes to career choices or goals. You are an adult you really should know what you want to do. Yes, ideally I should know what I want in life. But what if what I want isn't a possibility anymore? What then? Is it ok then to have no clue? I don't know if it is ok but it is the truth. Anyway isn't honesty the best policy? There are lots of things I can and will do, but are they what I want? I have had more than one person tell me that they started at a temp job and they are on their 8th year with that company. I don't want to say that isn't a possibility but really I am tired of things just happening to me. My job at the theatre just happened and my job with Special K just happened. And look how well that turned out.

I would say yes I will make something happen but what. Yes, I do have ideas of what I would like to do. Are they practical, I am not sure. I don't think I could honestly make a living doing them. There is a difference between not caring about making a lot of money and choosing to be poor. I do know I do not want a job that is going to eat up all my time. Doing my job and a bulk of Special K's job was way too much. There has to be a happy medium.

So where does all this leave me? Hell if I know.

Are there things I enjoy doing? Yes. Here is the problem what I want to do or better yet like to do, society doesn't place a high priority on it therefore it doesn't get much financial support and so there are not that many opportunities for it. The other thing is that some of these things are already saturated in the community and do not need one more person trying to make their mark. Maybe I have too much humility in this area that I don't believe I could do these things better and make those doing it badly or sub par obsolete. But I know what I say about those people with that mindset I don't want to be another casualty of other peoples judgement. I don't actually know I am smarter or better than anyone else. When it comes to this I find myself in a catch 22 situation. I see nonprofit musical groups that are poorly run and many times that can be circumstance but many times it's the people running them are just not very good at what they are doing. But here is the catch, I know they are doing poorly, others know they are doing poorly but they think they are rockin' it hard. I just don't want to be one of those people who think they are doing a great job and in reality are sucking the big one.

I understand having confidence in yourself and everyone else be damned I know what I am doing. That attitude can make you very successful or just look like a complete fool. I feel like a dog that circles before finally laying down. Except I just keep circling.

So you have written a novel.

I was bored the other day and I figured up that with this blog I have written enough for a short novel. That is kind of sad that if my energies were placed somewhere else look at the amount of work I could have accomplished. Not that I feel I have the talent or creativity to actually write a novel, but still that is a little crazy when you think about it. On the other hand this has probably kept me out of trouble. Which is probably a good thing.

So the weekend was what it was. I saw Avatar again, the nerds hadn't seen it so I went with them. After that I went to Zonies to meet up with friends who had gone to a Bingo fundraiser that was put on by K.I.S.S.. Not the band but the group called (I think I have this right) the Kinky Indiana Submissive's and Slaves. I feel I need to place a pause in here somewhere. I am not sure what this group is about but I am pretty sure I could figure it out. It is probably what I think it is. To that I say, to each their own. That saying has never been truer to me then now. I myself would never what someone to Dominate me nor would I ever want to be with someone who is completely submissive to me. Because as I understand it this behavior sometimes is carried beyond the bedroom and into everyday life. I just can't see it. I don't like being bossed around and as much as I like bossing people around myself I would have no respect for a partner that would a. want that and b. put up with it. Call me old fashioned but I want my spouse to be an equal partner. I guess that wouldn't be old fashioned at all. Old fashioned would have me married to a wife that has given herself over to me completely. And well, I don't want a wife. So yea I don't know what that is all about but I am kind of sad I missed that. but not really.

On Sunday I forewent the watching of the Colts game and went to my friends the lesbians. Now that isn't their name it is just what they are. I hadn't seen them in a long time and they have a little girl and when you don't seen your friends for 5 months not a big deal but when you haven't seen an 18 month old for that amount of time that is a significant part of their life. She is running around talking and playing. It was cool to see her even though I make her cry and not want to sleep. Ok that sounded bad for me. Let me clarify, I didn't make her cry. She just knew that there was another person talking to her moms and she wasn't in the spotlight anymore and therefore cried. She smiled and even laughed when I was there. She just didn't want to sleep. :)

So that was the weekend I am not back at the temp job and still kind of bored. It's a lot of hurry up and wait.

Good times.

Am I really that great???

I know competency is a rarity, but seriously if one more person fawns all over me at work I am going to punch someone. I have never been good with a compliment so that is part of the challenge. At this temp gig it has been a daily occurrence. I swear these people have never seen someone who just does their job. I know a lot of it is after teaching, a lot of things are cake. I say that and what I mean is I am not used to this much down time. When I was teaching I may have 30 minutes at a time to catch up on paper work or communication during the day. So much of it was pushed to after school and at that point I just wanted to be done with it, so some of it would back up. When I am here I am easily bored. I watched "Office Space" the other night and when Peter meets the Bobs for the first time and he says he spends the first hour of the day just starting at his desk I know what he means. I am not belittling this job I am just saying it is just a different pace. I am used to being "On" for 6-7 hours a day. That left very little down time. I loved days where I did tests. Oh how I loved those days. I would usually do them on a Friday and have every class do one. Those were such slacker day. I could just sit in the quiet room and shush people and collect tests. Loved it!!!

I am sure with this job I will come to slow down and settle in and not be so bored but right now I am.

New Year?

So with this new year I hesitate to say anything is really new. I mean I still write 09 as the year and the scribble it out and put 10. That's not really new I always need about 2 months to get on board with that. I don't need the year to be new to look at myself and say "I wish I could drop a few pounds." Because really I do it most everyday. It's not like we get a new year smell like we do with cars.

But wouldn't it be weird if we did?

So I am focusing on something old, we call her Blanche.
Just kidding.

Really I just need to keep record of were I am, yes weight has been an issue for me. Not that I ever want to be as thin as I once was because really that was just unhealthy. At the same time I am not happy with my size now. 140 at my lowest and thinnest and 240ish at my heaviest. I am a stress eater. It's a vicious cycle one I just need to break. I stopped weighing myself around May and I know I went way up probably more than I thought. The upside to being homeless and staying with friends I don't have the money to eat out and that is going to change your eating habit. Also J & D eat a lot better than I do. Well D does, J just has to hide the snack foods. So with that I know my caloric intake has been much lower since October. It's one thing to eat a large pizza when you are the only one watching but when there are spectators you feel the shame more.

So back to time line at Christmas I started weighing myself again and I was at 238lbs. At the start of January I was at 235. I am today at 229. I am not even going to set a goal. I am just going to ride this and see where it takes me. I do miss biking and that will help when I can get back to that. But in the mean time I am just going to continue the habit and see what happens. I do miss feeling better in my own skin. I have always felt I was over weight even when I was super skinny but it wasn't a constant like it has been for the last 8 years.

So who wants qdoba?

Things I have learned

Having been unemployed, I have decided a few things. I don't like being unemployed. I also do not care for a desk job. I am currently temping and am working basically a desk job. Granted I probably would enjoy it more if it were actually my job and there would be some ownership to it. However I really don't like it. Also I know at this point beggars can't be choosers. This whole process has been a study in humility (or maybe it is just humiliation). I say this because really it's a downer all the way around. I really didn't think it would be this difficult to find a full time job. My biggest complaint is that businesses are just not as professional as one would hope. Yes, yes, yes I know, having worked I should know that people are in general spineless wonders who couldn't find their ass with both hands. It is just a huge disappointment in humanity all the way around.

The other thing is one would think being unemployed, essentially homeless and constantly running out of money with no hope for more on the horizon I would be more stressed. I am, don't get me wrong all those things above is enough to call an assisted suicide hot line. However I find that my stress levels are really much lower then they were when I was working against Special K. I saw her in Target this weekend. I just put the stuff I was carrying on the nearest shelf and walked out. I went to another Target and purchased what I had before. I know that may have sounded a bit much for me to have done. But really I just didn't want to deal with her. The last time I saw her was at the end of May and the last thing I said to her was "I have nothing I want to say to you." So even a chance encounter is one I would like to avoid at all cost. Not that I really thought she would engage me, it was just that slim chance she would that initiated the flight response. I haven't spoken to her, seen her or heard from her in almost 8 months. And what a glorious 8 months that has been. I have found that I have more free time in conversations since I don't have her to complain about. So again a bonus. I know I am a notorious complainer, and I must say I have done a relatively good job not bitching about leaving the school. Mostly I just try not to talk about it. Which is actually very easy to do. I just say I was downsized and leave it at that.

So that has been my life in a nut shell... avoidance. :)

Something depressing to ponder.

Are you familiar with the Drake Equation it is a mathematical formula used to determine the number of worlds in the universe that may have intelligent life. If so imagine if you were use the same principles to calculate the number of people in a given city that you could potentially have as a bf. Well I did. Here is what I came up with.


750,000 people in the city I live in (roughly). Divide that in half since half are female.
375,000 Men in the city. Only 10% are homos.
3,750 Gay men in the city. Now I am looking for a particular age group I figure that it probably covers 20% of the population.
750 it is getting bleak people. And since we live in a red state only about 75% will be out.
563 Ok so I probably also want them to be single. Luckily most gay men are. Probably 60% (I am trying to be optimistic)
338 And I would like them to be college educated one out of four Americans have college degrees.
85 I rounded up. I would like a non smoker. Cut it in half cause the gays like to smoke.
43 again I rounded up. About half would be attracted to me.
22 and I would be attracted to half of those
11 men in this city that could potentially be a boyfriend.

The percentage of men in this city I could have as a Boyfriend is .0016% that is 1 out of 68,181 people, I rounded down.



I only have 374 friends on facebook.