I still don't know.

I have never really had a good grip on what is happening in my life and the more I try to understand it the less I do. So, I think I am just going to let the currents take me where they may. I could quite literally end up in the gutter. Or not who really knows. The past month I have been applying for jobs in another city. I have completely given up on this one. Not that I dislike Indianapolis, just the opposite. I have just come to an understanding with the city that we are both just looking for too different things. So I am breaking up with it.

That really is the best way of putting it. We have laughed and cried together, grown together (especially around the middle) and I think it's best if we just stay friends. No I don't think a change of scenery is going to change anything really but staying in the same isn't changing anything either. It's more than just still looking for a job, it's about how I am here. I don't like who I am here. I am a different person when I am around different people. I was lamenting to a friend and asking if it was bad that I saw moving as a chance to purge friends? Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends here, however I am ready for something else.

I will soon be 35 and will have had one boyfriend for less than one year of my life and nothing else. I will have had 2 jobs I sorta liked and nothing else. Yes yes I know all of that is on me and not my friends or where I lay my head every night. However something needs to change and I am starting with the easiest, location. I have always found it easier to change my habits when I am in a new physical location so this is an experiment. If it works great if not maybe I will head somewhere else. But unlike last time I will have a job before I go. about 9 years ago I moved to Florida without a job and 3 months later I was back. But the flip side Chicago is much closer. And so far job opportunities are greater. As a friend pointed out that there is a larger populous vying for those jobs as well. I say yes however I have found 10 times the number of jobs there and Chicago's population is not 10 times that of Indy. And it's Chicago, what's not to love. Yes winters suck up there but winters suck here and up there I won't have to scrape my car. Yes I will have to walk in it more and that will be a point of contention but so what.

Goddamn it I want to be positive again. I liked myself better when I was and I haven't been for a long time so here we go.