Am I cynical?

(Don't answer that I know the answer already.)

So I am gearing up for yet another S.A.D.. I feel at this point in my life I will never have good feelings about this particular day of commercial exploitation. I mean really if you need one day a year and a media blitz to tell you to do something nice for the one you love. Then buddy you are in a sad way. From what I remember of dating, it's been so long, I was never really big on grand gestures or public displays of affection. That doesn't mean I would shy away from a kiss in pubic or holding hands but I would never have been that person who mauled their partner in a crowded restaurant either.

What I love about this "holiday" is that it has no shame in it's exclusionary ways. It is solely meant to just include couples. It's the Noah's Ark of holidays. If you can't pair off on this day then go drown with the heathens. It also makes you feel guilty if you are with someone and you don't buy expensive things. It's ridiculous to think that love can only be expressed through material gain. All those commercials that say "Tell her how you really feel with this heart shaped diamond pendent." Because actually verbalizing your feelings isn't enough. I guess I understand jewelry but at the same time I don't. It doesn't help that as a man and gay and single I have absolutely no reason to ever step in to a jewelry store. I don't wear watches, I don't have anything to buy someone and ... yea that is about it no other reason I can think of. Even if I were dating I don't see the need since well I am gay. So yea the valentines thing is so wasted on me. I find it funny since Valentine was almost my name *shudder*.

When it comes to things like this I am just not the sappy type and I am so not a joiner. Valentines day is all about being a joiner. Feeling you have to do something because everyone else is doing it or people are telling you that you should. I am so not a joiner to the point I sometimes will go against something because someone told me to or all the cool kids are doing it. I guess that is why I am a curmudgeon and happy to be so. I understand the mentality going along with the crowd because who wants to be left out? You know what though sometimes I do. Maybe I am incapable of being one of those shiny happy people. Maybe I don't want to be. I sometimes wonder if I make things too hard for myself, is there a simpler way of doing things? Do I have to be single? Here is the Catch 22 on that thought. I really don't care what people think of me but at the same time I know how I am perceived is what is determining if I get a date or not. As much as I would love a man to just skip past the superficial crap and just get to know me all would be fine. But lets' be honest men are lazy creatures and for them just to skip past the top layers is just far more work than they want to put into it. To let what others think influence me seems like I would be giving up more of who I am. Would I? I don't know. I see people who really do make this all seem very easy and I have to ask myself why is it so easy for them and so hard for me. Am I over thinking it? I think the length of this entry is telling me something about that question. I have done the bar thing, and really that only works for a one night thing at best. I have friends who wonder why I am not sexually active I say it's because I am wanting a guy to be interested in me long than an orgasm. I have done the, do more activities in the community to meet new people. I will have to say I have made some very good friends and have met some wonderful guys that I wouldn't mind dating but I also wouldn't mind dating their partners. See the problem I am having. I have put myself out there, out there just doesn't have much to offer. Again I wonder if it is just location, would I do better else where? But I am in the 13th largest city in the US. I only have 12 other places I could go to make this situation potentially better. I mean it is a numbers game at this point.

Well regardless of all that I am spending my S.A.D. in a bar watching drag queens.