Wow it's been awile.

It's been awhile since I have had either the time or the thought to actually do this. Since this is mostly for me and no one else really reads this I guess it doesn't matter. Though I am sure it would make "talking" to oneself a little less crazy if I knew there were people I was talking to. I could gone on and on about things I have been doing or news in my life but I must say I have been nothing but consumed lately. Consumed with this lingering loneliness. This gnawing feeling that my pool of people to really open up with is small if existent at all. I know there are people I could call anytime and vent to but I feel so guilty doing so. They have lives, they have problems too and who am I to dump on them. I know they are my friends and I know they love me but it is sometimes too much for me so why add to their grief.
Yes I guess my life is fine but I really would like someone to have intament times with to share my life and everything in with them. I haven't had a real date in over a year. I try and I go through these spurts of really trying to get out there and date but then the rejection kicks in and the depression and I think why am I bothering. I have to say this last one really put me over. Not even a decent blow off just silence. I am proud of myself for calling one last time then deleting him out of my phone before I did something stupid. I only called the 3 times and I actually talked to him once and then nothing. Well fuck him he's and idiot. I hope he never is happy in a relationship. I really don't mean that but then again maybe I do.
So yea that's where I am in a real crappy place these days. I really don't see that changing. I have and continue to have the worst luck with dating. Even when I had a relationship it was a chore to get it going. I have to say it really does a number on you when you spend a year with a guy that is your boyfriend and he rejects you physically constantly it really fucks you up.
So I will bitch here and probably never speak of this again.

Until next time gentle reader.