What a day

So I got an extra day off before spring break starts. I would normally feel like this was great except the reason for it was because a student over the weekend died in his sleep, and the funeral was today. I would have gone but I am just not ready to go to another funeral. I actually am not sure I will ever be ready for it again. It makes it even worse since I found out the reason for the sudden death it was from huffing. I just shake my head and think what a waste I mean a young persons death seems so needless to me but when it could have been prevented. It just makes me sad. No, I didn't know the student or any students that did, but when this happened last fall with another student (different circumstance) I just couldn't help but think how would I handle it if it were a student of mine. I have to say I would be pretty devastated.

So I got a free day from work. I decided not to waste it. I have been cleaning and doing laundry all day. I also cleaned out my trunk in my car. I have also baked cookies and cupcakes for my students tomorrow. I know it's silly but I like doing it. Though the more kids I get the harder it becomes I don't really mind. I know I would have thought that great on our last day before spring break we get baked goods.:o) Especially since they have a quiz tomorrow. Now that was crappy of me. But it's not like these quizzes are hard. So I buy them off with sugar. Maybe this is why my class keeps getting bigger. Such is life.

New Hobbies and other ways to waste my time.

So I am sure I am the last person to have discovered this but I have a new love. Wikipedia! I am sure it will lose it's shine and luster soon enough but I could sit on there all day just jumping around from topic to topic. I start one thread looking for the original lyrics for a piece of music my kids are playing and some how get to reading about the four truths of Buddhism. What a day.

So my original search did not actually produce anything useful. I enjoy having the students learn that sometime instrumental music have roots in language and that sometimes that language is striking at times. Example we are playing a wonderfully lush and beautiful piece called "Sleep" by Eric Whitacre. The original text it is based on is by Charles Anthony Silvestri, and is below.



The evening hangs beneath the moon,
A silver thread on darkened dune.
With closing eyes and resting head
I know that sleep is coming soon.

Upon my pillow, safe in bed,
A thousand pictures fill my head,
I cannot sleep, my mind’s a flight;
And yet my limbs seem made of lead.

If there are noises in the night,
A frightening shadow, flickering light;
Then I surrender unto sleep,
Where clouds of dream give second sight.

What dreams may come, both dark and deep,
Of flying wings and soaring leap
As I surrender unto sleep,
As I surrender unto sleep,
sleep,
sleep,

Granted it was originally a choral piece and that is so wonderful, but the wind arrangement is just great for bringing that emotional connection to the kids. Something that I never forget in doing music is that I so want others to get that feeling. The feeling when you are just enveloped in music and the sounds are all around you and you just let go and there is this burning in your chest and you want to laugh and cry all at once. It's like your spirit wants to leap from your body. The music has made your soul so big that you body just can't contain it any more.

It's just so hard to express that to students, well anyone really, so that is why I like to find these types of pieces. As a friend of my was saying that just letting people know that there are other ways to think is so important and I think that's true for letting people know that beyond that there are other ways to feel.

Family

I roll my eyes and sigh heavily every time I think of my brother closest in age to me. We will just call him idiot. We just got all of my fathers farm equipment appraised to sell at an auction. Idiot comes over to my mothers and starts talking about getting all this equipment to use so he can play farmer. 1. He doesn't need to be doing any of this now he has like 1/2 an acre so it's not like he is in a time crunch. 2. As my mother so aptly pointed out I don't want you using this and potentially breaking it before we can sell it. He has his own stuff why he doesn't want to use it I don't know. No I do know why because he is a selfish little twit who probably thinks,"Why should I put wear and tear on my stuff when we are just going to sell the other anyway." There are days that I just don't claim to have 3 brothers.
The upshot is I am nothing like my brothers. I am far more liberal minded then all of them and I seem to be a lot more sensitive and self aware. I think my favorite moment was when my nephew said "Uncle Maestro you are the smart brother aren't you." How does one respond to that? Knee jerk reaction is a simple "Yes." But I refrained and said that we were all smart in our own ways. I think they think that because I understand what it is like to be younger and left out of adult conversations and doings. So I try harder then anyone else to include them and to not talk down to them but treat them like humans, understandably younger less developed humans but humans none the less. They understand more that people give them credit for. They know more and see more than sometimes we think. Not all of them are but there are some you have to watch out for, They perceive the world better than we would like to admit.

Everyone loves a Parade

So the Band just got back from doing a St. Patrick's Day Parade. I really loathe parades. I don't know why exactly I just do. Of all the things we come together for as a community it is one of my least favorites. Watching them is boring enough and participating isn't really that much better. Ah well I guess I am a parade scrooge I can live with that.

On another note I heard back from a college professor about an idea I had to start a new music ensemble here at the school. He thinks it's a great idea and is willing to help me as much as I would need. I am just excited to expose these kids to a more dynamic way of thinking. Avaunt Guarde is so out there and sometimes it's just smoke and mirrors and sometimes it can really speak to you on a deeper level. I mean really I can point out crap when I hear/see it, but I will give just about any art form a chance. I would like to see more people do that. It also means that you as a person are more willing to go out on a limb for just about anything. And I think the world could do with more people like that. If I can do that then maybe that is what I am meant to do. I could think of far worse things to do.

Sigh

Wow it's been awile.

It's been awhile since I have had either the time or the thought to actually do this. Since this is mostly for me and no one else really reads this I guess it doesn't matter. Though I am sure it would make "talking" to oneself a little less crazy if I knew there were people I was talking to. I could gone on and on about things I have been doing or news in my life but I must say I have been nothing but consumed lately. Consumed with this lingering loneliness. This gnawing feeling that my pool of people to really open up with is small if existent at all. I know there are people I could call anytime and vent to but I feel so guilty doing so. They have lives, they have problems too and who am I to dump on them. I know they are my friends and I know they love me but it is sometimes too much for me so why add to their grief.
Yes I guess my life is fine but I really would like someone to have intament times with to share my life and everything in with them. I haven't had a real date in over a year. I try and I go through these spurts of really trying to get out there and date but then the rejection kicks in and the depression and I think why am I bothering. I have to say this last one really put me over. Not even a decent blow off just silence. I am proud of myself for calling one last time then deleting him out of my phone before I did something stupid. I only called the 3 times and I actually talked to him once and then nothing. Well fuck him he's and idiot. I hope he never is happy in a relationship. I really don't mean that but then again maybe I do.
So yea that's where I am in a real crappy place these days. I really don't see that changing. I have and continue to have the worst luck with dating. Even when I had a relationship it was a chore to get it going. I have to say it really does a number on you when you spend a year with a guy that is your boyfriend and he rejects you physically constantly it really fucks you up.
So I will bitch here and probably never speak of this again.

Until next time gentle reader.