Christmas Traditions

It has been interesting over the past few days to talk about Christmas traditions in different families. The only ones I can remember where waking up early and claiming our booty and spending the rest of our day becoming quickly bored with all we had gained. Then as I grew older just a lot of uncomfortable family time. As we grew up we developed opinions and judgements of one another. I personally enjoyed throwing my brothers curve balls in how they thought of me. Now I find we don't do much as a family anymore. My brothers will spend time with their wives families and will be in and out sporadically through out the day. So I have found myself developing holiday traditions outside of my family. Christmas night I usually find myself at my friend Maya's parents. We will play Trivial Pursuit. And many of my other friends will be there. It is one of my favorite things. I look forward to it every year. I guess I do have one family tradition that I do look forward to and have been doing for as long as I can remember. I help my parents decorate for Christmas every year. Growing up we never decorated outside because we lived in the middle of nowhere and no one would see it. So my father double the normal indoor lighting. We would light up anything and everything. I still enjoy doing that. I don't think we have put up enough until we can turn off normal lights and still read, then we have enough lights. :)

I would love to come up with some other traditions. So any suggestions I am open to them.

And so it will go part two

So I really have to ask myself why there hell am I even there for other than to do anything

Special K doesn't want to. Number of concert pieces I am doing on this concert 0 Yes boys and girls I am once again getting the shaft without lube or a reacharound. The only thing I am doing is a "pre-concert" that is just suggested to attend for the 2 Jazz Bands and the string ensemble. I have been relegated to the bastard stepchild position. Number of students STUDENTS!!!!!!! that get to be in front of the concert band. 1 that is yes one more than I get. This has more to do with her laziness than her malicious nature. She waited 4 weeks to start concert band the only reason we started that late because she didn't do the folders. Thus we had to delay playing tests which apparently only I can do and thus I got almost no podium time. Because I had to spend all my time doing playing tests. But whatever. I am done with her and as soon as I can speak to my department chair and the Principle I will not be back next fall.

I have to say this really upsets me a lot because I really liked these kids and this job and I have to say I am pretty damned good at it. Such as how my life has been going lately so I am not terribly surprised.

Tagalong

I have decided that I am content in just being a homebody. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy going out and being with friends. This time of year I realize more and more that I have friends who like to go to parties and good for them, however I only like to go when I know the host. By knowing the host I mean I can do more than pick them out of a line up. I feel like such an interloper when I am at these functions when I am a "tagalong" with my friends. I am not very good at making friends out of strangers. I am very shy I know that may be hard to believe but I am. I assume that if they don't talk to me they don't want me to approach them. So you see why I wouldn't like being someplace where I know no one. I figure I have friends that I neglect now why make more to neglect later. I am kidding of course. I am not opposed to meeting people I am just bad at it. Probably yet another reason I don't date, well that and my incredibly bad luck when it comes to men. I find it fun when I find out people who stop returning phone calls to me are now dating others. I always assume they are incapable of dating. But this must not be true. What must be true is that they are incapable of dating me.

Grrr

I am so hating everything right now. I am completely depressed. I am incredibly lonely. I hate my job. And I feel like in the last 6 months I have been forced out of everything I have enjoyed. I fuckin hate that people who don't know me talk about me. I honestly don't care what they think but it effects my relationships with other people. I feel like I should be the way they say I am. Just so they can see what an asshole I can be.

And so it will go

Tomorrow I will work with the concert band for only the second time this semester. Special K will be out with some kiddies so no playing tests tomorrow.

I anticipate Wednesday I will get through Tubas, Horns and the last Trumpets.
Thursday the first of the Altos
Friday finish the Altos and start the Clarinets
Monday Pep band so no playing tests then.
Tuesday Finish Clarinets start Flutes
Wednesday Finish Flutes
Thursday move into the Auditorium
Friday Dress rehearsal
Sunday concert

Number of days in front of the concert band this semester to prep for Christmas concert: 2.

How much and I am loathing my work conditions these days. I hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

How to... or how not to.

So here we go I have over the years collected a goodly amount of knowledge. I feel I should share this with the world. (Those of you who know me well enough can pick up on the sarcasm right??) First lesson: how to date.

Do not talk to the insane. They are easy to spot for they are usually kept in homes for the insane.

Don't talk to crazies. Now these are harder to pick out they are not kept in holding areas like the insane. They can walk among us, though there are some pretty good indicators. If they talk about ex's and use phrases like, "He stopped returning my phone calls and then it said that number doesn't exist anymore." or "Dead flowers are better than no flowers at all." or "A restraining order doesn't mean much I mean what if we just happen to be in the same dark theatre and didn't know it. What are they going to do arrest me there too. Like I knew he had moved and that those were his bushes. And I was just cleaning the lenses on my binoculars there was no need for the handcuffs." Yea that's a crazy. ABORT ABORT. Though they may have some good drugs.

Commitmentphobes. They are really hard to pick out. Most of the time they advertise that they indeed want a relationship and are tired of the one night stands. Tread cautiously into those waters my friend. What they say and what they do are two drastically different things. Do not be discouraged when they stop returning phone calls. This is where you could become a crazy. Just let them go.

Whores. Now depending on what you are looking for they could be it for you, just know that you will have to go through many of them to have a long term relationship. Since there will be many of them don't learn their names cause it won't matter and they probably didn't give you the real one anyway, just call them whores. Of course this makes you a whore as well. Congrats. You should really start a long term with the Dr.'s at the free clinic.

People who are already in a relationship. Now if you are looking to be a guest star in an open relationship or a third in the fun threeway relationship then these are the men for you. They are committed but not to you, or really their partners. They are looking for more ass then their currant partner could provide and thus you. Give it time you won't be enough either. These are whores who are just afraid of paying bills alone.

The nice guy. Much like the commitmentphobe, if it looks too good to be true then it probably is. Many of these men don't exist. People say there are nice guys out there but for all there good intentions will probably spot you as one of the previous and in a short fit of the crazies sabotage any chance for a long lasting relationship because they have become bitter and jade because of the previous types of men mentioned above. The nice guy or gun shy as I like to call them, are hard to pin down. Move to fast and they scamper away never to be seen again. Move to slow and they become bored and move on. It's tough to predict where the balance is. That's why it's all about talking and being honest.

Ok so what have we learned boys and girls................? That's right life's not fair and it is a complete crap shoot. If you look at people and say it isn't fair that those people can have a bf and I can't. Take comfort Indianapolis has a high Syphilis infection rate so chances are they have it and they are cheating on one another and are completely unhappy. And that is what gets me through Friday nights... oh that and heavy handed drinks by Steve at OP's.

Things I am Thankful for

In no particular order just how they came to me. I am thankful for... 1. My mom 2. Podcasts 3. Friends 4. That I live an hour from any of my brothers.:) 5. Steve Drinks 6. My health 7. My musical ability 8. My friends 9. Nieces and Nephews 10. Holidays 11. The fact I get to do something with music everyday. 12. Great conversations 13. Always open to learning new things 14. Not hiding in a closest. 15. Shoes 16. Books 17. Netflix 18. Beer 19. New friends 20. Old friends 21. Laughter 22. My students 23. My sanity... really I am sane. 24. Popcorn 25. Butler Basketball. 26. The fact that my state hasn't passed a marriage amendment... yet 27. Movies 28. My apartment 29. Utne Reader 30. NPR 31. Simpsons 32. Online porn... oh don't look shocked. 33. My laptop. 34. Ipods 35. Very Vanilla Soy milk 36. My Applied music class 37. My composition students 38. blogs 39. Dogs 40. Comic books 41. Pizza 42. John Adam's Short Ride In A Fast Machine Ok so now I can't get it to stop with italics and I now have it stuck on bold as well. Damn it. Ok well I guess I am done. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Do we say too much...

or not enough? I got to say first that those match.com ads still creep me out.

As for saying too much. Today I basically told off Special K. Not really told off per say but I did tell her that I am not renewing my contract at the end of this year. I did follow it up with my frustration in her lack of communication. I was just so pissed off that I couldn't stand it. Really I don't want to be in education anymore so I don't feel as if I am burning any bridges.I am just beyond tired of her. But the question then becomes did I say too much? I didn't call her a stupid bitch. So with that I ask maybe I didn't say enough lol.

In life sometimes we don't say things when we should and many times we say too much and at the wrong times. I sometimes wish I were more assertive. I have never been good at talking to people I am interested in and I never make the first move. The few times I do it blows up in my face, maybe this is why I don't take these risks. But alas we can not change who we are over night.

Match.com ads creep me out

The ads when you open myspace. The girls are just there looking at me and sometimes laughing it's just creepy.

Anyway. So today in a chat room I put up this in my profile, "Do you like music, I mean music you would hear on NPR. If so Pvt me." The moment I do that the first person to pvt me says "So do you own the Paris Hilton CD?" My first thought this guys funny. And then when I said no, he said have you heard any of it it's really good. I told him I had heard enough to know I didn't like and then he got all indignant with me. I am like really it's paris hilton you tool. I told him I thought she was an over produced bad singer with nothing to add to the artist community. His response, "you don't know good music you cow." My response, "Ummm ok, pig." From there he countered with "I hate you." As I am sure you are now, I was laughing to myself. I told him that it was good to be in touch with his feelings. He then said "I would like to feel your cock inside me." Ummmmmm Bipolar much. Seriously where do these people come from. But let's get back to the real issue here. How does one get "I like classical music" confussed with "I like a no talent anorexic hooker so let's chat about Paris Hilton." At first I thought it was a joke but it became obvious, no it was only a joke on him. So that has been my day how is yours?

Is it bad...?

Just a thought, not that I am changing my stance on this, but I have had a long standing policy not to date anyone outside of a certain age range. Mine happens to be they had to be born in the 1970's no I may make an exception for early 1980 but that is about as far as I will go that currently puts my age limits at 27- 36 Which I think is just fine. When presenting this to potential suitors I am met with confusion. Is this odd? I know people who like young people and I know people who like to date only older much older. That is fine by me, I am just not one of those. I have tried dating outside of that range and have met with disaster. Though I must say that those times had little to do with age. Or maybe it did who knows. In any case I find that I get people around 22-24 that want to go out with me. I just have 0 interest in them, and they seem offended by this. I don't get this. I personally would rather date someone my age or close to it. I find people that are closer in age I have a better connection with, we can draw on similar experiences and memories of things that happened at the same time in the past. Like I said I am not really going to change my mind on this but I am curious as to what other people think about setting an age range for dating and is it practical. Am I just shutting myself off from people or is this just better in the long run?

What's going on.

And I said Heeeeeeeeeeey Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey I said hey... Random moment. So I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, I am going to go up to my moms on Wednesday and help her clean her house for my brothers when they get there on Thursday. I am also going to help her with the cooking and whatnot. I just like doing domestic things but only around holidays. Plus it is nice to do things that my brothers would find unexpected. They know next to nothing about me and I like to keep them off balance from time to time. :) I love holidays because you get to do things that you don't normally do like with my family you break out the good dinnerware and cloth napkins. You know things you don't do on a daily basis unless you had a staff of at least 5. Also the nieces and nephews, they are probably as close to children as I am ever going to have. I love them dearly and they are a hoot. They are just great every age with them has been wonderful. The oldest is a teenager now.

For me this will be the first real holidays without my dad. He died last year right before the holidays and I guess it really didn't hit me as much last year but it is now. I think two I am not up there minutes from my mom and that makes a difference too. My dad loved this time of year so much and I guess that is why I love it too. It's the only time I don't mind cold weather and actually look forward to it. because with all the cooking and baking the house always smells so good and the house is so warm. Anyway.

We tend to do more large scale things like big groups of friends get together. I am excited that I have a place big enough to have people over. I am looking forward to it I just wish everyone I knew could be around. I wish J and S could come up and Joe and Kate but I know they have their own lives and that is cool they have lots of family to see as well. I just wish there was more time.

I know this all sounds very depressing but really I am looking forward to it all and am very happy. Just a sidebar sigh that's all. Today I wanted to cook a turkey and go buy a Tree. Ok even I am saying good lord at that statement. I would say that of anyone else.
Well off to bed.

Shoot me now.

I had what was probably the most ridiculous weekends of my life. I won't get into too much detail but lets just say I was tired and drunk for a lot of it and did a lot of things I don't care to do again. From being manhandled, seeing far too many cross dressers, spending time in a bathhouse (don't ask nothing dirty happened), drinking again too much jack daniels. You know one may think I am developing a drinking problem, but I am not an alcoholic. They go to meetings and I don't. This was by far the most bizarre weekend of my life and I have had a few. Although I believe I flirted successfully this weekend and may have actually got a prospect in the way of a date. I did give out a number and we will see if he uses it. If not I am not too torn up about it. Hey I am just happy I didn't trip over myself or say something completely stupid as I often do when confronted with men. We will see.

Evil Jack

Again I took my friend jack out on the town and again my "friend" jack stabbed me in the back. Smoking, talking to strangers, these are all things jack makes me do. I tell you he is no good. I am a little fuzzy on some of the people I talked to. A lot of them seem to know me more than I knew them. This disturbs, a lot. Also I believe Eric from pride band was talking smack about me at this party. I would like to know for the record what I have ever done to anyone in that band. I have in fact done nothing to these people but they like to get their drama on and start talking about people. They have no idea what they are talking about and they continue this behavior and it is ridiculous. This is a big reason I am not going back for a while. Why do I need to go back and be talked about. Screw em. Anyway, back at the party, overall I didn't want to slit my wrists at the end of the evening. Though I must say I am just not big on parties especially when I don't know many people and when people seem to have preconceived notion of who I am. I just don't like having people know who I am when I don't know them. Just saying. I would rather know them and them not know me :P. Avoiding the jack tonight.

Costumes

So the adventure begins in finding costumes. Of course we are doing 3 different things thus we need 3 different costumes. Party on Friday, I am doing a cheap and easy Phantom of the Opera. Saturday the Bag Lady bus tour, don't ask. I got talked into helping with taking photos for it. I was thinking a photographer theme, you know like Ansel Adams however no one would get it. Ah wit is lost on some. So I am recycling an old costume I am going as Sister Theodore Guerin newly sainted. Then Tuesday Skareoke at the metro originally I was thinking Cartman but FN was going to go as Kim Jong-il which gave me the idea of a threesome. We are always looking for 3 FN as Kim Jong-il, Me as Saddam Hussein and Blanche as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (president of Iran) and go as the Axis of Evil. Now Blanches will be hard because people won't get it. Again Smart humor wasted on people. It's funny!!! Oh well Blanche may dress as George W. which will work well. So there you have it Halloween 06. If we can pull off the Axis of Evil it should be pretty good. Come on Axis of Evil that's funny people!!!

Change of temperament

I thought I would lighten things up with tales from the kickboxing class. We had a sub tonight, he is usually in the class and very vocal. He is actually quite fun in the class so it was nice to have him teach the class if the regular girl isn't there. I always love seeing new girls come into the class and be completely uncoordinated. They do make me feel better about myself. The 60 year old woman was there again and she totally made me look like a chump. And the over tanned 40 something woman who apparently lives for aerobic classes. She was a bit to aerobisized. Her thighs didn't touch seriously eat something. Oh well, and that is how I spent my evening. It totally kicked my ass but hey I am down a pant size woo hoo.

one year

It is amazing what can happen in a year and what doesn't happen. I am living in a new place. Still single, still working the same job for the same craptastic pay. Still minus one parent. I have to say it took a long time for me to be somewhat comfortable with Charles' death. I am not sure I am still. When my father died last year a lot in my life changed and yet so little has. I have done more writing and submitting of music for contests and commissions. I have gone to the gym and become dedicated to making my body a healthier place. Even with all those changes I still feel like nothing has. I am sure I am just saying most of this because of the time of year and what today means but I am still very lonely. I know I have friends and I love them so much. I even have had friends move back to the area, which is quite the opposite of how it usually happens. I think I find someone to date and make a connection with but that usually falls apart. Oddly enough it has lately made me more determined. I don't know if that is just foolish of me or not but oh well. Just so much to take in I wish I could say big things have happened in my life. Not even little things have. Right, tomorrow is another day, right??? but why does it just seem like all the other days?

unemployable

Apparently I am completely unhirerable. I don't know which is worse getting turned down by a date or a job. Both you get excited about both you would like to see spending a lot of time with, however they do not feel the same way. Both almost always take the chicken shit way out about telling you. I am desperate to leave my current job and desperate to find a new one. Life sucks. In a major way it sucks. I cannot deal with it.

Big Nerd

I am fully aware of my nerdiness and that it has many levels. If I had a problem with this I would not be telling the following story. I went t Paige's music today to pick up a few things for my classes and they are having a big clearance sale on over stocked instruments. Lets just say if I had the money my shoe fetish would be dwarfed by my music fetish. There was just too many things I wanted to buy. Seriously I need a better paying job so I could buy all this stuff. How sad is that.

Drinking

So again last night my friend Jack and I had a good time. I enjoy drinking but this is the second Friday night in a row that I have drank a little too much. My friends and I met and predrinked before heading to a party at another friends. We really were not sure how this party was going to go over. It was a Clue party. The concept in and of itself was a tricky one to get psyched up for. Anyone who knew me in college knew how obsessed I was with this movie. Whenever there was a movie night at Maesto's place it was Clue and something else. Band trips I would bring Clue much to the chagrin of my fellow bandmates. But even with all of that I was a bit trepidous about going. So much could have gone wrong and so very badly. But I must say it was much better than I thought it would. Maybe that was because of the copious amounts of booze in me, who knows but at the time I really meant it when I said that I had a good time.

We went out after that and I again continued drinking. Maybe I should not have but I did. That was the closest I had ever been to passing out from drinking too much. I did have enough sense to put down the drink and take myself home. I am not really sure how I got into bed but there I was at 7:30 this morning still a little drunk. I got up and god knows how made it to the gym. Kudos to me if no one else will say it.

Ah at least with all the drinking I can still get to the gym. A life goal continues.

Not a Typical Homo

So aside from many other reason I am a bad homosexual the fact that I do not care for costume parties or dressing up for halloween. I have been invited to a sudo costume party this evening. We were given characters to play but no descriptions of who we are to be. So all this ambiguity has left me at a loss. As I am just now looking at the invite I don't think I am who I had asked to be. With the dwindling options a plastic sergeon was one of them. I asked to be that but the name on the invite leads me to believe I am someone else. With a name like Poindexter, and here is a problem point it is spelled differently in two different places Hide on the envelope and Hyde on the invitation. This could be done quite differently, on the one hand I could be a gittery nerd who likes to stay out of the way or I could be a nerd who becomes his alter ego a la Nutty Professor or a more classic Jeckle and Hyde. So that still leaves me with many alternatives how do I do this? Or do I feign sickness and stay home. :) I will never say this again but damn I wish there was a football game tonight I had to go to.

so now what?

So it has been an interesting day. I went in late to work because well I wasn't needed and I just didn't want to be there. I have so checked out. I have to get this job or another one soon I don't know if I can take it there much longer. I am just so tired of the person I am working with. Apparently before I got there she was discussing our differing philosophies in music education with our Paige's rep. Who when I was helping him out with some of the instruments he told me of the conversation. He saw valid points in both sides. He did say mine was more educationally based, though nice to hear I didn't need the confirmation. I know mine is more educationally sound and best for the kids and the program, what did it for me was saying the following."Well not only is it the better choice it makes me full time and keeps me here. Her plan does not." Just once again reinforcing the fact that she will not do anything to save my job, because it inconveniences her. Her comfort is far more important. Well I hate to tell her if I leave her comfort goes down the drain so she looses either way. I am just tired of fighting with her so I am not I am just putting in the bare minimum and going from there. When I find a job I will give my two weeks and take off. I love the kids but not enough to move in with my mother.

btw I did go to the gym :)

Blah Rainy Days

I love and hate rainy days all at the same time. Love them because I can curl up with a book or a movie marathon and just waste the day away. That would all be great if I hadn't skipped the gym yesterday. I should really go but motivation on a day like today is low. And really I love going to the gym I am always motivated to do just about anything after I have gone. I am really glad I have started going to the gym. I am feeling muscle groups that I have never felt before. Either that or they are tumors.:)

Ok well off I go to the gym

Six degrees of Bullshit.

It is so very true that the world is such a small place. I have been insomniac and been perusing my friends myspace pages and finding more and more of them have on their friends pages people who in the past have rejected me. It's been fun. Really it's actually funny in a way. It's interesting to know that people are still connected to you one way or another whether you want them there or not. So this is where boredom has taken me. Ah life. Just think in 29 minutes its a new day. :)

Word 2

So I have been very apprehensive about leaving my current job. Not that I would really feel bad leaving coworkers high and dry in my absence, but that I would in essence leave some great kids behind. As much I may tease them and even complain about them they are the best part of my job. But the fact still remains on what they are paying me my savings will be depleted in 2 months tops. This is a savings I have been building for almost 2 years and in the span of 6 months has dwindled to almost nothing. Now I am not one who has lived in a lavish life style but come on it would be nice not to have to worry about buying milk because it may cause my rent check to bounce.

I have applied for an awesome job with VSA arts of Indiana. I am very excited about this job and I hope I get it. It is so much of what I would love to be doing. Plus as an added bonus it is mere blocks from my home. I would be to the point were I could get rid of my car. I would never do that but how nice would that be? I am 31 for god sake I should be making more. The School is totally taking advantage of me. They are stealing my education, experience, talent and love for this job. The sad thing is I am very good at teaching and I like more that I thought I would but I can't live on the street and teach so I guess I have to choose. Damn life. Oh well, I am sure whatever I find I will love as well.

Oh, Kickboxing, yea totally kicking my ass. But I am loving it. I didn't work out today because my muscles are so tired but I haven't felt this good in years.

Word

So I guess I have found a new way to stave off boredom. I am currently rehydrating after a run in with my friend Jack last night. I woke up around 6 still drunk never a good sign went back to bed for a few more hour. I feel much better. I don't think I am going to make it to the gym today. Had I not drank so much I would have but alas it was not meant to be.

So funny story, some of my students last night started a rumor that the guard instructor and I were dating. Actually their words were "Drunk hook up" I just laughed. This rumor took roughly 3 minutes to get through all the kids in the band. Later I found out that the kid who started it followed the accusation up with this question "Do you think Maestro's Life Partner will be ok with this?" I was worried the kids were really that dumb but hey they do pick up on things. I am never going to come right out and tell them, but the can speculate all they want. As long as it doesn't interfere with my teaching I don't care.

Ah life.

I love Elementary Schools

I was walking back from a good workout and a trip to the grocery store, when I happened to notice something. I have walked past this grade school at least 20 times since moving downtown and I have been past it before I moved down here but I saw something that made me smile. Around the fenced in Playground area were signs. I these signs were flag colors of various countries and also the word for peace in each their respective languages. The fact that these are up makes me think and smile. I would like to think that the teachers for these children are teaching more than just 2 + 2, but more of a greater sense of the world around them and the world they don't know or perceive yet. I love that age group of kids they are so wonderful. Learning can still be a game and fun for them. Ah well it makes me happy to think even if just this small school is teaching like this at least someone is.

Happy F***ing Birthday to me

So I have finally put my finger on why my "relationship" with a certain gentlemen has been weird. It's because he has a boyfriend already who I got to see tonight. That was all sorts of fun. It was confirmed by said gentleman though I should stop referring to him as a gentleman. Cheater or whore will work just as well. I am just saying when I asked him out the first time 4 simple words would have done just fine. "I have a boyfriend" I would have been fine with it but twice spending the night together and me having to ask point blank does not shine favorable light upon him. Seriously what the hell is wrong with me I pick winners I tell you what. I know this is a rant and I may feel differently tomorrow but really. God I hate this crap I am too old for this.

What a day

So I got an extra day off before spring break starts. I would normally feel like this was great except the reason for it was because a student over the weekend died in his sleep, and the funeral was today. I would have gone but I am just not ready to go to another funeral. I actually am not sure I will ever be ready for it again. It makes it even worse since I found out the reason for the sudden death it was from huffing. I just shake my head and think what a waste I mean a young persons death seems so needless to me but when it could have been prevented. It just makes me sad. No, I didn't know the student or any students that did, but when this happened last fall with another student (different circumstance) I just couldn't help but think how would I handle it if it were a student of mine. I have to say I would be pretty devastated.

So I got a free day from work. I decided not to waste it. I have been cleaning and doing laundry all day. I also cleaned out my trunk in my car. I have also baked cookies and cupcakes for my students tomorrow. I know it's silly but I like doing it. Though the more kids I get the harder it becomes I don't really mind. I know I would have thought that great on our last day before spring break we get baked goods.:o) Especially since they have a quiz tomorrow. Now that was crappy of me. But it's not like these quizzes are hard. So I buy them off with sugar. Maybe this is why my class keeps getting bigger. Such is life.

New Hobbies and other ways to waste my time.

So I am sure I am the last person to have discovered this but I have a new love. Wikipedia! I am sure it will lose it's shine and luster soon enough but I could sit on there all day just jumping around from topic to topic. I start one thread looking for the original lyrics for a piece of music my kids are playing and some how get to reading about the four truths of Buddhism. What a day.

So my original search did not actually produce anything useful. I enjoy having the students learn that sometime instrumental music have roots in language and that sometimes that language is striking at times. Example we are playing a wonderfully lush and beautiful piece called "Sleep" by Eric Whitacre. The original text it is based on is by Charles Anthony Silvestri, and is below.



The evening hangs beneath the moon,
A silver thread on darkened dune.
With closing eyes and resting head
I know that sleep is coming soon.

Upon my pillow, safe in bed,
A thousand pictures fill my head,
I cannot sleep, my mind’s a flight;
And yet my limbs seem made of lead.

If there are noises in the night,
A frightening shadow, flickering light;
Then I surrender unto sleep,
Where clouds of dream give second sight.

What dreams may come, both dark and deep,
Of flying wings and soaring leap
As I surrender unto sleep,
As I surrender unto sleep,
sleep,
sleep,

Granted it was originally a choral piece and that is so wonderful, but the wind arrangement is just great for bringing that emotional connection to the kids. Something that I never forget in doing music is that I so want others to get that feeling. The feeling when you are just enveloped in music and the sounds are all around you and you just let go and there is this burning in your chest and you want to laugh and cry all at once. It's like your spirit wants to leap from your body. The music has made your soul so big that you body just can't contain it any more.

It's just so hard to express that to students, well anyone really, so that is why I like to find these types of pieces. As a friend of my was saying that just letting people know that there are other ways to think is so important and I think that's true for letting people know that beyond that there are other ways to feel.

Family

I roll my eyes and sigh heavily every time I think of my brother closest in age to me. We will just call him idiot. We just got all of my fathers farm equipment appraised to sell at an auction. Idiot comes over to my mothers and starts talking about getting all this equipment to use so he can play farmer. 1. He doesn't need to be doing any of this now he has like 1/2 an acre so it's not like he is in a time crunch. 2. As my mother so aptly pointed out I don't want you using this and potentially breaking it before we can sell it. He has his own stuff why he doesn't want to use it I don't know. No I do know why because he is a selfish little twit who probably thinks,"Why should I put wear and tear on my stuff when we are just going to sell the other anyway." There are days that I just don't claim to have 3 brothers.
The upshot is I am nothing like my brothers. I am far more liberal minded then all of them and I seem to be a lot more sensitive and self aware. I think my favorite moment was when my nephew said "Uncle Maestro you are the smart brother aren't you." How does one respond to that? Knee jerk reaction is a simple "Yes." But I refrained and said that we were all smart in our own ways. I think they think that because I understand what it is like to be younger and left out of adult conversations and doings. So I try harder then anyone else to include them and to not talk down to them but treat them like humans, understandably younger less developed humans but humans none the less. They understand more that people give them credit for. They know more and see more than sometimes we think. Not all of them are but there are some you have to watch out for, They perceive the world better than we would like to admit.

Everyone loves a Parade

So the Band just got back from doing a St. Patrick's Day Parade. I really loathe parades. I don't know why exactly I just do. Of all the things we come together for as a community it is one of my least favorites. Watching them is boring enough and participating isn't really that much better. Ah well I guess I am a parade scrooge I can live with that.

On another note I heard back from a college professor about an idea I had to start a new music ensemble here at the school. He thinks it's a great idea and is willing to help me as much as I would need. I am just excited to expose these kids to a more dynamic way of thinking. Avaunt Guarde is so out there and sometimes it's just smoke and mirrors and sometimes it can really speak to you on a deeper level. I mean really I can point out crap when I hear/see it, but I will give just about any art form a chance. I would like to see more people do that. It also means that you as a person are more willing to go out on a limb for just about anything. And I think the world could do with more people like that. If I can do that then maybe that is what I am meant to do. I could think of far worse things to do.

Sigh

Wow it's been awile.

It's been awhile since I have had either the time or the thought to actually do this. Since this is mostly for me and no one else really reads this I guess it doesn't matter. Though I am sure it would make "talking" to oneself a little less crazy if I knew there were people I was talking to. I could gone on and on about things I have been doing or news in my life but I must say I have been nothing but consumed lately. Consumed with this lingering loneliness. This gnawing feeling that my pool of people to really open up with is small if existent at all. I know there are people I could call anytime and vent to but I feel so guilty doing so. They have lives, they have problems too and who am I to dump on them. I know they are my friends and I know they love me but it is sometimes too much for me so why add to their grief.
Yes I guess my life is fine but I really would like someone to have intament times with to share my life and everything in with them. I haven't had a real date in over a year. I try and I go through these spurts of really trying to get out there and date but then the rejection kicks in and the depression and I think why am I bothering. I have to say this last one really put me over. Not even a decent blow off just silence. I am proud of myself for calling one last time then deleting him out of my phone before I did something stupid. I only called the 3 times and I actually talked to him once and then nothing. Well fuck him he's and idiot. I hope he never is happy in a relationship. I really don't mean that but then again maybe I do.
So yea that's where I am in a real crappy place these days. I really don't see that changing. I have and continue to have the worst luck with dating. Even when I had a relationship it was a chore to get it going. I have to say it really does a number on you when you spend a year with a guy that is your boyfriend and he rejects you physically constantly it really fucks you up.
So I will bitch here and probably never speak of this again.

Until next time gentle reader.