All I have to Say.

Over two weeks I was to have 3 dates with two separate guys and all three were either canceled or I was completely stood up. Made to wait in a restaurant for 30 minutes alone.



To That I say.

But I don't want to date 22 year olds

or 52 year olds.

For as narrow as my age gap is the wider the age gap in people interested in me. I swear I would love to date a man with in 3-5 years of my own age. But the only men that seem interested in me are either in their early 20's or their late 40's early 50's. I think the younger guys are looking for sugar daddies which I am not one. and the older guys are looking for that special someone to take care of.

Look the deal is I am pretty independent. I am not looking for the perfect half to make a whole person. I don't need an older man to financially take care of me, really I would never want that. And I certainly do not want to take care of a twink. I can pay my bills but I am not looking to add onto them. A relationship is a partnership I am not going to be dependent nor a sole supporter. Where are the men of my age bracket. I'll tell you where they are, they are in couples and have been for years. I feel I missed a memo some where around 1998 that said "We are all pairing off, find the man with the corresponding number and set up house." This problem with the age differences is very much like my problem with men in general. The ones I have no interest in are drawn to me like buzzards on a gut wagon and the rest flee at the sight of me. Plus I have now talent for flirting and engaging men of interest. I can be witty and charming with just about anyone but those I fancy. Those men I fall down and drool on myself.

Man I love dating (insert eye roll here).

And no I really don't want to talk about it.

Life is full of disappointments kiddos, get use to it.


I have.

For the record

Really funny I was talking to Mom and she was telling that a friend of ours was saying that he thought I was going on more dates than I was willing to tell. Because I didn't want to be thought of as having too many first dates. To that I say hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I wish I had that kind of rep. In fact I am not dating, have not been dating nor will be in the foreseeable future. Not that I am against it I am just not in a place where I am having them beating down my door. Neither am I really out there trolling if you will. I have never been a very motivated dater. Only once in my life have I ever pursued a reluctant suitor. I usually take people on their word that they are not interested or really on their sideways glances for I never approach. I once did it took like 3 hours and 6 drinks to do so. I do better when I have no expectations and do real desire. I did get hit on up in Chicago during pride but nothing came of it we just danced we didn't even kiss, it was all very Victorian.

I laugh because last night I watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" and my favorite line is at the beginning "Unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was going to be with a bottle of wine. And I would finally die fat and alone and found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction" Being 32 and struggling with weight and probably drinking more than I should I feel very much like that. But worry not gentle readers I am not ready to off myself just yet. But to get back to the point no I am not dating if I were I would guarantee that those dates would be excellent fodder for this blog. I am sure when I run out of things to write about I will start dating again.

Trickie

Dating for me is always a difficult area, what is even more difficult is getting to that dating phase. I spend so much time trying to get to a safe place before even initiating anything. I try not to seem like I like them because what if they don't I don't want to give off that stalker vibe that is oh so sexy. But at the same time I want them to know that I might be interested if they are interested. So in doing this I play this game of dancing to the edge and then coming back and then I just come off schizophrenic. Again oh so sexy. I know I step back from it all and think I am a fucking moron, if I am interested just go for it. This would be the advice I would give any of my friends but yet what is good for them is never good for me. I know that is insane, but alas I am stuck with that. So yea how do you dance delicately across that line of "hey let's be friends" and "hey let's be friends, unless you want more then I am game." Instead I end up with "hey" which really translates to "hey let's be friends unless you want more but if you don't I am cool though I wouldn't mind seeing where it goes unless you don't know big deal just let me know." Really the only response to that should be "WTF? *click*"

Not really looking for advice I know what the advice should be. Just suck it up and do it, get it over with, the worst that could happen is they say no. I know this I am just putting it out there so later I can look at what a dumbass I am being. :)

Should I stay or should I go

So faced with whether I am an idiot on many fronts. Am I just a general idiot and I know the answer to that on many days... yes. But as to specific problems I am unsure. Foolish, probably; unrealistically optimistic, yeah and an idiot, who knows.

So faced with two choices. Work; it has been a thorn in my side for quite some time. I have been planning on leaving for the past 10 months however new developments. I have been asked to build an orchestra program. Which excites me, I would love to stay at this job. So many pros in it's corner, great students, great administration, great faculty, I enjoy teaching, lots of vacation time. The cons early mornings, weekends, and the biggest one of all Special K. The last one sucks my will to live. My soul dies a little each time I think about having to spend another waking moment with her. It's such a problem that it almost negates all the pros. Am I being an idiot for staying. Do I really think building a program separate from her will keep me happy and out of the range of her bullshit. I don't know, I would like to think that it would. We will see I have yet to get my contract for next year and we will see what it has on it. If they fuck me over again, screw them I won't be back anyway. I would rather go work for Starbucks.

As for the other reason I am an idiot. So I like a guy and I thought he liked me, god this is so junior high. I actually broke out of my shell and talked to him in a public setting two nights in a row, which I never do. The few times I have done this in the past it has always blown up in my face. I fear this will be no exception. It's been about 3 weeks since that and I have not seen him out. I emailed him once during this 3 weeks and have yet to hear back. Should I just give up and not worry about it or pursue it. I don't want to be a nuisance. And this brings me to my problem do I let my fear of being a bothersome pest get in my way of talking to people. I just really don't want to be "that guy". You know the one who can't take a hint. I myself have encountered far too many of those. Just recently I have been hit on by a 22 year old, a 46 year old and a 54 year old. Nothing against people of those ages I just really don't want to date any one that far from my demographic. What I hate is when I make that clear and they still are trying to convince me that I should or they are different. I am like dude leave me alone. I just don't want to be that guy. So in being not that guy I become single? There has to be a better way. I am just unsure of it. Alas I ask the question am I just an idiot.

You have got to be kidding...

So I went on my date. You know the guy who broke up with his 7 year relationship because he doesn't want kids. Yes well I went into it knowing that it probably wasn't going anywhere. It's really too bad cause he is a nice guy and kinda cute, but it just isn't going to work. Now for the part that is really fucked up. He went to high school with my brother. I have to say that was a twist I wasn't expecting. Oh well I think he wants to set me up with his ex. I have to say that would be fucked up.

What is up with my life?

superstitions

So I met a guy. A guy completely out of my norm older, financially successful, has a good job, and not a psycho. Well I didn't tell anyone about this and I mean no one. Mostly because every time I have a date lined up lately and I talk about it something always falls through. Well in our conversation tonight he is talking about the reason he and his last relationship ended was because his BF wanted children and he did not. That was really the only reason they broke up. The sad thing is I really want kids and so that made for an awkward conversation from that point on. So really even without setting off one superstition I have triggered an end to yet another potential. Be proud my first thought upon the news of the reason for the break up I wanted to ask for his ex's number. But I didn't I felt that would be tacky.:)
This really isn't new territory for me most every man I have ever dated didn't want kids. That's fine I have no problems with that, but I don't want to give that option up.

Happy F***ing Birthday to me

So I have finally put my finger on why my "relationship" with a certain gentlemen has been weird. It's because he has a boyfriend already who I got to see tonight. That was all sorts of fun. It was confirmed by said gentleman though I should stop referring to him as a gentleman. Cheater or whore will work just as well. I am just saying when I asked him out the first time 4 simple words would have done just fine. "I have a boyfriend" I would have been fine with it but twice spending the night together and me having to ask point blank does not shine favorable light upon him. Seriously what the hell is wrong with me I pick winners I tell you what. I know this is a rant and I may feel differently tomorrow but really. God I hate this crap I am too old for this.