I change my mind

I do want something for Christmas I would love a KitchenAid Stand mixer in Blue

I also want to say I like Pandora.com. It's a site that you type in a name of a song or artist and it creates a radio station that plays music similar to and including said song/artist. It's nice I have yet been disappointed by it's selections and have found a few things I didn't know about before.

So right now I am taking a break from cleaning and baking (hence the need for a stand mixer my arm is tired). Some friends from out of town will be here tonight and I am excited to see them. I don't get to see or really talk to them much during the year.

On the menu for tonight is Molasses Ginger cookies, Lemon Sables,a Caramel Cake, Mulled wine, Artichoke dip, and chips and whatnot. Two things I am excited about are having a somewhat cleaner house and friends.

So I should get back to baking and cleaning. Don't forget the stand mixer.

I know how he feels sometimes.

What have I been doing with my break thus far?

3 words Lost season three. I know it is still a couple of months off and with the writers strike who knows when it actually might make it back on. I need some catch up and something to help me with my Lost withdraw. That and the Jack withdraw He is so hot isn't he mmmm.

About damned time

My brother kicked my sister-in-law out. Bitch was bad news. Firstborn finally got from her that she had been cheating on him. He said get out and don't think you are getting the kid. A month earlier she had wanted him to leave but now he just told her to leave. On one hand it's not good that it came to this but on the other he needs to get out of that marriage. She was not the greatest mother and not the greatest wife and this just makes things worse so really good riddance.

Yes I am a big dork.

So lately I have been wondering about phrases that are in our vernacular but we really don't know where they came from or what the actual meanings are. Example I was leaving a comment on another blog about possible meanings to the phrase "Shake a stick at". As in so many stupid people at the bar last night you could shake a stick at. In this instance one possible explanation comes from when farmers would count animals in a coral they would use a stick to point and count. Hence so many you would shake a stick at to count.

Another usage is when someone is referring to something as being less. Like it was nothing to shake a stick at. In this case they may be referring to when people carried swords. Another old phrase "Sabre rattling" could be connected. When they would want to make a defiant gesture at an enemy one would shake their sword or rattle it. If someone was not worthy or less of threat to them they wouldn't. Therefore you wouldn't shake a stick, or sword at them.

What ultimately got me on doing this was the phrase "Mind your P's and Q's". We actually use this in the wrong context all the time. I always hear it in the since that you must behave. Your mother would always say mind your p's and q's. It got me to thinking what the fuck are my p's and q's? Well I looked it up and actually it comes from when people would have to set type for a printing press and you would put the letters in backwards and if you go to fast you could put a p in where you meant a q because they are mirror images of each other. So it really has nothing to do with politeness or courtesy but more to do with being accurate and thorough.

I think it is important that we all use this little quips and phrases in their proper contextual setting. So I will never use mind your p's and q's again. Unless I am referring to type setting. lol

So much Sugar

Well today has been a fun filled day of not much. Today is technically a review day, but with all but one of my classes being a performance based class I only have the one final. It is on Friday but I will be safely in Chicago by then. The kids have been bringing in candies and an assortment of baked goods. I love the gesture but I end up giving most of it away. I have also counted $50 in panera gift cards, $30 in Starbucks and $50 to the Olive Garden. Granted I do not go to the Olive Garden much but for free food I may make an exception. I still have 3 more classes left so who knows what I may end up with in the end.



My baking has gone over well it always does. I could put a bag of sugar in the middle of the room and they would love it.

<---------Not my students but you get the idea.

The one problem today and there always has to be one. Special K decided to leave at the beginning of her 3rd period. She gave them all passes to the library and then took off with Student Teacher. I have know idea where they went or for what. All I know is that at the end of 3rd they were not back. I needed to run to the bank during 4th, I don't have a class then, and when I came back at the end of 4th neither Special K nor Student Teacher were back. Her 4th period was completely alone for almost the entirety of the class. Unprofessional, Rude, Unacceptable these are all fine words I would use to describe this "teaching" methodology. She finally showed back up with 5 minutes left in class. I grabbed my stuff for resource and left. I was so livid. I ended up going straight to the VP and letting loose. If this were any other teacher I would be obligated to say something so why not in this instance. Well I have to share an office with her, which makes things uncomfortable, but you know what I don't care. It's her bad and I am not taking the burden of it. So there it is, I turned her in, to my VP and my department chair. Right now I am trying to come up with a tactful and professional way to tell her what a fuck up she is.





Anyway Merry Christmas to my students who are not reading this anyway, at least they had better not be. And I will end with, 28 Hours left. I will explain the significances of that later.

Despite what you may think, I do have a heart.

I say this because at this minute I am baking for my classes. I do this every year at the end of each semester. This year I am making peanut butter brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and lemon sables. This have become an increasingly larger endeavor each year. My class sizes have increased and the number of classes I teach have gone up. I have 40 students to bake for, it would be a lot more if I included the bands which are like 150 I would add to that number so I give them the shaft. Sorry kids.

I like doing this, especially for the Christmas break. It really puts me in the holiday mood. I find the radio station that does nothing but Christmas music and I just spend the day baking. In the off times I do a little knitting. Yes, I said knitting. Some of my friends do and they taught me over Thanksgiving and I have been keeping up on it. I am in the midst of a scarf and being the perfectionist I can be over bizarre things I took the whole thing apart last night and started over. It looked like it had a tumor and I wasn't going to give it as a gift like that. It's a really neat pattern for those who know how to knit; Cast on 20 then knit 2, pearl1, and knit 1. Repeat until desired length.

Alrighty back to the baking.

Don't buy me anything.

Just to clarify, Yesterday I wrote about that just because it was on my mind, not because I am actively trying to date or meet people. I am actually very comfortable being with just me. As long as there is porn flowing freely across the Internet then I am golden.

I was told today that I am a hard person to by gifts for, I guess that is true. Not in the sense that people don't know what to get me it's just that I am not big on getting gifts. I remember being little and thinking that Santa could just bring me anything free of charge, so I was all about the gift getting. But when I got old enough to know that the only fat man handing out gifts was my dad then I kind of felt bad about the wanting and the subsequent disappointment of not getting everything I wanted. I knew my parents didn't have money and that it was hard for them to tell us no. If my dad had his way at Christmas we would get whatever we wanted, but the lack of funds really kept it low. In retrospect we did get a lot for how little money we had. After my dad's funeral and having to sort through all the finances with my mom I realized how much in debt he put himself for us.

So with all that I have always discouraged gifts, or I just never bring it up. If I were to ever get married I wouldn't even register for gifts. Why would I? I have what I need and if there is something I do need I would go get it myself. My behavior would infuriate me. Because on the flip side I love getting gifts for people. I have to say I was disappointed when my niece and nephew both told me they wanted iTunes gift cards. I understand the practicality of that thought but I love buying for them. I may end up doing both. I always go overboard with my nieces and nephews. I would do even more if it were not for the blinding poverty I find myself in.
It's probably for the best I don't have kids yet I really need to get a better paying job first.

Oh, I got plenty o' nuthin'

So we have established I am not good at meeting people in person. Let's now move on to why I am terrible at meeting people online. Now there are two completely different reasons as to why I am bad at both. One fills me with the terror akin to being told I was to have open heart surgery without anesthetic. The other fills me with the dread that I may once again be unwrapping a fish plate. I will let you figure out which is which.

I have never put too much stock into online dating or using it as a medium to meet people. I find it to always be disingenuous. No one can accurately describe them self or do justice to who they really are. When people do it is hard to sift through all of it to get to the core of who they are. So I just don't bother. Pictures are misleading, ages can be doctored, skills and other attractive qualities can be made up. I can go online and say I am an 80 year old grandmother. Doesn't mean it's true.

So when given options I would much rather take a face to face, but again it terrifies me I would rather sit safe at home with miles of phone line between me and the other person but I don't trust those people. OK Captain Conundrum what is it? See why I get frustrated with me too.


So when people want to talk with me and immediately want to meet for coffee or dinner or whatever I tend to just brush them off. Two, I find those people to be desperate and will throw themselves at anything with a pulse and a dick. I just don't roll like that. So the question now becomes, How do you solve a problem like Maria? When I am either paralyzed with fear or completely not trusting?

When you figure it out give me a buzz I would like to know.

More parties, and drag queens

Friday and Saturday night were both fine evenings. The Ex-wife's party was fun and hella far south and the other one hella far north was also good. I really don't have much to say about either except I am a schmo.

I will get into that here in a minute but first let's talk about Last night and two of my friends in drag. I am not talk men wearing dresses because that is what I would inevitably look like if I were to ever attempt such a feat. No I am talk full on Makeup, wigs, boobage, and choreographed moves. I have to say I was quite impressed. Normally Blanche looks like a man in a dress but last night he was a vision of gender confused loveliness. Romeo I have seen made up before and he does it well, so no surprise there. I know they were both very nervous about the whole thing and I will have to say I was a bit nervous for them as well. I mentioned to someone that all they need to do is not embarrass themselves and it would be a win. Think Fred Thompson in his first debate, aim low and you can win anyone over. I must say they poll vaulted over expectations and did themselves proud and had nothing to be nervous about. Kudos to all.

And Happy Birthday to Romeo and Brooklyn's new baby. I saw a picture very cute. The baby not Romeo. :)

So on to why I am a schmo. Upon arriving at Jamisons place I discovered I was there well before Alain, Romeo, and Blanche. I hate getting places by myself and not knowing other people there. Yes I knew the host but he had hostly duties to attend to, like getting wasted. I knew a few people but not well enough to cling to like a barnacle to a ships hull like I normally do. I don't know why I do that, of course that is for a whole other entry. So I am there and gravitate to the one person I feel friendly enough to and just stand on the periphery and interject when I can. When a very handsome man puts his hand out and introduces himself. I, can not do that, but I do react well when others approach me in this manner. Over the next 30 minutes we have a very pleasant if not brief conversation, you know one where you speak for 2 minutes and then are silent for 6 and then jump back into the conversation in the same 2 on 6 off format. It's like having a conversation where someone keeps hitting pause in the middle of a thought.

I chalk it up to the fact I am always nervous when talking to attractive men. When my friends arrived it pretty much ended all conversation. We did continue to make eye contact almost all nice. I am so bad at interpreting such signals and almost always do stupid things so I find it best to ignore them. He was so polite every time we spoke or interacted with one another and when he left he walked across the foyer grabbed my hand in both of his and said it was a pleasure to meet me. I really wasn't sure how to respond. Actually I did, my first thought was to druel on myself and to make incoherent sounds while grinning like an idiot. Thankfully I repressed that urge and just smiled and said it was nice meeting him too. At that point in the evening I was ready to go and as I was getting ready to leave it comes back in and now I am really confused. Especially since I really didn't see him again as I him hauled around and didn't leave until it was becoming painfully clear that I wasn't going to work up the nerve to say anything to him, so I just left.

So that is why I am a schmo. So yet another opportunity slipped through my fingers.

Parties,Parties,Parties

Tis the Season and we have hit full swing. Last weekend was one side of the families Christmas and this weekend there are three festivities going on. None of them are close and convienent to me or each other. The first was last night and it's distance wasn't bad. Tonight the first party is way south of the city about 30-40 minutes the second party is north of the city about 20-30 minutes. Good times.

Last night was an annual trek to my friends J&J's, gay couple with a great house. I must say I am completely jealous of their place. They every year have a white elephant party. I have to say my experiences with white elephants are very bad my moms family does one and when I was 19 I said no more because that year I received a fish plate. Not a plate that you serve fish on but a glass plate that looked like a carp. Of course no one would steal that from you. What made it really bad I could have looked passed the fact that it was a hidious piece of serving ware but it was in it's original box and the plate was still dusty. The box had been torn and repaired in several places with masking tape and the box had a thick layer of dust covering it. Are you kidding me?!? Also in that same year I witnessed a cousin unwrap a box of trash, literally a box of someones trash. Merry Christmas, I hope you like crap. In these situations I always bring very nice gifts and I always steal something nice. I never unwrap anything, especially with this group of people. You never know when you will find a dildo or a remote control for the blind with 1 inch squared buttons. I think this years best was a toy polar bear that poops brown jelly beans. I personally walked away with a set of four Vera Wang lead crystal high ball glasses. Never pick an unopened gift.

Well tonight a party with the Ex-wife and then on to a party where last year we left a ham sandwich in the Christmas tree. I have no idea why we ever get invited to these places again.

Booya

2 hour delay!!!!!

Goin' back to bed.

You're a bitch.

And I'll tell you why.

I am referring to an ex who now resides in Chicago who called today. Here is his message.

"Hey I just read your blog and saw that you had strep and it hurts to talk so I just called to chat."

Let us now examine why we may not be together anymore. Hmm? I wonder? Just kidding I really thought that was funny and something I would have done myself.

How about Strep instead of a snow day? - God

OK so that backfired a bit. I woke up around 3am at first hoping to see drifts up to the second floor of the house. Instead I am met with the inability to swallow without pain and a hacking cough. I take the only meds I have in the house and try to go back to sleep. Around 5:45 am when my alarm goes off I say fuck it and call in. I actually hadn't heard my voice yet that morning, but it was akin to Patty and Selma on a bad day.

I went to the Dr. they said it wasn't actually strep. They did say I was on my way to sinus infection. Gave me some drugs and said if I don't feel better in a few days to come back. So here I am on my couch doped up and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In other news last night after Big Gay Band practice I went to dinner with A and S two of my favorite lesbians and was an unwitting attendee of Girls Night Out. Which was fine. But that was a lot of Estrogen to be around. 7 lesbians and me, maybe that is why I felt the need for pepperoni.

So Big Gay Band, yea don't miss the drama. On girls night out there was some talk about the band not a lot but enough for me to be glad not to be involved in the goings on. I just show up and play. I think I hit upon why I am over it, last night I thought about it and all that kept coming to me was that this is so high school. The playing is sub par, a lot of back biting, people thinking they are better than they are, a director that yells, and me not practicing. It's all so juvenile, I miss college band. Yes in college we had drama but at least the music was better and the drama was fun.

Praying

There are very few times in my life I may turn to a higher being, but a snow day tomorrow would be something I would turn to the Lord, Allah, Yahweh, or Buddha, whoever will return my call.

So please send snow, sleet, and high winds tonight or preferably early morning say 4amish.

Spanks you're the Breast.

I am not one to complain...

but I am going to.

OK here is the schedule for the school day.W have 8 periods in the day and one flex period that meets before school. There are two classes that meet before school. Wanna guess who teaches one of them... yep that's right me. Wanna guess who is so not a morning person... again that would be me. Yes this is a schedule I inherited with the job. I have been trying to change this and I will continue to do so.

That is not what I am complaining about, though I could for hours and have. No I am here to complain that at the beginning of the year we get a calendar in this calendar we have when we have altered scheduled days. Let me just jump in and say we have 9, yes count them 9 different class schedules. We have the Regular, Mass, Learning community, Afternoon Assembly, Morning Assembly, Early Dismissal, Two Hour delay, Half day were we have all 8 periods and then the Half day where we do the first 4 then the next half day we do the other 4. Ri-Dic-U-Lous, First I would argue that we can not call it regular since I really feel we spend less than half the time in regular schedule.

Again the number of altered schedules are not what I am complaining about. They give us these calendars but they mean Jack and shit because they change those on us. Just this week they have decided to add a mass and an assembly that was not on the calendar to begin the school year. I am frustrated because now I have less time then I figured at the beginning of the week. I would probably be less irritated if they didn't also screw up those schedules, because for the mass we are on our 4th incarnation of this day in less than 5 hours. I am hoping they get it right before tomorrow cause that is when it is suppose to happen.


On a lighter note enjoy and be disturbed because I was. This is in a Filipino prison.

I couldn't resist

I found this on Youtube it's funnier than Blanche getting spam about over 40 Christian Singles.
I can't tell if it is more like Stephen King's or Tim Burton's take on Mary Poppins either way too damned funny.

$1.50 drinks and Lesbian Aunts

Yes dangerous to drink on an empty stomach and then to compound the problem with Fried food and not very good pizza. I swear this pizza, just the left overs mind you, weighed more than two large pizzas from Papa John's. I say this without hyperbole that it was the heaviest pizza I have ever had. It is also still sitting in my stomach. I had a terrible night sleep because of it. I guess it could also be the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed, but that is not the point.

This has been a very interesting weekend.I had a grand family Christmas weekend. My mothers side of the family was having their annual get together. Friday night some of the family met for dinner. Saturday was for the larger family and we do it now in the boy scout cabin which is just big enough for us. You have to understand that I come from an enormous family. My mother is the 2nd of 8 children. If all of us showed up I think there would be 80-90 people of various ages. I really couldn't tell you all of their names I have really lost track. I know my cousins and a few of their kids names but really after that I haven't a clue. I do have one cousin who herself has 7 children. Her brother who rode to the Saturday shin-dig with me and said that the vagina isn't a clown car. He is so right, I don't understand the need for that many children. Use a condom for the love of god.


My cousin I rode up with is also gay and we have a good time hanging out. I am sure the fact I was going was the only reason he went. I really don't have much in common with that side of the family. I really don't see how any of us have anything other than genetics in common, we are all so very different. Gay cousin and I had an interesting conversation about our lesbian aunt and how no one thinks she is a lesbian but she has never dated a man and always has female roommates that come to family functions. Hmmm denial!! She is by far my favorite aunt and the odd thing is she has a new girlfriend but her girlfriend from like 20 years ago still comes to the christmas parties. I like this woman always have and I still refer to her as an aunt but no one has ever really acknowledge that she was my aunts girlfriend. So very strange. Also very strange that she still comes to family functions.


In two weeks I have the other side of the Family Christmas. It's smaller only 60 people for that one. But I do have another gay cousin, who dated the first guy I ever dated, ewwww, and a lesbian cousin. No wonder I am gay. It's in the water.

Today in Orchestra I asked the students to get out "What Child is This?" and without skipping a beat one of my Bass players says "It's not mine." I just started laughing and replied "Good to know, but I didn't ask whose child is this."

I really enjoy this job with few exceptions. Special K being one of them and all the damned meetings. I was recently chastised by another teacher because I don't make friends with those I work. I just don't see the point. I know others are capable of doing so but I am not. I am friendly with them but I am not calling a single one of them up for a night of drinking. I have my friends and I have people I work with. Mixing the two just seems messy.

I enjoy my anonymity very much. Though now having to do more and being out in the public, so to speak, more has made me known and I am not sure I like that. Example a teacher one day walks up to me and says you remind me of Mr. F. Mr. F is a teacher not much liked by students and even less by many faculty. I thought that was the rudest things someone could say to me at that school.

I have made a decision to bring back the Pagan List. This was a list that a stand partner in Wind Ensemble and I had. It was a record of people that pissed us off and every time they did something particularly heinous we would add a check to their name. There was one professor that had a check and d infinity sign next to his name. I think I will have a weekly update of the Pagan List.


I think we all know who is at the top of that list.
Special K
Mr. M.
Sackohammers

I am sure I can come up with more but that is all I have at this moment I will be adding once a week. Yea this will be fun.

Why no one talks to me at school functions

In my ongoing attempt to be a better person I refrained yesterday from telling a co-worker* to go straight to hell. For no other reason than the fact she can aggravate the balls off a pool table, but I had greater cause to feel this way. Though this is not Special K, she ranks right up there. I will refer to her as Sackohammers as in Dumb As A.

We were meeting in our professional learning groups, which I find an odd name for these things anyway because they are hardly professional and I never learned anything. I already knew I hated these meetings so I am not really learning anything new per say.

Back to Sackohammers, she is one of those people who fancy themselves smart and likes to hear themselves talk. Well she was on a rant, and I always find it funny that she can talk herself out of her original position if let go on too long. Anyway I was trying not to listen because a week earlier I had received an email to me about two students who always come in late to her class from mine. Actually not my class Special K's class, why she emailed me I will never know. I told her that we let the kids go with plenty of time to get to their next class. Done end of story. Oh by the way she cc'ed the Vice Principle on this. Yea I thought it would be over but she emails back and rambles about how it's disruptive to students that they come in late and lose valuable class time by not being there. Earth to short annoying bitch I believe I covered that in the previous email. So I write her back that I already stated that if her students are showing up late it's because they are slow and she needs to discipline them how she sees fit, and that I don't know what I could do to help her out other than taking them by their hands and walking them to class. The VP replied back and said that I had done enough and that Sackohammers needs to deal with the students herself. I win.

I thought it was over but just as we were leaving the meeting she stops me and says "Melissa and Chris are still coming in late." I wanted to kick her in the face but instead I said "There is nothing I can do on my end." I mean really I know she is dumb, hence the name, but come on when did the mentally challenged get teaching certificates?

* I use that term loosely since I really don't think she works that much if at all.


Sidebar I have some annoying guy trying to chat with me while I am typing this up. Conversation went something like this.
hey there
Hello
how r u ?
I am well and you
i am fine. thanks
*Silence*
chilling
Good
*Silence*
and you?
Getting ready for bed
*Silence* This goes on and I have to become the main facilitator of the conversation and I find that so annoying. It's like when someone calls you and then asks what you wanted. Dumbass you called me. I ended it by saying I needed to go to bed and that it was nice chatting. He ended it with Hugs and Kisses. *shudder* Yea I knew right then I had made the right choice in chewing my foot off to escape.

Like I need reasons at this point.

In my continuing Saga with Special K, I was told a story by her of her Black Friday experiences. I wasn't really paying attention I was doing other things and kind of half listening. Until, she started talking about arriving someplace at 5:00am and being one of the first in the store and there was a guy at the front shouting "We have 23 Wii's who wants one?" "Without even thinking I said I did and grabbed one." She says. I look up from my computer with the foulest expression.

*Sidebar* I have been wanting one ever since they came out. When I had money I could never find one and when I could find them I didn't have the funds available. So when she said she got one I wanted to cry.

*Salt in the wound* "I didn't even want one." *Grinding salt deep into the wound, opening new ones and shaking away.* "I guess I'll give it to my son." *Are you kidding me?????? Forget the child crying on Christmas morning without a Wii because someone who didn't want and/or need one snatched one of the precious few up, I will be crying on Christmas Morning, not improving my bowling record or mingling with other Miis nope I will be crying bitter, bitter tears.* "I don't even know if he would want it." *You're killing me here.* "Oh well one less thing to buy." *My sub conscience just fell to the floor convulsing.*

I had to pull it together and I just put my head down and kept typing. My only response was "Well, that's cool." On the inside I said "You heinous bitch I can't bitch I can't believe you did that let alone told me." "Cunt" Thank god I had that prep period to go to my car and cry.

I didn't really do that. I just let the air out of her tires.

I didn't do that either... but now that I think about it more...

Best Thanksgiving ever!!

I was so looking forward to this last week and boy did it pay off. It was so wonderful to see friends again and to be myself and to not have to sit in dread silence as I would have at my family's Thanksgiving. I actually felt very bad not being with my mom on Thursday. I know she is very lonely and it didn't help that brother after brother kept dropping off the screen for her. She says she doesn't care but I really do believe she does. Ah well. Next year I will be at her place.

So back to Iowa. The trip was sedate and pretty easy. I am a get in the car and let's go, kind of guy. I now realize why so often I travel alone. I pick up Xena and we have to wait around because her card had been stolen the night before and the bank called her that day to ask her about some strange charges. So with that she needed to file a police report. So we wait, and we wait and we wait. After an hour and a half she calls back and the police say it will be a while. We say fuck it we will file on Saturday when we get back.

Great! Pack the car let's roll... we need to go back and get my cell phone charger. Damn it! We turn around and head back. We are on our way. First stop is to get super cheap gas. All is well. We stop several more times for, Bathroom and food. When I travel I don't stop for those. Maybe when I stop for gas, but even then I can wait for the destination. And if I do, I don't get out and go sit down to eat I just get it and go. Not complaining just not the way I like to travel. The trip back was much of the same, I hate being in the car I just feel it is a waste of a day. So I do get a bit impatient. But all is well and we are back home nough said.

Oh god I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

3 more class periods

Though I start this with 3 periods in the day left I doubt I will finish it before the next class starts. Yes three to go. A five day weekend on the horizon. I must say I am in desperate need of a break from this place. I love the kids, I love the subjects I am teaching but I must say it is quite exhausting. My co-worker Special-K, is always a boat load of joy but she is just piling on the fun lately. Her general stupidity and lack of motivation to do the simplest parts of her job but the living crap out of me and more so now.

I have to say the last few days before a break are always the hardest. My body knows that I am mere hours from sleeping in and not having to shower and so when that alarm goes off I justify my ass off for staying in bed just a little longer. The bed feels just that much more comfortable and thus just making it a cruel joke when I must eventually vacate to head to the shower and a cold bathroom floor.

Today is not so bad I have been able to tread water in most of my classes as well as the remaining few. I am however looking forward to my Thanksgiving plans. I am traveling with Xena to the quad cities. My friends S & J live out there and I haven't seen them in a while and my friends M & E will also be there which is really exiting to me. I haven't seen M & E since Christmas of last year so this will be a great time.

I am particularly looking forward to just spending time with these people. I love them dearly. Also as added bonus I get to avoid my family. Though this is the worst year I could have picked to miss. Secondborn will be in New York with his family and in laws. Thirdborn is going to Ohio with his family and in laws. Leaving Firstborn and his son at my moms. I feel bad and even asked my mom if she wanted me to stay for Thanksgiving. She of course said no. Of course with my luck all of them will be back next year and there I will be like an animal caught in a trap willing to gnaw his leg off to escape. The other unfortunate part is my family doesn't drink... I know... I even need a moment to let that settle to the bottom of the glass before moving on. For as bitter and sarcastic as we all can be alcohol would be nice, but I know I would be the only one drinking and then I am sure I would prove a lot of points for people that I am just that irresponsible.

In a way I am not sure I would care. Something to take the edge off would be nice. Ah to be a funtional alcoholic... wait where am I? Damn it here come the kids more later.

Family take em or leave em

So I went up to help my mother clean out her basement. First let's say that this is an unfinished basement and it floods on occasion. This basement has not been cleaned for decades. To say it's a gross job is a mild understatement. My brother who lives next door to my mother helped as well. I swear I am the only fully functioning son my mother has. Thirdborn 2 years ago tried to stop a golf cart by Barny Rubbling it. Yea let that soak in for a minute. He totally tore up his leg and now he has problems with stairs and lifting things. So clearing out the basement became me carrying things up the stairs and him just bringing them to the foot of the stairs. I wanted to tell him he really needn't bother. But alas.

I did get to see the job secondborn did on my mothers porch enclosure. He did a nice job I was very impressed. My mother was saying how she wanted to put a motion light at the new entrance. She said it would be nice to have some warning before someone comes through the door. I said "Well won't you lock it?" Without thinking because she really does live out in the middle of nowhere and the only people that ever come there are people she knows. She said only thirdborn comes in without knocking, with that I said "Don't you think you may want to start locking it?" She laughed.

Anyway we got most of the basement done. The reason, other than it needed it, was that my mom is putting in a gas heating system. Before the house had a fuel oil system that was uber expensive to keep up and it is probably 60 years old. So it is good that she is getting this done. Though I must say she and thirdborn are so alike in the fact that they won't throw out anything. There was a filthy and I mean filthy jacket on the floor of the basement that I was going to throw away and thirdborn looks at it and says "What are you throwing that away for? It's still good.""Seriously, are you kidding me this thing is gross." To that I say whatever. It's easy to convince my mother to throw things out except when he is around. They are such pack rats. I also don't really think much of the suggestions of a man who tried to stop a speeding golf cart with his foot.

Born free

I just have to say, I am sad for the kids on the football team for loosing a very close game last night, but I am glad that come next Saturday I can take my time heading home from Iowa and not have to worry about getting back in time for yet another game. I am sure we will have a moment of Silence for their loss tomorrow, but I have to say I am glad not to have to do anymore this year.

So yesterday... yea what can I say??? My friends and I went down for the old oaken bucket game yesterday. We didn't go so much for the game but for the tailgating. It was fun and I had a good time but I really enjoyed the moments when I was having real conversations and not drinking myself into oblivion then when I was drinking myself into oblivion. I really didn't drink that much, I had driven and needed to be sober for the drive home. Because if the drive down was any indicator then I needed my wits about me.

Well the drive down wasn't so bad until we got into the grassy field where we were to park. Oh sweet jesus. I knew it was going to be bad. It was so crowded I am surprised I didn't run anyone over. I had my windows down in hopes that people would hear me say "get the fuck out of my way morons" I really didn't say that exactly but I was trying to get people to move. The first obsticle was a football in the middle of the road. There was no way around only over I kept saying someone needed to move it or I would run it over. So I started to run it over when I heard "Whoa, whoa, whoa there is a football in the way." Well no shit idiot I hadn't noticed.

I am all for frivolity and whatnot but get the fuck out of my way. There was a group of neaderthals playing cornhole and and I yelled "Game off!" You know, the traditional way of indicating that a car is coming through you might want to move the game. They did, sorta but apparently not far enough cause I ran over it. Opps, my bad. I didn't stop my justification was, they should have moved it farther away. We finally found the people we were with and the drinking commenced.

Not a lot of eye candy but when desperate I can always find something to look at in a pinch. I had some really great conversations with people I didn't know that well before. Romeo was floating around handing out jello shots to every Tom with a hairy dick. Which was fine but Alain was getting pissy about it. (Interesting group dynamic we all are.) Romeo ended up picking up this married couple and swapped phone numbers. I am not sure what that was all about but ok. The night was wearing on and I had made the call that if we wanted to avoid the traffic we needed to go now. Since I was the holder of the keys this time I made the rules.

I have never driven this group anywhere before. Because I have never had a car I felt comfortable taking anywhere. I have endured roadtrips with these guys before, their music selections are fine and I have never really complained or asked them to change anything for me, but yesterday I was ready to smack Blanche. Every other song on my Ipod he would yell from the backseat "Shuffle!". I did let slip at one point that had put up with his shitty country he could deal with my music. Whatever.

The really bad moment came on the drive home. Alain was up front sleeping, being pissy, or texting someone he knows he shouldn't be starting something up with, but that is a whole other story. And Blanche and Romeo were in the backseat arguing, are you ready for this, a drag show. Not a competition, but a show they were both doing for charity. It went a little something like this.

Romeo: What two numbers are you doing for the show?
Blanche: Why do you want to know?
R: Because I don't want to duplicate what you are doing.
B: Well it doesn't matter mine will be fabulous.
R: I understand but I would like to make sure I don't do what you do.
B: Well all that matters is that I beat you.
Me thinking *Oh god*
Alain: zzzzzzzz
R: Why you got to be like that?
B: Because I need to be better than you at this.
R: You do know this is not a contest?
B: I still need to be better.
R: It's for charity.
*20 minutes later*
B: I still need to be better.
R: It's for charity.
Me. *Ok, if I crash the car I have to make sure I die, because that is really the only way out of this conversation.*
Alain:*Tex, text, text... send*
B: I still need to be better.
R: It's for charity.

I drop off Romeo, Drop off Blanche and Alain. Go Home rethink going back out to the bars with them. Too tired to deal. Text to say I am in for the night.

That was my day.

Here is what you need to get started.

Me: 32, single, music teacher, lives in Indy, youngest of 4 boys, plays lots of instruments, gay and a skoach of sarcasms.

I have been blogging on Myspace, but my friends have been complaining that they cannot get to myspace at work. Boofrigginwoo. Not my problem. I enjoy the use of myspace because I can limit those who see my page and my blog. I wouldn't care except for the third thing on my list up there. I really don't need my students checking up on what I say and about who. So I blocked it so only my friends could see it.

I also liked the fact I could use real names and not have to use pseudonyms for friends and the like. But I guess that is the way of the world. I enjoy the blogging because with friends far away and having an already busy schedule this is a way for me to somewhat stay in touch with all those people. It's like having your yearly Christmas newsletter everyday. It is also a great place just to be creative, thoughtful, reflective, silly, poignant... oh who the hell am I kidding it's for me to be bitchy and sarcastic.

So there is a nut shell summary of me.

New Car Smell

Honda Civic 2008 Metallic Blue. Very pretty and very much mine. I have a new car and now poor again. Such is life but at least I look good in my new car. This will last awhile so bare with me. :) Now all I need is a boyfriend and I am set lol. And a house. And a dog. And a kid. And a better paying job. I am a simple man I don't need much. :)

And another Thing

What 33 year old man needs to be dating a High Schooler. Really.

I am sorry I am still just flabbergasted by all this. I would never think to discuss intimate things in my life witha a student especially a student I had a feeling had a crush on me. That is just a recipe for disaster. Seriously? I just don't get it. He had all these problems with the student and the parents and he still thinks this way. Ok maybe I am being too narrowminded Maybe I should have a tasteful announcement put in the school newspaper. Maybe we could do an assembly each year for the students and faculty that out themselves that year. The sad truth is yes people should be ok with it, but they are not and we work for a CATHOLIC school. Schools in general have a hard time dealing with it let alone a catholic one. The churches position on homosexuals has actually been getting worse over the last few years so really winning people over to the gays is not my job. Teaching kids how to write a C7 chord in second inversion, yea that would be my job. I don't go out of my way to hide it. The only part of my behavior I change for school is I don't swear infront of the kids and I don't talk about my weekend plans with them either. The way I speak and act is still the same. If they wish to infer that I am gay or straight I don't care.

Am I wrong?

Maybe I am way off base here but I have been and am still chatting with a fellow teacher at school. He also happens to be gay. He apparently had an inccedent with a student that "sexually harrassed" him last year. He apparently had been having conversations with this student about the student dating a 33 year old man. And when he told the student he shouldn't be that is when things go weird. Of course the teacher outed himself to the student. My take on the whole thing was I don't see how my personal life gay or straight has anything to do with teaching. I also said that when faced with that kind of situation that I would refer them to someone else. He asked who? I said oh I don't know someone with counseling skills and experience. He said the kid wouldn't go anywhere else because he thinks the kid had a thing for him. And I said and that is why I would have taken myself out of the situation. He disagreed. He also disagreed that me being gay had nothing to do with my teaching. What?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

Seriously, how... how I say do I need to talk about my personal life when teaching. If I were teaching a course on how to date freaky homos sure I could see that but that wasn't in the course guide last I saw. So am I wrong in thinking, as well intentioned this guy is that I will see him on the news someday.

I’m not picky, they just suck.

I have always thought of my taste in men as... let's just say picky. After this weekend and taking a hard look around, I have decided no I am not picky the men in this town just suck. I am hard pressed to find a single, quality male in this city. Oh don't get me wrong I know they are out there statistically speaking there must be. However I am hard pressed to find them. I don't believe they run in the circles I do nor do they frequent the events and places I do. I am hardly looking for the drop dead gorgeous hunk with a keen intellect and quick wit. No I am searching for something far simpler, just nice, unpretentious and not terrible to look at. I don't say this because I am necessarily looking nor am I wishing to be set up. No this all stems from so rather sobering observations. Not sobering like brought me to an uneasy realization, but sober like I hadn't drank enough. Most men in this town are either so anxious that they are pushy and obnoxious, just rock stupid, or just plain vapid whores. None of which I would like to give my time to. It's actually all good. After having people invade my home for the weekend I am glad no one else lives here it's hard to keep up the appearance that I am content living in my own filth.

Skanks, Kilts and Colts Cheerleaders Oh My!

Sadly I have been busy but really nothing to report. I guess I could give a run down but really the only exciting thing happened last night. I avoided the Bag Lady Bus Tour. If you don't know what it is you are better off. It really comes down to a long night getting on and off a bus and ridiculousness all the way around. Some of my friends went and just met them at different stops along the way. The last place they were going to I went to earlier in the evening and just kind of hung out and waited. In a lot of ways I wished I hadn't and in a some ways I am glad I did. One particular way is that I actually got to see a bar fight. Now let's just clarify that this bar is a gay bar. A gay bar around Halloween so lots of costumes. Mostly men dressed as some kind of woman. Keep this all in mind it will add to the mental picture when we get to it.

First there was the stumbling Scotsman. He was in a kilt and very drunk he fell to the floor at one point and I actually got to use the phrase "We have a piper down" and it was in context. So I texted Mom that they were missing all the fun. Not long after I sent that note that the same piper and a skanky looking girl (a real one I think) and one other guy were in a 3way head lock. It was very bizarre. They would break at moments to sissy slap fight each other then go back to a head lock. All of that as they all three stumble about the very crowded bar. Did I help break it up? No and why should I? This was the most entertainment I have had in quite some time. A few people moved at which point the scotsman throws the skank to the floor and she gets up and lunges at him hissing and clawing. Ok I am not sure if she was hissing but she could have been. Anyway back to the story. So this is when the colts cheerleaders came to the rescue. Well not really colts cheerleaders just a few burly hairy men in colts cheerleading outfits. One grabs the girl steadies himself long enough to pass his cocktail off to a friend in the wings then proceeded to put the girl in a full nelson as the other cheerleader grabs the scot and drag them both out of the bar. Now that is good times. Where else in America or possibly Canada could you get such a great floor show and with no cover.

I need a new car

So today it may very well be the end of this car. I had a nice cloud of black smoke belch forth from the tailpipe as I started up to head home. I was a bit concerned but it ran fine. no more smoke. So far we will see when I head to school in the morning.

Ok Side rant

Not really a rant so much as baffled. I am not much of a hug type person. Now there are some exceptions. People I have known for more than 10 years I am good for a hug but only if I know they are a hug type person. Usually a hello and maybe a handshake and we are good. I will never push anyone away. Well I shouldn't say that there might be a few people in the world I would but I would never get close enough for them to initiate a hug situation. With all that said I hate people in the gay community that meet and greet everyone with a hug and a kiss. They will also say goodbye that way. Are we European? I would never presume that someone would want me to touch them. Especially if I didn't know them very well. So while chatting online a random person struck up a conversation which was all well in good. Kind of boring but you know it's better than somethings that have been purposed over the Internet to me so I can't complain. Well it was all fine and good until I went to sign off and got a *hugs* from the guy. Maybe I am cynical (maybe???) but I can't stand that crap. When you don't know someone. It implies that if we were in public they would have expected or tried to hug me. The thought just makes me shudder a bit. Which I guess brings me to my point, what the hell has happened to personal boundaries? I am also galled by people who are offended that after a 20 minute conversation, where I am most likely looking for an escape route, I don't want to hug them or become remotely physical with them. It's not like I came from a family that didn't hug. We did my moms side of the family did all them time. You couldn't leave the room without hugging my grandma Russell. And like I said with people I know and am comfortable with I don't mind it. It's just total strangers I can't deal. Ah well psychos make the world turn I guess.

Boo on me

Why do I say boo on me? Well I went from a stunning 5-6 times a week during the summer gym going to a mere 1 or 2 times a week. The girls who work the front desk have been giving me a hard time for slacking off. The few times I do go in a week are for yoga. Granted yoga is good for me I should be doing more. So this week I vow to get more time in... ok to be realistic I should aim for next week since I leave Friday to go to Iowa and so that just leaves tomorrow and that will only make twice this week. I just need to get back into a routine. Or I have also decided that when my friend FN is in a routine I am not and when he is off the gym wagon I am full on. So I just need to demotivate him and that will up my gym time. Right???? That's how it would work?? Right??? ok maybe not. It's just easier to blame him. :)

Bored now

Slight frustration at work. These people do not know how to schedule. It was a nightmare today, they had a service fair and had it in the middle of the day and it was just Jacked up no one knew where the hell they were suppose to be or when. Tomorrow all of the Soph. and Jrs are taking the psats and they have never sent a schedule for that. I am going to assume that it will start at the same time school usually starts. If not I will either be late or early. I don't know when things are to start and end so this will be fun. I did a dry run of reading over the instructions and all I have to say is, no wonder I was glad to leave high school. All this testing bullshit is exhausting. It will take like 30 minutes just to fill out the form and their damned survey questions before we get to the actual test.And you have to do this shit twice once in 10th and then again in 11th grade.


Whatever!

Happy genocide day

I hope everyone enjoyed their day of genocide also known as Columbus Day. I like to look at it in the good light of human curiosity. Exploration may not have been the initial reason, all things are economically motivated, but that is what occurred when Columbus and many other fortune hunts found the continents in the western hemisphere. I also know that many of those natives were slaughtered and many died of unexpected disease. But… where was I going with this oh yes without all of that I might not have become friends with great person. Yes I was reminded yesterday that we became friends after I overheard her conversation about celebrating Columbus Day by putting three ships in her front lawn. I knew I must have this person as a friend. Columbus Day is one of those weird holidays that people don't like to recognize too much and are ashamed of liking because it does draw up images of small pox and land grabbing and countless slaughtered men, women, and children from sea to shining sea. Really makes you proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. Yes as a white male age 25-40 I am probably freer than most people. And now I am one of those who are insured and not leaching off good tax paying god fearing Americans like me. Well actually not like me I don't go in for that whole god fearing thing. I also don't think those without coverage are necessarily leaching off anyone. They have a rough sitch I should know I was one of them. I have spent more of my life without a safety net than with one. My parents were self employed and couldn't afford it and I had a job that offered it for 2 years and now this job so like 30 years without kind of a long time. But back to Columbus Day, it's hard to say I like where I live and how I live without being reminded of all those people that lost so much. I also have to look at it realistically, I didn't do it, there is no way for me to change history and so I just do the best I can to make life better for as many people as possible and go from there. So sad day for ancient cultures but I got a great friend out of it.And really isn't that what Columbus was trying to discover, a friend for me. :)

All I can say is drunk

Mission accomplished. I know that phrase has recieved a bad rep with the current administration but it is applicable. Last night I was hoping to drink myself to a new state of mind and tonight I am there. I love warm weather I can walk(stumble ) home from the bars. To recap my day High school students = drama and I am so over that. To my friend Romeo, for what it's worth sorry and it will be better. For Sarah, No I was not talking about you and when sober there will be a retraction. For all those looking for incoherent I hope that satisfied because I am so not using spell check or really looking at the screen right now.

Later all

Sorry

I am sure I am letting you down this is a completely sober blog entry. I too was hoping for something a little more incoherent. I was hoping to be a bit tipsy tonight but alas I am home sober. Boooooooooo.
The day was boring came in and mostly made copies all morning. Today was a half day and it's the Friday of Homecoming so they did all their fun crap today and the pep rally before the "big game". I use the quotes because it is always the same team. And we always slaughter them. Score at the end of the first quarter Us 35 Them 0. Yep you read that right 5 touch downs in 12 minutes. The other fun thing is that we had to start an hour behind because the other team hit bad traffic and was delayed. So we said fuck it we are leaving after the 3rd quarter. The main reason is that the homecoming dance is also going on during the football game. Game starts at 7:00 Dance starts at 8:00. Of course tonight the game started at 8:00. Most all the students had vacated the stands by the end of the half when they knew who was King and Queen. Very much like Butler homecoming. So the kids were eager to go and so was I. The third string was in tons of JV and we were still up 62 to 0 when we left at the end of the 3rd. So said I begin to root for the other side just to score... once. I feel bad for that team to drive 3 hours get the shit kicked out of them and then return home 3 hrs. When I am hearing Band kids names over the PA because they are in the game I know it's sad.
Ok and here was the kicker of the evening. So a kid got a call that a friend of his died after surgery today. Rightfully so he should be upset. He didn't go to our school but a lot of kids knew him and then several kids who didn't know the kid who had died but their friends were crying started crying too. They even announced over the speakers and had a moment to silence for the kid. Then 20 minutes later, we are told the kid is not dead. ?????? I don't know it blows my mind to. I had sent a kid home at the start of this because he was so upset. Several kids were upset and then they were told he was fine. I mean come on who does that. Who calls and says someone is dead when they didn't know for sure. Ah Drama, gotta love it. Such an interesting night.

Maybe the weekend will get better and by get better I mean I get drunk at some point.

WTF?

Yea I don't know what yesterday was all about. I think today I will let loose with a bit of my own failings. Yes I have an addiction and yes the first step to recovery is to admit I have a problem. Though this addiction will come as no surprise to anyone, if you have read any of my drunken rant blogs it will all make sense. Fried foods are my weakness in particular fried cheese. On some occasions I will leave my house late at night (9:00pm how did that become late????) and drive to White Castle and order up some cheese sticks. Yes I know why those last 20lbs of fat will not vacate the premises because of this action. Now this may sound like justification but I don't do this every night, some nights I am already in bed by 9. OK ok ok I know I should not be doing this, but they are so damned good. But but I am going to the gym, ok not as regularly as during the summer but I haven't stopped altogether so kudos to me. Of course the kudos is negated by the cheese sticks. So yes I have a problem and I am admitting to it but do I really want help? Nope. Now when I pick up meth we can talk.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Why the hell do we do anything really? In a conversation about the relative politeness of society in general I got to thinking why do we do anything. What also got me to thinking about this is that I believe it is Emily Posts birthday soon I didn't really catch the beginning of the radiocast, well would have she's dead. This is they quote the used from her, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use." Here is a fine example of telling us that we need not seek acknowledgement for our deeds. Yes attention is good we all like attention, well except the kind you get when you show up naked to school, but you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel we do things strictly because we want someone to notice. I was having a discussion today about a study talking about people who hold the door open for others as opposed to those who do not. How we get upset when someone doesn't hold it open for us or how we don't think twice when we neglect others. We also tend to get upset when people don't say thank you when you do. Do we do it for the thanks? Because really I'd rather a tip. Seriously, we do a number of things in our lives for the credit. I understand the irony of my next statement, but how many people throw their personal lives out into cyberspace for people to gawk at and ask them to admire us for our witty commentary on life. (Ok I need to justify myself if I were indeed throwing myself out there don't you think it wouldn't be set to private so only my friends could look at it. This is easier than Christmas newsletters and phone calls. Plus you should see what I write in my real journal.) Speaking of Christmas I remember when I made the awful suggestion to my family to take the money they would have spent on the gift exchange and give it to a charity. Boy was I met with blank stares and sarcastic laughter. Yes I do get it from somewhere and my family is a torrent of snide comments and backtalk. Back to my point, at Christmas it's all about getting the most for others so they know you like them and then in return getting a huge amount. Over the years I just don't get it. I buy gifts I love giving gifts but not out of an obligation but because I want to. My gift giving can be very sporadic some years yes some years no. If I see something that makes me think of a friend and I have the money I will get it. Because I know they would like it. Sometimes it's the little things that may seem stupid to others but I hope will convey my sentiment. I gave my mother a stone with the Chinese symbol for love on it. It is to be a paper weight but I thought it was a nice gesture. Of course I had to explain it to my mom but everyone else in my family laugh and said why would you buy her a rock that's just stupid. I just rolled my eyes and had the kids not been there I think I would have just said fuck off. If I were concerned that others needed to see some grand monetary gesture I would have passed over that. It wasn't that I wanted my mother to know acknowledge the thought behind it but to actually feel it. And it makes me feel good that she has it on her night stand. To me that is better than a fuck off to my brothers any day.

ugh

I have been so out of it lately. I am home sick today. I have been feeling this coming on for days, weeks even. I have just been refusing to acknowledge it's presence in my life. Even on my free weekend I found that I needed to work, work, work, and not just be. Granted I did get a lot done that needed to be but still come on. Every part of my body aches or flat out hurts. Its 7 am on a day I am home sick and I have already sent emails to all my classes and to the subs for those classes. If I wasn't vomiting I do believe I would be there right now. This is such a far cry from college when if I felt slightly tired I was in bed and would have remained there for days to recover. I don't know if that was because I wasn't interested in what I was doing or what. I am very interested in what I am doing these days. Even though I may not love my co worker I do love the job. I actually look forward to the day, even the long and unbearably tiring days. Today would have been one of those days; there is still a part of me that says I could pull it together for the second half. But I do believe I am on the best diet ever this morning I think I have lost 5lbs and I have no appetite. lol

Not really my life

What a bizzaro weekend. This was in essence my one free weekend of the marching season. We usually go from the first of September to mid October with one thing or another during a weekend. But this year we have managed to get one totally free weekend. No contest, no football game. And what pray tell did I do with my weekend? Well Friday I went to the gym and then got a wild hair and started purging my closet, it really hasn't stopped I just moved on to my dressers. I did do something fun don't be mistaken. I went out and hung out with my friend Xena and her friend Mindy who I really dig she is fun times. I ended up staying out pretty late. Later than I normally would when I am at Gregs. To my friends who I normally go out with don't take this next part wrong but I stayed out later because I was actually having great conversations. I am not saying with the others I don't this was just new and fresh and there for more interesting. We ended up talking music with another Butler alumna who also is a musician. It was fantastic I don't know if it was because I was drunk but I really had a great time and really miss playing in a good group. It has been so long, I would love to find a way to do more serious playing. I mean the big gay band is fine but honestly even on a secondary instrument I am bored. I would love a challenge; it's been a while for that.
Anyway my Saturday was more cleaning and boxing up things for goodwill and then I went, where you might ask on a weekend that was to be marching band free, to a marching band competition. Yes I know, I was free I should have run for the hills but alas I went. A few months ago a great friend of mine got hired as a band director 2 weeks before her band camp was to start and she had no drill and know idea what her kids were capable of doing. She asked and I said I would write some drill for her. Now she had come by a DVD of the previous year's performance, we watched it and granted I didn't do by any means my best work; however what I did produce was miles ahead of what they had. With all of this in mind I really wanted to see her band and see how they were doing with what I gave them. I was impressed; understand most of that band is in Jr. High. What I gave them, for most bands would not be challenging but for them it was and they were handling it well. Kudos to them. After I left the competition I met up with some friends for dinner and then we went out to the bars. I know 2 nights in a row what the hell is wrong with me. We didn't stay late, which was fine with me I really didn't need to. This morning was a slow day more cleaning and the gym and then I had volunteered earlier in the week to do a Parish night.

What is a Parish night you may be wondering, or maybe you are wondering why I read this blog. A Parish night is an opportunity for families in different catholic parishes to get together to here faculty and staff talk up the school I teach for. I had never been to one and this was a new concept to me. Though I had heard of it before I have never witnessed it and I never really understood it. It's like interest meetings we had for my fraternity in college. It was all the way out in Brownsburg, I am simply amazed as to the lengths people will go to send their kids to this school that is quite a haul.

So let's recap on my free weekend I went out twice made a hefty donation to goodwill, went to a band competition that my band was not at and did and info night for my school. Other than getting out to the bars that was a sad free weekend. Don't get me wrong it was well needed and productive. Yea I have a life; it's still in the shrink wrap.

100 here I come

So this is my 100th blog entry, a milestone if you will. I have been agonizing over the best topic to choose to honor this occasion and since most of you really enjoy the drunken rants here goes. I am a wee bit drunk I don't know if this will constitute as a rant or not but it is a rambling of several things and may not flow very well. I will also state up front if TMI is not your thing and I understand if it is not especially coming from me then maybe you should skip this one I will give a fair amount of warning before we get there but turn back now if you are a bit squimish. :)

So I have purged today, in my quest to get my life back under some semblance of control I purged my closet. Many clothes I have been hanging on to since college if you can believe, I have boxed up to send to goodwill. I actually , I counted, got rid of 26 sweaters I still have 21 but I did get rid of a lot. I also got rid of 2 grocery bags of tshirts, polos and dress shirts that I have not or ever will wear again. the fact that I have two huge closets in my bedroom and they barely contain my wardrobe really means I need to cut back. My friend Sarah when we were in college once said she only needed 3 outfits to survive, I don't know about that but I could stand to have less. After helping friends move last weekend I thought, I really don't want to have to move all of this shit again. So thus a great purge. I have been binging for years so this feels good. No I have not touched the shoes I did that when I moved a year and a half ago. I will maintain one vice in the way of consumerism and that will be my shoes. And DVDs and CDs and and and ... get off my back!

After all of that today I went to a band competition, you know cause I don't get enough of that on a daily basis. (rolling eyes). The difference here is I had nothing at stake. really every other week I don't either. I don't know I spent most of last week doing the rehearsals on my own and it was nice. I really felt like if I was there all the time they would be very disciplined and do very well. but the the idiot comes back and she undoes everything I did. Ah well. I am so getting over it. Note how little I have talked about her lately. I am just trying to let it roll off my back it's cheaper than therapy and medication.

*Warning* *Warning*
I need male contact soon. I just crave a little affection. Ok a lot. I am tired of being alone, I can do it that is not the problem I just really want someone around. Granted I am not sure I am totally prepared for that I have become too used to being alone I think. It would be hard to have someone around a lot but I am at a point I am ready to try again. It's just very difficult. Right now I would settle for someone to lie naked with for awhile. Granted I would like to at least like that person but you know with each passing day that is becoming less of a requirement.

So yea I am drunk and I wish my 100th blog entry was a bit more witty, a bit more insightful and maybe punctuated and spelled corectly but really that's my life always wanting more but finding the timeing to be bad. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life don't think I have gone off the deep end. :)

In the shop

First I have to say coolio I am now at 100 comments on my blog. Thank you to all of you who made this moment possible *wipe tear* I couldn't have done it without you. No really I couldn't have, I guess I could have commented myself but that would have made me look lame… er.

Aside from that I have to report something new in my life. I have found myself in some very awkward positions. I never really knew I could bend like that before. It makes me sweaty and a bit light headed. I would almost at moments call it a swoon. What is you ask? I have started yoga and damn it kicks my ass. Tonight was my second night of it and boy it is a lot harder than I thought. No, I didn't think it would be a walk in the park but damn. There were moments I forgot to breathe. I only thought that would happen to drunken sorority girls. If you have known me for any length of time and have been keeping up with the blog you may have noticed a trend as of late. I am trying to eat better, going to the gym, being nicer to my fellow person, and now yoga. Yes I am giving my life a tune up. Why you ask? Well I am not getting any younger, not that I have been feeling old I just know that things are going to start giving up on me and I would like to prolong that as long as possible. I am also for the most part happy with me and how I am but there is always room for improvement. So that is what I am attempting. Of course in the process I will probably somehow make things worse but at least I am trying. I don't know if any of this means anything but I feel better and for right now that is good enough for me.

Coolness

It is kind of interesting being on the observational side of the great social experiment known as High School. Now I listened to an interview with a writer who firmly believed that the high school social structure always exists whether or not you are there or not. Example, if you were the cool kid in high school you are the cool kid in the adult world. I really don't buy into that. I really do believe that people may still think they are the cool kid still but they always thought that and it wasn't always true. Popularity is such a tricky thing; being popular means people like you for some reason most people later in life say they really didn't like the so called popular kids. If that is true then who made them popular? My answer, they did. It is a self proclaimed title, they did nothing to deserve it but teenagers are so self conscience that they are not going to contradict anyone lest call attention to themselves. Conformity is the name of the game in high school, to be set apart, aside from being in a sport, is not cool. Look at those after high school who are the most interesting, they are the ones who changed, did something different with their life and were most likely nerds. I have two theories as to why they do, 1.) They were ridiculed for being different so they didn't care if they tried something new it didn't matter. 2.) Because they were ridiculed they felt the need to change to conform to the norm and in the process found out who they really were. For whatever reason these people so called uncool are the more dynamic people. Those who were "cool" stayed the same for fear of screwing up a good thing and therefore haven't grown. They were not willing to take risks because that would set them apart and that would make them a looser. They couldn't have that so there they are in the same town they grew up in still going to the high school football games saying things like "When I was in school…(insert lame story here)" I would hate to ever think of my high school years as the best in my life. Hell I would hate to say that college was the best years of my life. I would hope that the best years of my life are still to come. The day I look back and say damn that was the best ever is they day I die, and that had better be a long ways away. Even then I would hope I would still want to do more.

Ha! I knew it.

Crocs stupid and evil shoes. If you know me then you know I love shoes. I can't always afford what I want but I do like them. But, but I hate crocs. No offense to those of you who love them and wear them but I think they look like gardening shoes and by extension tacky. When I see them I picture an octogenarian coming in from pruning her azaleas. But not I have proof that they are not only tacky but evil. Reports on these Styrofoam lookalikes have caused injury from getting caught in escalators and causing feet to get snagged as well. One report talked of a four year old who practically had is big toenail ripped off. It did cause a lot of bleeding and many others have had similar or worse encounters with the evil croc and mass people movers. Now if there were a story about Capri's (can't stand those either) causing cancer I would have a great week.

For the record

Really funny I was talking to Mom and she was telling that a friend of ours was saying that he thought I was going on more dates than I was willing to tell. Because I didn't want to be thought of as having too many first dates. To that I say hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I wish I had that kind of rep. In fact I am not dating, have not been dating nor will be in the foreseeable future. Not that I am against it I am just not in a place where I am having them beating down my door. Neither am I really out there trolling if you will. I have never been a very motivated dater. Only once in my life have I ever pursued a reluctant suitor. I usually take people on their word that they are not interested or really on their sideways glances for I never approach. I once did it took like 3 hours and 6 drinks to do so. I do better when I have no expectations and do real desire. I did get hit on up in Chicago during pride but nothing came of it we just danced we didn't even kiss, it was all very Victorian.

I laugh because last night I watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" and my favorite line is at the beginning "Unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was going to be with a bottle of wine. And I would finally die fat and alone and found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction" Being 32 and struggling with weight and probably drinking more than I should I feel very much like that. But worry not gentle readers I am not ready to off myself just yet. But to get back to the point no I am not dating if I were I would guarantee that those dates would be excellent fodder for this blog. I am sure when I run out of things to write about I will start dating again.

yea for raises

Friday was my first paycheck at a higher pay and insurance. It was rather nice. The extra income will be rather nice. But it really makes me think of how some people do it on less and we talk about the working poor and those people who are one paycheck away from really bad times. I can see it, especially when they don't have a support system. Over the years since college I have always had my parents there to help me out when they could and when I needed it. The amount of stress lifted by the thought of not really needing that if something happened, like an illness or the need for other large ticket items like a car or the like. It's really being insured that has lifted the stress the most. Though I am in good health I look at my family medical history and its like walking through a mine field with clown shoes. Brother with a defibrillator, one with crones another with diabetes, heart disease rampant and cancer and diabetes in a good 3rd of the family. So one might see why going uninsured is a bit nerve racking. Ah well now I can go when I feel ill or before. A little security in life but really makes me feel worse about all those without that kind of support. But for one day I choose to be happy about my situation. Tomorrow I will go back to worry about the other 40 million that are living without coverage.

Busking

As I was walking to the gym I noticed a man sitting outside a café playing a guitar. I chuckled to myself thinking "What would people do if I just started practicing my music outside a café?" Most likely they may ask me to stop or throw money in my case depending on which instrument I was choosing to practice. It got me to thinking you see people playing guitar, saxophone or hitting a drum or bucket. But really that is all that is common, you don't see flute players, Tuba players, cellists or my favorite image a harpist. Granted if you could afford a harp you wouldn't be out on the street playing for change. That made me think, is it because people who play other instruments smart enough to choose a sensible career. Or are the more talented actually doing something with their music. After having heard my fair share of on street sax playing and admittedly I did tell a guy he needed a newer reed or a harder one (why the guy didn't deck me I will never know), they really are not that good. I am not great by any stretch of the imagination but I have more of a shot making a life for myself by just playing then most of these people. I really think it comes down to the personalities of the people play those instruments. If you have ever been in band you know what I mean. Just think about the guys that play drums you can totally see them on the streets someday. An oboe player is just far too sensible to try something like that. They are also usually too frail to spend a lot of time on the streets. I think about how it would throw people for a crumhorn consort to be sitting on a street corner. Ok that just makes me chuckle.

Trickie

Dating for me is always a difficult area, what is even more difficult is getting to that dating phase. I spend so much time trying to get to a safe place before even initiating anything. I try not to seem like I like them because what if they don't I don't want to give off that stalker vibe that is oh so sexy. But at the same time I want them to know that I might be interested if they are interested. So in doing this I play this game of dancing to the edge and then coming back and then I just come off schizophrenic. Again oh so sexy. I know I step back from it all and think I am a fucking moron, if I am interested just go for it. This would be the advice I would give any of my friends but yet what is good for them is never good for me. I know that is insane, but alas I am stuck with that. So yea how do you dance delicately across that line of "hey let's be friends" and "hey let's be friends, unless you want more then I am game." Instead I end up with "hey" which really translates to "hey let's be friends unless you want more but if you don't I am cool though I wouldn't mind seeing where it goes unless you don't know big deal just let me know." Really the only response to that should be "WTF? *click*"

Not really looking for advice I know what the advice should be. Just suck it up and do it, get it over with, the worst that could happen is they say no. I know this I am just putting it out there so later I can look at what a dumbass I am being. :)

Consumer Report

If you are ever in the market for a printer or a combo printer, scanner, copier, fax let me tell you. Do not be enticed by the low low price of Lexmark. If you are not aware of this truly craptastic product please avoid at all cost. The minor annoyances aside I find this to be a substandard product at best. By minor annoyances I refer to the fact the printer likes to talk, wait it's more like yelling in a robotic tone "Printing Started", "Printing complete" I mean seriously I don't know how many times I have jumped because of that damned thing. I also find it annoying that you can so easily change the language and have some Swedish woman yelling at me in a language I don't speak.

But the one aspect of this product that I find the most annoying is that even if you have the software for this product loaded on your computer if you have to switch between computers or ever have to disconnect it. The next time you plug it back in you must uninstall and reinstall the program every goddamned time. As soon as I get some money together I believe I will be recreating a scene from Office Space. If you know the movie you know what I mean. "PC load letter? What the fuck is PC load letter?"

If anyone has a suggestion on a good printer I am all ears.

Score one for Karma

In my Continuing struggle to be a better person I must say the past several days have actually have gone well. A few weeks ago a disparaging comment about someone I knew and wasn't terribly pleased with was made, and I refrained from making a chatty remark. It was an easy shot and normally I would take it but because I was not pleased with the individual it would have been more hurtful and vicious than other wise would have been. So I opted instead to say nothing. I was literally biting my tongue not to say anything.

This weekend afforded me the opportunity to loose my cool and just get pissed off. Several things at the contest went wrong. Not on our end but the organizers were less than organized. It rained and they were doing the best they could. I felt myself getting irritated and about to just start bitching loudly but instead I said to myself, "you can't do anything but wait, so wait." I did I just took information as it came to me asked for clarification when one tid bit didn't match what someone had said 5 minutes earlier. It actually worked out much better than I had expected. I think the best moment I had was when we were trapped in a hall waiting to load and another band had their truck blocking an entrance and taking their sweet time I just looked for solutions instead of bitching about the idiot band that is selfishly blocking an area and leaving several bands to wait in a downpour. We actually got all of our stuff loaded and out before the band ahead of us that was blocking. Of course Special K was just standing around looking like a twit that didn't know what was going on. It really didn't occur to me till this moment that she was utterly useless during all that. I believe her only contribution was, "I really don't know what to do till they move." Maybe I am just used to her being useless or I was just in such a mode of problem solving and letting things roll off my back that I just didn't notice.

The last thing is just something someone did or in this case didn't do and until recently I would have expected more from them but now I am not surprised. And you know what I am hurt and disappointed but really I haven't complained to anyone. I could openly talk about this person since so few on here know who it is and they don't read this but this may be the only time I say anything about it. Maybe I should have even written this but hey baby steps.

Wow my 30's are turning out better than my 20's

Thank you

To all who have sent me birthday wishes I thank you. To everyone else go to hell. lol Totally kidding. I am probably the worst person on remembering peoples Birthdays. So I am totally impressed that a lot of you remembered. This was probably the worst time for me to try cutting back carbs because my students just kept bringing in baked goods after baked goods all day. I had brownies and cupcakes and one class made a cake. All of which was very good; however it all spent the day taunting me and begging me to eat it. Of course I did. So tonight when I got home and said fuck the gym and almost fell asleep on the couch, I decided to say fuck the cut back and ordered Bazbauxs pizza. Of course with the pizza I also got the garlic cheese bread with pesto mmmmmmm so good but not good for me. :) I so don't really care I only turn 32 once, 29 a couple of times but 32 once. I must say I really never want to relive my 20's ever again. In retrospect the blinding poverty I didn't mind, because I didn't know better, but now that I do… never again. I really enjoy my job right now, with some minor adjustments it will get better. But until that time occurs I am pleased with the situation. Life is good, it could stand to be better but if I had all I wanted then what would be the fun in that?

Dear Ms. Manners

I have a question of etiquette. A few months ago I started up an online conversation with a young gentleman that I found attractive. We had even conversed off line in public and then something changed. I am not sure as to what occurred to cease conversation, but it has happened in the past and I let it go. I found that this young man had blocked me from websites we had used to talk and ignoring me on other sites. At this point I didn't care. What I do find perplexing and what brings me to my question of etiquette. When I see this young man in public he is always eager to say hi and almost get flirty at times. I find this behavior to be a bit two faced and irritating. So here is my question. I am obligated to return flirty behavior or can I be rude and cold which is my first instinct. Ok probably shouldn't be rude but do I need be cordial?

Yours truly,

Blown Off (but not in a good way)