Very bad

And now a story of shopping for food.

Once upon a time, circa 5 days ago, I was walking into the local grocers. A Ma and pop store, that has a hundred location in the city and surrounding area. A quaint store run by pleasant people who would rather break your leg than deal with your concerns about the freshness of the orange peppers. Upon entering said store I find myself in the fresh produce area. I love peppers and when I see them on sale I think I should by them except when they are on sale and a bit soft to the touch. I turn to find a young man refilling the banana cart and I ask"How fresh are these peppers?" "What do you mean?" "Well how long have they been sitting here?" "I don't know?"


Hmm he was pleasant, I forgo the peppers in search of fresher things. When I hear yammering from around the corner. "Key lime, is that the stuff with the key lime? I am sure it is the key lime. You wanted the key lime? because I am sure this is the stuff with the key lime. Or maybe this has the key lime, it's the key lime you are looking for right?" I didn't actually count how many times this short older lady with the twice weekly washed and set bullet proof helmet hair said the words Key Lime. But it did feel like a lot. Though on the upside that was good customer service, or at least I think it was someone who worked there.

I round the corner and down to the bread aisle. Now I have been down this aisle several times and this was the first time I had noticed the "light" wheat bread. Since I have started counting calories I have noticed that the wheat bread I had been buying had 60 calories per slice, which really wasn't that bad. "Keylimekeylimekeylimekeylime"

Sorry blacked out for a moment. So the "light" wheat bread advertised 1/3 the calories. I was like hot damn so I pick it up and turn it over to notice "Keylimekeylime..." it actually contained 70 calories. Now I am not good with math problems but I am pretty sure the regular wheat bread kicks the ass of the "light" wheat bread. I could be wrong on this. So I look at the regular again to make sure I was seeing things and that is when I noticed it looking at me as if to say "You think I am fat. Everyone does but really I am just wearing an ill fitting bread bag." "Everyone thinks the light bread is so thin but really he is just wear vertical stripes."
I reply "I don't think you are fat indeed I see through the smoke screen of that false idol "light" wheat bread and choose you." We are both happy "Keylimekeylimekeylime."

I move on with my shopping till I see an old friend at the end of an aisle. "Pringles can!! how are you?" I am well" He sighs. "Whats the matter?" I ask. "I feel abandoned by you." "Well, Pringles can I hate to say it you were very bad for me I had to start seeing other foods, ones that were not so bad for me." "I know I just didn't think it would be forever. I know I was bad but it was only because I was with the bag of Doritos and the french onion dip and those other salty treats." That is true you all made a formidable front in my abdominal region." "Maybe if you just bought me it wouldn't be so bad. I can be friends with the fruits and vegetables. and all that other healthy crap in your cart. Seriously is that broccoli?" "Well maybe this one time as a treat." "That's it buy me! Yea!!!"

I put the can in my cart and move on. "Yogurt? Why the hell are you buying that?" "I like yogurt and its not that bad." "Whatever,...loser." I am sorry I didn't quite catch what you just said." "Nothing, hey is that the chip aisle? We could just go that way for a bit. Or there is the cookie dough."
"Look pringles can I said I would get you but not the others I have to be good." "Yea like that is going to happen." "What did you say?" " I said your hair looks nice." "Thanks I just got it cut."

So down the cereal and packaged food aisle we went. Pringles can and I reminisced. So we were in the frozen food and I found that Pringles can just wanted to go and talk with the ice cream. "Come on you know you want it fatty." "I'm sorry did you just call me "fatty"?" "Look we both know, you are not going to stick with this and you will be back to buying me and all my friends so why not just let it all go and eat what you want now." I open the freezer door and close it again leaving the pringles can behind the almost sound proof glass. I felt so good about my decision that I punch the keylime lady on my way out. Ok I didn't punch her but I would have if she had been around and I knew I would get away with it.

The end.

I wonder if the can is still in the freezer?