At least something is progressing.

Eight weeks ago I was 228lbs. I weighed in yesterday at 208lbs. woo hoo. My secret goal is to be under 200 by my birthday. I may or may not make that but that is my goal. I have 4 weeks to drop another 8-9lbs. Here we go.

WTF man

First off, yes I have been drinking, But I feel what I have to say is equally valid whether or not I was drunk.

It is sad to me that in the last year I have had 10 dates planned and that only 3 of those actually showed and that of those 3, two ended early because it was clear I wasn't putting out. The other 70% never happened because I was stood up or canceled due to some lame reason and never heard from them again.

Last week I was to have a date with a guy and he "hurt" his back at work during the day and had to cancel. However he never told me this until I was waiting for him and texted. He said he sent me an email on facebook, but I never received it. Tonight we were to meet again but he sent a text an hour before meeting and says he has to work late. I find this a little convenient. He actually said that we would need to push back our meeting time. And then I didn't hear from him again. SERIOUSLY??????

What the fuck!!!??!?!?!?!?!

A few things

I love biking. What I don't love are stupid people and those same stupid people on segways and those people on the 4 wheeled bike carriages I don't know what they are call but I hate them. I am a courteous biker, I tell them when I am coming up on the left to pass people. It's when they don't take heed and I come to a complete stop just to get around them. And then they give me dirty looks for not running them down. I say just run em down it's easier on me.

On to some good news as of weigh in today I am at 214lbs. The lowest I have been in... in... I am not really sure maybe 7-8 years.

Next Tuesday at 10 am Central time I will be interviewing for a job in Chicago. This thrills me to know end. Just to have an honest to god sit down interview and not just a phone interview makes me happy. So I may be a member of the Chicago populous very soon.

Just saying no.

So in doing this weight watchers thing really became difficult last night. The budgeting for drinks was not an issue, however budgeting for drinks and popcorn at the movies was a bit of an issue especially since I had Quiznos for lunch. Not my choice by the way, I met with a friend of mine who I am helping with a camp and she picked Quiznos for lunch so I went with it. Not the worst place but not the best. After the movie we went off to Greg's for a couple of drinks and then as I left to go home there it was, a craving. I was so hungry, I would normally stop at the White Casket and get an order of cheese sticks. I had 4 points left on the day. I looked up what a fried stick of cheesey goodness would cost me. 10, 10 points for 2. I normally have an order of 10, holey crap people. Are you telling me that in my sack of 10 is 50 points and I only get 36 daily points. That almost made me throw up right there. With that knowledge I had to just drive straight home and say no to fried goodness. I came home and fixed a much lighter snack and went to bed only being 2 points over for the day instead of 44. I don't have enough will power for this.

Gaga... no no

So Lady Gaga is in Indy tonight and I have to say I do not get it. I don't care for her music. I have seen her videos she isn't that good of a dancer. Her voice is over producer and it's all just a little too freak show for my taste. I feel like I am the only homo on earth not tripping over myself for this concert.

So, why should I pay for that again?

I was watching TV and saw an ad for Weight Watchers. I have known several people who have been on it and it has worked really well. Actually I have never known anyone who went on it who didn't have success. Well in this ad they were touting an app for your phone to track points. I thought "hmmm, I wonder if my phone has this?" So I did a quick search and there it was. Actually three handy apps. One has a list of foods and what they are worth. Another is a calculator to figure out the points of a food and the last one is a tracker. I just plug in some info and it tells me how many points I get. I can also figure how many activity points I get from working out. I have to say for just using it a couple of days, it pretty helpful. I get 36 points for the day without exercising. Which is good for when I am eating at home and making my own food. I actually find it difficult to reach 36 points. But then for fun yesterday I was looking up some foods and found that one trip to Burger King would cost me 32 points....

Yea just let that sink in for a minute. I about died. Now I have to say over the last three weeks for some reason I haven't had fast food but like twice. Not because I was trying mind you it just happened. and I have lost like 7 lbs. Granted I have also been on my bike a lot but still I can see how my avoiding the drive thru has effected my waist line.

Knowing that fast food has that much of my daily pointage makes me reconsider all my eating choices. I have always justified it away as saying "Oh every so often won't kill me." But every so often meant like 3-4 times a week. Which really adds up. So yea wow. No wonder Americans are such fatasses. I mean I knew this but it's like I really know this, enough so to make me want to stop eating in those places.

Back to my point. If all of this information which is the basis of the weight watchers schtick is readily available, then why should I have to pay for it. Why should anyone. I was chatting with my roommate David about it and he said it's so the people can get together once a week and yell at you for being a fattie. I said awesome yet another reason not to pay for it.

So I will keep using it. It may work it may not but I will know in a few weeks if I have dropped more weight of course it could also be the biking too.

In the spirit of staying positive.

My biking adventures have been paying off in the fact that for the first time in 2 years I am under 220. Or at least I think it has been two years I could be wrong on that. I just know the last time I seriously tried to maintain a healthy active regiment was two years ago when I went to Vegas. Who knows I may actually hit my drivers license weight.

I still don't know.

I have never really had a good grip on what is happening in my life and the more I try to understand it the less I do. So, I think I am just going to let the currents take me where they may. I could quite literally end up in the gutter. Or not who really knows. The past month I have been applying for jobs in another city. I have completely given up on this one. Not that I dislike Indianapolis, just the opposite. I have just come to an understanding with the city that we are both just looking for too different things. So I am breaking up with it.

That really is the best way of putting it. We have laughed and cried together, grown together (especially around the middle) and I think it's best if we just stay friends. No I don't think a change of scenery is going to change anything really but staying in the same isn't changing anything either. It's more than just still looking for a job, it's about how I am here. I don't like who I am here. I am a different person when I am around different people. I was lamenting to a friend and asking if it was bad that I saw moving as a chance to purge friends? Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends here, however I am ready for something else.

I will soon be 35 and will have had one boyfriend for less than one year of my life and nothing else. I will have had 2 jobs I sorta liked and nothing else. Yes yes I know all of that is on me and not my friends or where I lay my head every night. However something needs to change and I am starting with the easiest, location. I have always found it easier to change my habits when I am in a new physical location so this is an experiment. If it works great if not maybe I will head somewhere else. But unlike last time I will have a job before I go. about 9 years ago I moved to Florida without a job and 3 months later I was back. But the flip side Chicago is much closer. And so far job opportunities are greater. As a friend pointed out that there is a larger populous vying for those jobs as well. I say yes however I have found 10 times the number of jobs there and Chicago's population is not 10 times that of Indy. And it's Chicago, what's not to love. Yes winters suck up there but winters suck here and up there I won't have to scrape my car. Yes I will have to walk in it more and that will be a point of contention but so what.

Goddamn it I want to be positive again. I liked myself better when I was and I haven't been for a long time so here we go.

Just tired

Tired of being a complete failure in everything. I have found a shovel and have dug new lows for myself on a daily basis.

Question of the day?

How long do you have to go before considered revirginized?

And two if you have to ask that question as a gay man, can you even consider yourself gay?

Wow

What an incredible past few days. I went to the north side with some friends to see the Butler/MSU game. After we won it was suggested going downtown and see if we could score some tickets from MSU fans. Well we did and I made it to the game tonight.

What a game! I love college basketball and especially the tournament. What made it better that my Bulldogs just kept winning. Always picked to lose each round they kept pulling it out. I went to the game tonight more for the experience than for the win. Yes a win would have been great but when there were 71,000 people in the stadium and the majority were rooting for Butler you have no idea what it was like. It was so cool to here there roar of "B U!" at the end of the "War Song". The whole night was just a high. The team made it such a great game and made Duke earn every point and the win. Butler played a full slate of great teams to get to the end of that long road. UTEP, Murray State, Syracuse, Kansas State, Michigan State and the one that stopped the win streak Duke.

All my love to my Alma Mater and to the best Team Butler has seen.

What an experience. I need sleep now.

Question of the day

So I have to ask is there just a lack of people my age single in this town or is it just me? In my attempts to find someone to spend a little time with I have come to hate the search. It just isn't fun. I know some people do and good for them. I don't like it because it really does just open up new worlds of stupidity to me. Like who really refers to themselves as "an old soul"? Who even talks like that. I have already mentioned my disdain for egocentric, name droppers. But it's so much more. We are all insecure, the more you proclaim you security in who you are the more it indicates your own unhappiness in yourself. It's all about lowered expectation. Life sucks, life is crap let's all just realize that and move on. Once you accept that life can actually be a lot more fun. Trust me I know the story of those in glass houses. It would be difficult for me to throw a stone over the 40 ft walls I have built around my own. I just ... well that is just it I don't know. It would be easier if there were a manual. And people say that would not make life as interesting as it is. Well I am here to dispute that. I think a little help here or there would be nice. Just like on some video game you can choose "Easy, normal, difficult". I would like that option for real life.

Ah well I can ask and plead for such a thing but it will never happen. Such is life.


Really an old soul?????

Spring has sprung

and my spirits a bit too. So since leaving the temp job I have traveled to Iowa to see friends and that was much needed. It was just nice to get away from my life for awhile. But I have to say my life could be much worse. I have been writing again and actually very productive writing. I finished off a trio I had been working on and started and completed a second one. I got a great start on a choral piece and finished the second song to a song cycle I have been wanting to do for 5 years now. Started on the third of the cycle as well. Also finished a string quartet and made tremendous head way on a large orchestral piece. That is the one I have been most excited about. It is also the one that caused me the most panic. I got through most of the material I had sketched out and had on my computer but I didn't have the rest of the sketches on there and couldn't find them in my bedroom. So I went to the storage unit and looked around and couldn't find them. I found a stack of papers I thought might have them so I grabbed them and went home hoping. To my dismay they were nowhere to be found. This is where I worried that I had become so frustrated that I threw it all out or even worse lost it in a move. So today I gave it one last trip to the storage unit and opened every box until (cue angel chorus) I found it. Granted I probably won't use half of it. It still make me happy to have that option again.

So now I am sitting in the central library writing away. Taking a break to do this and then back to being productive with something, if not finding a job.

Star F*%#ers and why I dislike them.

Have you ever known a name dropper? Someone who goes out of their way to know all the "right" people, not because they are the right people to know but because they have name recognition? They will ditch whomever they are with when someone more important walks into a room?

Yea I hate those people. Especially when those people are fine when no one else is around. I have had too many experiences with people like that. Are they so unsure of themselves that they need that kind of validation? The answer is probably yes. I have never done anything that I thought would make me popular or in the right crowd. I was in Band for god sakes. I was on Academic Decathlon in High School. In college I belonged to a band fraternity. There has never been a single thing I have done to warrant being part of the "in" crowd. I have never wanted to be in the "in" crowd. I have always had groups of friends and that has always been good for me.

But these social climbers leave me baffled. There always seems to be an air of insincerity about the way they act and the way they act.

I do feel my distaste for such behavior and attitude that I have become a social hermit. I have absolutely know idea what people think of me. I am pretty sure if they don't know me they think nothing of me. Which is quite alright with me. It is better to be thought a fool then to speak and remove all doubt.

Such an odd place.

This job is so weird. I really can't put into words how weird it is. You just have to experience it yourself. Like I said to D last night I feel like people are being passive aggressive toward me but I really haven't been there long enough for them to get to that point and I am not going to be there much longer for them to even care. It's so strange and now today they are just fine with me. So strange. There are some people who have stay consistent with me throughout the process. They were dicks all the time or really nice.

Just such a weird vibe around here. It might also be that the people here like to complain and bad mouth just about everyone else and will to anyone who will listen. Which is also odd because with the way they talk everyone knows they are being talked about so it just makes everyone paranoid and sketchy.

I love these group dynamics.

My Saturday was so f'ed up I can't even describe.

But I am going to anyway.

So here is a little back story fun. My mother cuts my hair she always has only 2 other people in this world have, well three if you count the time I was 4 and wanted to see if I could just do it myself. I got lots of complements I remember everyone looking at me and smiling and saying "I love your hair cut." And I would respond in the only way a 4 year old could. "Thanks I did it myself". I know they wanted to respond with "I can tell" but they were polite and just told I did a good job. And that is when I learned how to be polite and sarcastic at the same time.

Anyway

So my mother is currently the only person allowed to cut my hair. I like to keep it short and neat nothing fancy. The problem is when it is to be short and neat it needs to be cut about every two weeks. Which is usually fine and sometimes I can stretch it to 3 without anyone noticing. However this year I went 3 months without getting it cut. I was totally rocking a great 80's wave with my bangs. It was hot, I was channeling my inner Zach Morris.

So this meant I had to drive up to my moms at some point and get this done. Because I priced men's hair cuts around town and I am not going back to Great Clips, do I even need to explain that. And Damn, it's pricing to get my hair cut. Having only paid twice and being dissatisfied both times I am sticking with my mother.

So on Saturday I wake up wishing I didn't have to drive an hour just to get my hair cut but I am also going to continue decluttering the house. It has been a chore to say the least. When I arrived I found that my brothers are just not helping the situation. I have 2 brother who live close by, they also have children of their own. They also drop their children off quite a lot. My mother is 65 and has a managers schedule for a retail store. Which means she on average works 50+ hours a week and on top of that takes their children to school every morning and many times picks them up as well or babysits because my brother and his wife are just too tired to deal. What do I say to that, "too fucking bad". Thus my mother house is in a constant state of upheaval. It wouldn't be so bad if they were helping out but the thing is I know they aren't. When I who lives an hour away has to come up and clean it gets old. I would really rather work on getting the upstairs cleared out so that it is functional again. If you have seen the show hoarders you then know what my mothers upstairs looks like. Many times I don't even get to that because I am too busy picking up toys, paper, juice cups and cheerio that have been thrown on the floor.

I want my mother to be happy and healthy but having these jackasses take advantage of her is not going to make her happy or healthy. Just continuing up the ladder of favored son.

As I was finishing up at my mother I get a text from Blanche and he asked about going to the Casino. I was for it. Unfortunately I would be in the clothes I wore to clean and my hair freshly cut which meant I would have loose hair on my shirt but we were going to a whitetrash redneck casino so I didn't care. My casino philosophy is that I only spend $20 and when it's gone it's gone. Which usually works for me. So with my twenty in hand I go to the $.01 slots and spin once, twice and hit 20 free spins. From that I win like $82. I immediately cash out. I had $100 why keep going. I pocket $80 and debate what to do next.

I know I will taunt Blanche and FN, which is what I do. Well that only last 5 minutes and so I take my original $20 and sit down again at the penny slots and expect to squander that away in no time. 10 spins in I hit the free spins again rack up another $60. I again immediately cash out. I am now up $140 and this is where it pretty much stops I played the original $20 away and left with far more money then I walked in with. Sadly the same can not be said for FN and Blanche.

After that FN and I went to Gregs where the Big Gay Band was having a fundraiser. I thought I was saving FN from a guy but I wasn't. The guy was pretty trashed and it was like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of him so that is pretty much how I spent my evening. The drunk guy started flirting pretty heavily with me which was fine because a person I know, we will call him Toby took a shine to the drunk mess. Let's see Toby could aggravate the balls off a pool table and quite frankly if he never spoke to me again I would be ecstatic. Anyway drunk mess drags me to the dance floor and tries to make out with me. I feel this would have been better if we were both in the same state of intoxication. He was drunk I was not. It was clear he was drunk and was way flirty. I did drive him back to his hotel and before you get too excited nothing much happened. I got him up to his hotel room and we pretty much just passed out. The next morning we made out but he wasn't very good when sober. So I just excused myself and went home.

And that was my Saturday.

The End

What is that giant ball of burning gas in the sky?

Glorious, the sun is out, the snow has stopped, the wind is not gusting. I am happy. er. A few weeks back I was talking with my friend about smokers freely get up and walk out of work a few times a day and no one really thinks twice about it. But I feel self conscious if I got up and went outside for a few minutes. But not today. The sun was shining and I really needed that. It just made me feel better like the world and my world were not over. That yes there will be bright sunny days again and I would be able to get out and bike and wear shorts and do all the things I love doing.

Of course we still have to get through the week of snow that is predicted but at least for today, it was nice.

In need of bread crumbs.

So here is my first real, straight up, not just an observation but a complaint about this temp job. The network drive at this place is a complete mess. Nothing is where it logically should be. To find the answers I need I have to go digging through folder after folder trying to determine what they meant by titling things the way they do. That is all well and good, fine have your fucked up system that makes you fall behind and miss every deadline you set for yourself. But here is my complaint. Why, when I email you with a very specific question that you apparently know the answer to you don't answer the question you tell me to look in this one document. I have been here 6 weeks. You would need 4 Sherpas, 3 advanced degrees and a map to find anything in this network drive. I love it when they tell you it's in one folder, you go there and it's not there. You tell them and they look at you with a quizzical look and say "huh". When they know the answer they just don't give it to you, which would expedite the process and get me to doing something else. They seem to think that instead of just telling me they send me on a wild goose chase and then become irritated when I can't find it. I enjoy hazing just like the next guy but really. I understand that your job is hard and you probably don't have time to answer my question but come on.

2 more weeks.

Reinvent myself? Don't mind if I do.

Like it was so easy to invent myself in the first place.

I find it interesting that we throw around this notion of reinventing really anything and anyone. Do we ever? If TV has taught me anything, and it hasn't, it's that we fail when we try to be someone we are not. Any good 80's movie will show that the nerds can be popular for a time but in the end they are right back where they started and they have learned a valuable lesson in those last 90 minutes. *The more you know (cue shooting star)*

If I hear one more person say reinventing themselves I will die. It implies they are shucking everything that was them and donning a new persona. Now we can improve ourselves by going back to school but you never fundamentally change who you are. The old adage 'a tiger never changes its stripes' is very true. Just like in the episode where Homer, Apu and Moe have a bowling team and Mr. Burns joins the team and it looks like he just wants to be part of something more than just himself. He in the end he reverted to his old self and stole the trophy for himself.

In all those John Hughes films they may get the girl or boy in the end but really they go back to being the same geeky/nerdy self in the end.

And why would you want to "reinvent" anything. How often do we hear the saying "Let's not reinvent the wheel shall we." I think that is a good way of looking at it, as potentially counter productive. Add, detract or modify behaviors or your physical self but never try to become something you are not. You are who you are. Any real significant change is going to take years of work and can not be done with a new wardrobe.

Just thoughts to ponder.

Observations on my way into work.

The commute to work is a relatively short one, unless of course I get stuck behind a school bus. Which actually happens more often than not. The other thing that can slow me up is when a cop car is driving in one of the lanes and goes under the speed limit. I want to shake people and let them know that it is indeed ok and legal to pass a cop when they are going under the speed limit and when we have a whole other lane to choose from. I drive a small car so many times I can't see around the minivan, SUV or whatever urban assault vehicle is on the market this year, so I don't know when there is a real reason or the lame one I am usually presented. To these people I say, just go home you don't know how to drive and chip in for better public transportation.

As I said normally this isn't a real problem it's just on those rare mornings it makes me shake my head and a little later to work.

This next one isn't a complaint more of just an observation. The Conseco parking garage may be one of the worst designed parking structures I have ever been in. The fact that for games they have to hire people to direct traffic in and out is not a good sign. I am not talking one or two people like four for every turn in the building. I shake my head because really I am only parking there for another 3 weeks and then I don't have to deal with it. Also I am not paying for it, so I find it more amusing than annoying. If I were paying for it and it was a long term thing then yea I would probably go all belligerent gay driver on it.

The other thing about Conseco is that once you get into the field house itself to get to the lower level there is one escalator and a standard width set of stairs. I didn't mean a set of escalators I mean an escalator that only travels in one direction. That direction changes depending on the time of day. The stairs next to it are not that wide either so I can only imagine what it would be like during a game or other large event. Normally in the morning when I need to go down the escalator is moving in that direction. However this is not always true when I need to go back up the escalator. All of that really doesn't matter because I will always walk the stairs. I don't have a gym pass any more and it's too cold and snowing to go biking so this is really the only exercises I get these days. The funny thing is I never really think about how ridiculous it is for me to forgo the escalator for the stairs. That is until today as I was coming down some people were coming up. I say some and I mean 4. They gave me the dirtiest look because they had to move over because stupid me didn't take the lazy mans way out. I know that is what they meant because when they saw me they looked at the escalator beside them and then back to me with the sourest look they could muster. To that I say, whatever. I need this little bit of work, I am not getting it anywhere else.

Now on this next point I am going to complain because, really. In Conseco is a Starbucks and many people will part on the street outside of it in the morning, run in and get their over priced cup of joe. That isn't my problem, I don't begrudge anyone their morning pick me up. What does bother me is when those people park in clearly illegal parking spots. Example this morning I saw a car parked in an intersection. Imagine a T intersection and the car was parked under the traffic light. Granted the car was probably in no danger of being hit, but come on. Really? There were no other spots available? And just because you put your flashers on doesn't make it any less stupid, rude or illegal.

And finally on the lighter side of things I noticed as I trekked into work today was the pair of sun tanning goggles in the middle of a snow covered sidewalk.

I am going to leave that as my moment of zen this morning.

Stories of my past.

I realized yesterday that it was not only the job market that booted me back to Indiana those many years ago. It was also the appalling stories I came away with because of said adventure. Some may argue that those are part of the adventure but I say they just left me scared.

First I must say that is really is unfair how we in the gay community categorize people. It really is just one group we criticize and pigeon hole. We call this group everyone we personally wouldn't sleep with. Older gay men do receive a lot of this scrutinizing. Example we might refer to them as a sugar daddy or a troll. Really neither are things that we strive for typically. I mean really who wants to pay for sex and who wants to hide under bridges and eat goats?

Not I.

The thing is there are some very nice older gay gentlemen. But sadly they like Lesbians don't venture out after the sun goes down which is when most gay men go down. The following two stories have nothing to do with nice older gentlemen. Well one has what I thought was until two words were uttered and made me think "Not so Much".

While I spent my time in Orlando trying to find a job I decided maybe I could meet some new people. The friends I did have down here really didn't go out that much or at least not when I wanted to so I did a lot of exploring on my own. *Sidebar this is also when I decided to not go to bars on my own.* I found a nice little bar called... the rainbow cactus?,... the blue cactus?,... something cactus???? In any case there was a desert theme at work. Which really was reflected well in the desert like conditions of the bar. That is to say there was really no one there. I sat at the bar and a rather nice older man, I would say in his early 60's sat next to me. I just want to say that I like men around my age and at this time of my life I was about 25 and not really interesting in men that were older than my father. But I will have a conversation with just about anyone. That doesn't mean I will sleep with you or have a profound impact on your life. We sat there for about 30 minutes discussing lots of things like where I came from and what I was looking for in the way of work. After a while he bought me a drink which was nice I wasn't one to turn down free booze especially when I was without a source of income. About three drinks in he looks at me, places his hand on mine and says "You have the most perfect hands." That to me was the strangest thing I had ever heard in my life and quite possibly the worst pick up line. I also am not a fan of the unwelcomed touch. But I was young and naive so I rolled with it and said something I look back and wished I had never let slip out of my mouth. But to be fair I still believe in normal circumstances it was a very logical question. I looked at the "gentleman" and asked. "Why are they perfect?" His response even 9 years later makes me shudder. "For fisting." *Those would be the two words that made me think "Not So Much"*





Yea I am going to let that one sink in, so to speak.






I willed myself not to vomit and composed myself long enough finish my drink in one gulp and say "thankyoubutIneedtobegoingnow........." As I bolted for the door. As I said that I imagine a me shaped cloud of dust still sitting at the bar finishing my drink, because really I ain't wasting free booze.

And people wonder why I am skittish around people and avoid eye contact and conversation.

This weekend was a fine example as I came into Zonies two of my friends were trapped in a conversation with a very drunk, incoherent and what I assume was a homeless man. If he wasn't homeless his drinking problem made him appear that way and that is reason enough to avoid like the plague. I walked in and went straight passed them and to the bar. I have come to just not engage them in he first place. That is how you get invited to start a ventriloquists act.

Yea I said it.

The second story is a little more graphic, well for me it was but no less disturbing. I am not sure if this happened before or after the first story but either way I still throw up a little in my mouth when I think about it. This story takes place before sun down and at a bar that was described in the gay newspaper as "A neighborhood bar." Always be suspicious and always carry Purell. I pull up to the bar around 8ish it is still sunny it was summer in Florida it's always sunny. Anyway the bar is a cinder block building and if you didn't know there was a bar there you wouldn't know it. But that could be said of most gay bars in Orlando so I didn't think much of it. The parking lot was full of cars. I usually take that as a good sign but there were probably a lot of cars in the parking lot of the Hindenburg disaster too.

I go in and this is where I should have just turned around and left, ah hindsight. As I walk in my eyes need to adjust to the near total darkness. There is a light bulb hanging above the pool table and a flickering neon sign behind the bar. I count 3 people in the bar itself. Me, the bartender and someone who actually may have been dead. I go to the bar and order a beer because that is probably the safest thing to get here and I wonder were everyone is. The bar isn't that big and aside from the bathrooms this appears to be the only room in the place. As I sit there the bartender takes the empty from from the man I thought was dead and threw it into a metal trash can and the bottle pretty much explodes and I am hit with shards of glass.

I over hear the bartender say something about someone outside on the patio. Huzzah the patio of course every bar in Florida has more outside space than inside. So I head out. Again my eyes need time to adjust from the near total darkness I was in to the blinding light of... well light. As I round the corner to an open grassy area enclosed by a 12 foot fence I notice to men roughly in their 60's getting it on in the bushes. When I say getting it on I don't mean making out. I mean full on, live sex acts.


Shudder... vomit... shudder again.

It really was comical my response I didn't stop moving from the time I rounded the corner and saw what I saw to just circling and heading back out the way I came. I only stopped because a very short man stopped me. I mean quiet literally put his hand on my chest and stared straight at me and asked "Where are you headed?" I said "Out." He said "Sweety you need to stay." I was like no I really don't. I just looked at him and said "I don't know what is going on here but I need to go." He cleared up a few things when he said "Oh you didn't know this was a sex club?"

And to that I just dropped my beer, pushed the old dwarf aside and bolted for my car.

And so the moral of this story don't ever believe what is written in a gay newspaper and nice old men are rarely just nice.

Where to go from here?

Snow.

I am really kind of over it. The snow and this cold just isn't deciding what they want to do. They come and go and never really take a serious stance one way or the other. If you are going to snow could you not do it while I am asleep and have to clear my car off first thing in the morning. Could ya do that for me? Could you just wait till I am at work and in a parking garage to where it makes no difference to me one way or the other.

Understand I know this is what it is like living in the Midwest. Unpredictable weather and from one year to the next you never know what you are going to get. There have been some winters that it may snow once and that is a light dusting. Those are what I call good years. Then others we are buried in snow for most of January and February. I call those years, the year I am moving from this god forsaken dump. But here is the thing no one place is free from bad weather or things that make living there undesirable. But there is a part of me that would like to give it a try.

Years ago I did try the whole uproot my life and move somewhere far away. It really didn't work. I was there for about 3 months and never found steady work. I bounced around from different places to live. Including a couple that I am pretty sure just wanted me to be a third in their relationship and when I let it be known that I wasn't going to do that it ended pretty badly. When I left Florida I never drove faster in my life. I stopped in Cincinnati on my way back to Indy and I have never felt more relieved to see my friends. I went down there thinking I could get a job no problem, well problem there just were not any jobs to be had. I met some very nice people and some not so nice. I believe I lost a friend out of the ordeal but all in all it was a huge learning experience I never want to repeat. Since then the idea of moving away is still very strong however there have to be certain factors to consider. Like I have to have a job before I leave. I know, I know not as adventurous but probably a way to make the whole situation easier and less stressful.

So until I find a way out I guess I will have to deal with the snow. Booo snow!

Romeo & Juliet? Who the F wants that?

As I was leaving work yesterday I heard music playing. All I caught were the lyrics that stated "We are just like Romeo and Juliet."And I have to ask myself did the person who wrote those lyrics ever read Romeo and Juliet? Because really who would ever want their relationship to be like that. In the end they off themselves, I'm sorry, passed themselves away. They were really just stupidly over dramatic teenagers. I myself would first of all would never want to be compared with that. Who wants to be a teenager and really that whole situation was just ridiculous. If I wanted my relationship to mimic any Shakespearean couple I would probably go with Benedick and Beatrice. Clearly they were intellectual equals. They fought constantly but when it came down to it they really loved one another. When I was a theatre major, for the briefest of semesters my acting teachers said that the strongest choices or emotions you could make were to hate or love. I do believe that. Those we love are also the ones that can frustrate and anger us the most. I would rather someone who can insult me than someone who just goes gooey eyed every moment. Someone who can match my cynicism, bitterness and sarcastic nature would be awesome. Plus I doubt that person would kill themselves over me, because I certainly wouldn't. I may kill them but that is completely different.

Addendum to things I hate.

Mac's. I understand you have some cute commercials and Mac's are suppose to be a lot faster and break down less. That is just false. I hate the spinning color wheel of death. I don't own a Mac and I will never own one because I love my PC. Yes all computers have their foibles and draw backs but I like the PCs draw back more so then the Mac's. I am only using this infernal machine while working at this temp job. *Sidebar I also hate people who think Excel is a database and think that spreadsheets are also a database. They aren't, it isn't, just use Access and be done with it. It's not that hard to figure out.* Though the dock is a nice feature I hate that I have move everything to get to something I already have open. It's irritating.

Ok I feel a little better. Bring on the weekend 10 more minutes.

Woo hoo!

Chronicles of a Skinny man trapped in a Fat man, but at least I am eating well.

I find it interesting that I always think of my physical self in terms of what I looked like when I was in my early twenties. I think of what I weighed then as what I normally weigh and every other time in my life as out of the norm. Really who wouldn't think that? In most cases we looked and felt better as young people so why wouldn't we want to think of our ideal self as that. I did some figuring and I spent about 9 years of my life at this height at my ideal size and 9 year not. So really the "norm" isn't the norm any more. Maybe this is the way I should be? Who am I to argue with my body, if this is what it wants then this is what it should be, right??

Yea that is the mentality that has Montel holding my hand as my leg fat flows over the side of my bed. Not that I think I am obese, well the Wii says I am, but I am not comfortable. I remember what it was like to go into a store and really wear what I want. The only problem then was finding jeans with a small enough waist. Yes I am bragging a bit but really that bragging is negated by the fact that now I am wearing a waistline that dwarfs what I use to wear. When I was in college I would wear 30-31" waist now I wear 36" but really I should be in a 38 if I wanted to breathe freely and not have uncomfortable cramping. I just decided when I hit 36 that I was holding there no matter what. This is faulty logic and I am aware of that. I understand what a corset feels like to an extent because I have done it to my mid section. I am not displacing organs or anything but it does make me uncomfortable after a trip to the India Gardens buffet. This refusal to go higher than a 36 has also kept me in many of the same clothes for the last several years. Because I know that if I go buy new I will find that the size 36 in the store hasn't been stretched out as much as the size 36 I have at home.

For many years I have just ignored the fact that I have been ballooning to the point that if I went to the beach people would be trying to get me back into the water. It hasn't been until the last 3 years that I have sat up, well rolled over and pushed my self up, ok just laid there, and taken notice of my problem. It has been on again and off again with diet and exercise. I feel now is no different. I have no illusions that I am making real changes to my life. I understand that at some point I will flop off the wagon and get the elastic waistband pants out of storage. But for now I am making some head way. I am not going to lie I started to make progress last year at this time and fell off because I left my job and got depressed and got on a first name basis with all the delivery people at Donatos. I do feel had I kept up with it through the summer I would be in a much better place, but woulda, shoulda, coulda never accomplished anything.

So here I am sitting at 222 getting smaller by the day. Although I must say the other day I found out that Jimmie John's delivers and you can order on line and not have to talk to anyone!!!!!!! This excites and terrifies me all at the same time. When it comes to food I am a weak weak man. I will have that extra slice or half a pizza. I am a good boy and clear my plate more often then not. Ok I am going to stand up for myself for one minute here. I eat this way because I always have and it's not my fault my metabolism isn't like it used to be. Well actually I guess it would be since it is my body after all. Sigh, my body has betrayed me without as much as a tweet updating me about it. So here I am discovering the joys of small meals and actually sticking to a serving size, which in many cases is just ridiculously small. I now enjoy the grocery store as much as I enjoy clothing stores. Thank god I can always wear shoes no matter the size the rest of me gets.

Am I cynical?

(Don't answer that I know the answer already.)

So I am gearing up for yet another S.A.D.. I feel at this point in my life I will never have good feelings about this particular day of commercial exploitation. I mean really if you need one day a year and a media blitz to tell you to do something nice for the one you love. Then buddy you are in a sad way. From what I remember of dating, it's been so long, I was never really big on grand gestures or public displays of affection. That doesn't mean I would shy away from a kiss in pubic or holding hands but I would never have been that person who mauled their partner in a crowded restaurant either.

What I love about this "holiday" is that it has no shame in it's exclusionary ways. It is solely meant to just include couples. It's the Noah's Ark of holidays. If you can't pair off on this day then go drown with the heathens. It also makes you feel guilty if you are with someone and you don't buy expensive things. It's ridiculous to think that love can only be expressed through material gain. All those commercials that say "Tell her how you really feel with this heart shaped diamond pendent." Because actually verbalizing your feelings isn't enough. I guess I understand jewelry but at the same time I don't. It doesn't help that as a man and gay and single I have absolutely no reason to ever step in to a jewelry store. I don't wear watches, I don't have anything to buy someone and ... yea that is about it no other reason I can think of. Even if I were dating I don't see the need since well I am gay. So yea the valentines thing is so wasted on me. I find it funny since Valentine was almost my name *shudder*.

When it comes to things like this I am just not the sappy type and I am so not a joiner. Valentines day is all about being a joiner. Feeling you have to do something because everyone else is doing it or people are telling you that you should. I am so not a joiner to the point I sometimes will go against something because someone told me to or all the cool kids are doing it. I guess that is why I am a curmudgeon and happy to be so. I understand the mentality going along with the crowd because who wants to be left out? You know what though sometimes I do. Maybe I am incapable of being one of those shiny happy people. Maybe I don't want to be. I sometimes wonder if I make things too hard for myself, is there a simpler way of doing things? Do I have to be single? Here is the Catch 22 on that thought. I really don't care what people think of me but at the same time I know how I am perceived is what is determining if I get a date or not. As much as I would love a man to just skip past the superficial crap and just get to know me all would be fine. But lets' be honest men are lazy creatures and for them just to skip past the top layers is just far more work than they want to put into it. To let what others think influence me seems like I would be giving up more of who I am. Would I? I don't know. I see people who really do make this all seem very easy and I have to ask myself why is it so easy for them and so hard for me. Am I over thinking it? I think the length of this entry is telling me something about that question. I have done the bar thing, and really that only works for a one night thing at best. I have friends who wonder why I am not sexually active I say it's because I am wanting a guy to be interested in me long than an orgasm. I have done the, do more activities in the community to meet new people. I will have to say I have made some very good friends and have met some wonderful guys that I wouldn't mind dating but I also wouldn't mind dating their partners. See the problem I am having. I have put myself out there, out there just doesn't have much to offer. Again I wonder if it is just location, would I do better else where? But I am in the 13th largest city in the US. I only have 12 other places I could go to make this situation potentially better. I mean it is a numbers game at this point.

Well regardless of all that I am spending my S.A.D. in a bar watching drag queens.

Things I hate

Hate is such a strong word, and that is why I like it.

The top of my list:

Snow
Really this is at the top because I have dealt with it the past few days. Snow itself isn't really that bad, even driving in it I can deal. What I can't stand is the cold that comes with it. If snow could occur without the low temps... well I guess we would just call it rain. But I hate being old and snow does not help me stay warm so therefore I hate it. The snow, though I do not find it difficult to traverse others on the road seem to have a time of it. The fuctard who get in my way don't know how to drive in good weather become exponentially worse as the precipitants fall. I swear you spit on the ground and everyone freaks out. Seriously it's not that bad just drive like an idiot. Of course that is the issue at hand isn't it. Don't drive like an idiot? Practically everyone behind a wheel is an idiot. We are on the right track when we require everyone to pass a test before being issued a license; however I say if they can't pass it the first or even the second time screw'em they don't deserve one. This is why public transportation is the way to go, take most of the problem out of the equation.

So in short Snow=Stupidity, Stupidity=Bad, Bad=Grumpy Maestro.
And even more watered down Maestro hate snow!

Number two on my list:
People who feel like they shouldn't have to do their jobs.
Look people we have to do things we don't like to do. Sometimes we are even paid to do those things. I myself on many occasion have hated one aspect of my job or two and I understand grumbling about it, that is fine we all do that and we need to blow off steam sometimes. But here's the thing, you still have to do it. Also the excessive complaining about the thing you don't do and when you do do it you are bad at it, is probably why no one wants to sit with you in the lunch room.

Number Three:
Mall Kiosk workers.
I know I touched on this a few weeks back but I feel it is worth mentioning again. They are like the homeless, they will stop you when you clearly have no interest in speaking with them. They are pushy and rude. Though they don't ask for change to get a bus ticket because they got stranded downtown, they do ask you to sample something or criticize your grooming habits. Again like the homeless we avoid eye contact, ignore them when they speak to us and cross the street or otherwise get out of there way. The kiosks never have anything I would ever buy. If they did they would have a real store. At best they are an impulse buy like those at the check out lane, except I would actually use a pack of gum.

*Side hate #3a If you are stranded downtown and need to get home why are you stranded everyday for months or even years. Really? You think we are buying that?*

Number 4:
Why oh why does my body produce so much mucus? I mean seriously how is it possible that my body could generate that amount. I mean the laws of physics should dictate that you can not create energy or matter only change it from one state to another. I am not ingesting enough to create this much nor am I getting smaller at a rate that would suggest such a change over. So really what gives? Ok so maybe I exagerate and I am not a slime monster but it sure seems that way.

Number 5:
Can't these people see that I am trying to update my blog. Please stop asking me questions.

The sooner I get this done the sooner I can do actual work.


I kid I mean go to lunch.

I don't have a title for this.

So I lived... well I survived I don't know I would call that living. The weekend got better, drugged myself up enough to go to the roller derby on Saturday. Yet again I am so impressed with the Women of NRG. It really has become my favorite sport. It doesn't hurt that I am friends with some of the players. Of course I became a fan even before they joined or I knew them better. It just ramped up when they did start playing. for two seasons I have only missed one bout and really that was because of a scheduling conflict and not because I didn't want to. Now I know rabid fans of other sports will buy all the trinkets and clothing options available to them to show their support and pride. I am just not that type of fan. I will go to games and shout myself horse win or lose. I will throw things at my TV and in general act like a 2 year old if I am at home. I am very vocal about my fannery...? my fannishnish...? support. I love my teams I love my sports. Note that was MY sports not just sports. Which brings me to Sunday.

Again I am not a fan of the Volleyball but I do have hometown pride. Please understand this does not make me a fair weather fan. I would have as much ambivalence toward the Colts if they won or lost. Yes I want them to do well but I am not going to slash their tires for a losing season. Look I just don't like the people who are down on the Colts after losing to a fine and deserving team. I mean really they made it to the Superbowl. Do you know how many other cities would kill just to get that far. We were that city 3 years ago. To those people who want the head of the coach and players for "giving" the game away, I say this "Don't be like a Patriots fan. Other teams are good and other teams deserve to win to." I am glad it was New Orleans and not some other team. I know I may be gay and that I don't like football generally but I have seen my fair share of games. Neither team really made any mistakes. That interception was just a better play on the part of the Saints. It was a play we had run before so it was easy for them to predict and intercept. I don't think it was a mistake just good timing on their part. So with that in mind I say good job to the local sports franchise on a good season.

TV is so bad.

TV is just such a bad thing, for me most of the time it is just background noise. I sometimes wish I watched more, I mean really watched not just let happen. However after flipping through the channels while being sick I got that reminder why I own one TV and normally do not keep it in my bedroom. When I first moved in with The Nerds, J kept trying to get me to take one of their TV's. I said thanks but this one was fine. I like my 19" flat screen. J thought I was crazy he said it made him sad that I had such a small TV. Understand they have 5 TV's in their house and the smallest is bigger than any TV I have ever owned. This is not a judgement on their television habits. It has just never been a priority for me. I even lived several months without a TV. Granted in every life a little TV must reign.

Anyway.

So back to my adventures in mindless sensory overload. I had to actually say something to the TV when I was flipping through and caught a fashion critique from the Grammy's. What did it for me was some E channel bimbo in a dress too small asking the question "What is this Jersey Shore girl doing at the Grammy's anyway, what has she done but be on a reality show?" Umm I am sorry some ho-bag Kardashian I have know Idea what your first name is, who are you to talk? I mean really what is your claim to fame? I had this same problem when I saw a show entitled "Kendra" I was like who the hell is she and why should I be watching her. My friend pointed out that she had been on "Girls Next Door". ???????? It is apparently a show about playboy models who live with Heff at the Playboy Mansion. Okay I am sure for a straight man or horny teenage boy this is the target group but I am neither of those things so really I say "????????" So yet, another ho-bag I don't care about on my TV. The other day I found out that I can blame Douchy McDoucherson, Ryan Seacrest for both of these brilliant additions to television programing. At least I see the point of him, he does serve a purpose, not a good one but a purpose non the less, much like a door stop or a paper weight. He is a spokesperson for a lame ass show that seems pretty popular and he is a DJ. I don't like him or the show he is on but Hey at least that is work. These people and their reality shows are not doing anything but tanning themselves and shopping. Why do I care? Oh and they complain and bitch about each other all the time. I do that. That's not television that is just life we all do that, we don't need to sit through commercials for that.

These are the role models and examples we are putting out there for our children. I am not saying that every generation didn't have their share of vapid, insipid and asinine people but really it wasn't ever this easy for so many girls to grow up thinking they are nothing if they aren't overly tanned, have the most expensive things and marry a man that will give them a house so big they will never in their life see parts of it. And for boys to grow up thinking they have to have the perfect body, don't need to work and girls will like you for being hot and brainless. Oh and everybody can sing and has talent and should be on television and their lives are worthless if they don't. Look nobody wants to work and everyone wants to be the popular kid and be noticed and liked. But we don't all have to be on TV. It is really demeaning to those who actually have talent and have worked hard for their craft to have some no neck from Jersey take a time slot. Or some whore cry because she lost the label on her hair product (thanks The Soup for that one I would have never seen that without you.) and watch quality shows like "Pushing Daisey's" or "Doll House" get canned. That is all I have to say about that.

And another thing Big Ten Network please stop showing collegiate wrestling I need to get things done today.

My scary story.

I hate being sick really more than anything. The other morning I had probably the most frightening moment of my life. I was in the middle of a dream and in the dream I couldn't breathe. I then realized it wasn't the dream, I in fact wasn't breathing. I always thought is was just over dramatization when people on TV shot up in bed but I actually did. I woke not being able to get air down my throat. My heart was beating super fast and what seemed like minutes I was trying to gasp for air. It felt like someone stepping on my wind pipe. That was about 6ish and I didn't go back to sleep. I have been sick this entire week and last night my fever really peaked. I was under several blankets and was still shivering. I was afraid to sleep but at the same time I knew I needed to. I awoke this morning in the same position I fell asleep in which is never a good sign since I toss and turn so much in my sleep. Anyway, all of this is bad but really what scared me the most is that I was in bed in a house by myself. The roommates had left for the weekend on Thursday and I was convinced I was going to die in this house and their cats were going to eat my face. I already have that fear because well they are cats.

It's not so much they dieing alone thing because really unless I was taking people out with me we all die alone. It's just that I don't want to die when someone could call 911 and save me. That just seems unnecessary. The upshot is I am not dead... yet.

Hack Hack Hack

Dear whatever the f*#k is going on in my sinuses,


Seriously I had this cold like 2 weeks ago. Why do you feel the need to come back? I personally love the snot collecting in the back of my throat that I can neither cough up nor expunge while blowing my nose. I also enjoy the addition of the acid reflux that just makes me want to vomit every 5 minutes. You really know how to make a boy feel good all over.

I look past some of that but you make it so I can't sleep. Even though I am thoroughly exhausted. I toss and turn. I wake up periodically not because I have coughed up a lung and not because my nasal passage has become blocked once again, but because I can wake up and I do so just to piss me off.

If you are going to make me feel this way at least have the courtesy of letting me loose a few pounds in the process. However I feel like that isn't going to happen. In fact I feel I am probably going to come out of this heavier than when I went into it. To that I say f*#k off.

Thank you

I ask you, why?

Have you ever had days where all you want to do is vomit?

That is how my day has been going. I woke at about 5:30 this morning and was in and out of sleeping until my alarm went off. The thought of actually food just makes it worse. Just typing that made it worse. I was on the phone with someone who used to work full time here. He still sorta works for this place but really in an advisory role. He asked if this job has made me bitter yet. I just chuckled and said that I was bitter before getting to this job and then he asked if they had made me cynical again I responded by saying I have been cynical since the age of 6.

I think I go into most jobs these days with a lot of cynicism. I think rightfully so, because really I have yet to find a job that has been completely fulfilling. I mean it is always something and even on interviews. I always walk away with a little trepidation, like do I really want to work here for these people. But the answer is always yes it's a job I will take it and look for something else. If it were only that simple. I would like to think that the universe is doing me a solid by not getting the job. But I can't help thinking that it is just mocking me by sending such lame ass jobs my way.

It's not just jobs, I decided this weekend that I would like to date. That isn't true I have been wanting to date for a very long time. I just took a long hard look around what Indianapolis has to offer. Though I knew going into it that there really was nothing. It was painfully clear this weekend. Actually it was just painful. I just either decide to give up or leave. It really has come to this. It's not like the jobs are abundant here and the dating pool is very shallow in more ways than one. So really the question is why stay. I really am hard pressed to find reasons why. Yes my friends are here and... . That is just it, I have come up short on anything else and as much as I love my friends I can't justify staying here for just that. The problem is I don't know if it will be better elsewhere. With nothing solid waiting for me somewhere else I feel I am stuck here.

Ok this is just depressing me more.

Friday, with a short review.

In the news today... I swear I should just stop trying to be informed because I find the more I read the less informed I become. Really my problem is that I always look at the headlines Yahoo provides and that should be my first clue to move to another site. But you know how it is, you have a routine in the mornings and mine involves checking my mail and since mine is a yahoo account I get the yahoo news on my opening page. And sometimes it's the titles alone that make me roll my eyes and want to go back to bed. I probably shouldn't say this next thing because really it will just feed into the problem as is but here I go. The top news story on my list was not anything about the State of the Union, nothing about Howard Zinn dieing or J.D. Salinger or even Zelda Rubenstein going toward the light. But it was "John Voight weighs in on the Brangelina break up 'nonsense'".

Really!?

That is all I am going to say about that.

I do want to say so sad about J.D. Salinger. Of course I really thought he was dead already. But you know still sad. One of my favorite books is "The Catcher in the Rye". I never had to read it in high school it was never on any of our required reading lists but I got a copy in college and loved it. Talk about angsty teenager, Holden Caulfield was it. It's funny to think it has become cliche, with how much J.D. Salinger himself shunned the spotlight and popularity and his most famous character seemed to scoff at such "success" as well. I think all males should go through that kind of brooding stage in their lives, I think most of us did. Some were better at hiding it but I really think deep down we all were a little bit like Holden, wanting to be done with adolescence and the hoops we were made to jump through. At the same time not wanting to be thought of as adult or even worse being an adult. Caulfield embodies so well that one point in our lives that for a brief moment we escape the bonds of childhood but before we are put into the confines of adulthood. It's like when a prisoner is taken from one cell before being put into another. For a moment you get to stand up, stretch, see the sky and take a full breathe of fresh air before being shoved back into a box. "The Catcher in the Rye" is one of the only books where I am pleased and happy to not know what happens next. I feel I would be just like Holden disappointed with the future of this character. I don't remember exactly but he ends the book by saying he was asked what he plans to do next year at school and he says how does anyone know what they are going to do til they do it, that is a stupid question. And man is it ever.

It's only 9:30am

So I come into work (temp job) and find I have no emails and no phone calls to return. The crazy woman that works in the office across from my cube keeps walking back and forth for no apparent reason. I really have nothing to do the scanner and the copiers aren't working or at least what I need them to do they are not working. So here I sit collecting a paycheck and counting how many times this woman power walks passed my cubicle. I open my yahoo account and find not much there and nothing to really respond to. So I check (there she goes again) the news feeds to see if anything interesting has happened. First article is about the state of the union. I click on it and yahoo news tells me that the story has expired. I click on a few more articles all of them give me the same excuse. I check the time stamp on these stories and they are only like an hour old. I think this is odd and now I am just clicking on random articles to see which if any actually work. The only one I got to open to a "story" is about brangelina breaking up...??? (I had to go back and get the spelling correct)

Really. Now I am convinced we are in the end times. The second coming of Jebus. And thank god I don't know if I could take any more of brangelina stories or anything like that. (She just made another pass by the cubicle) I did just realize that you may have thought I was referring to the world coming to an end because of the break up. Let me be clear that is not it. I actually am begging for the world to end if the most pressing news event is a break up of celebrities. Though any more that is all we get most of the time. Which brings me to a suedo news story. This actually is sorta. I hate when I flip through the channels and "news" people are yell at me. Example Nancy Grace, my god that woman could make paint peel with her voice. And don't get me started on the hair. I thought only drag queens needed that much help with a wig. Anyway, apparently she had a guest on her show whose child had been missing. Nancy badgered her and basically accused her of doing something to her kid and that is why the child was missing. I don't know all the facts of the case. Maybe the woman did off her kid but what I do know is I am not shocked that hairzilla could have yelled and belittled her guest enough to have the woman in questions off herself, I mean pass herself away. So now NG is being sued for wrongful death and her deposition is being videotaped. Ms. Grace does not want her testimony taped. I love the irony of it all. (seriously stop doing that woman sit down in your office and stay there for more than 10 minutes) So yes I love when loud mouth people get their cumuppins (is that a real word?).

So yes sad news that I can't get any real news and even sadder that this post only took up 20 minutes of my day. But the up shot is I just got paid to do this post. Woo Hoo!!

How to ruin a happy moment.

So the question is, what is considered a good sales pitch? I walked through the mall yesterday because it was cold outside and I needed to get lunch because I walked out the door yesterday morning without my lunch. I should have just gone with out. I had thought of doing that except I really hadn't eaten anything that day and really needed to. I was excited because years ago when I worked downtown I would always say we needed a Panera in the downtown area. And what did they just open? Yes, a Panera I was so excited. Of course one meal or more accurately one sandwich from them is more calories then I need in a day but it is so good. Anyway I knew that I could stay indoors most of the way there and back which always makes me happy. I get down there and get my food and start heading back. So far so good.

Alas I was stopped.

Now I never buy anything from those kiosks in the middle of the mall. I always think of it like buying something at a county fair. At 8 years old you totally think you need it until the next day when you find that it broke a little to easily. Now I know the products from the mall kiosks are probably better quality then the wares of a carny but really these businesses last about as long as a street fair and they pack up just as quickly at the end of the night. With that said I doubt I would be swayed to buy something from one even if their approach was better. I was walking along with my bag of bready goodness when one of the mall carnies stops me. Actually he saw me coming and stepped into my path and spoke. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I am in a hurry sorry don't have time."

"Can I ask what you use to shave, cause I have something that can help you with that." This was said with a scowl that suggested that I, the elephant man, had done terrible things to my face. It was the "with that" part of it that was said with the most disdain.

At this point I decide to make eye contact. "I really don't have time, and I have a mother to make me feel bad." And then bolted. I mean really even if it where true and it probably was that is no way to make a sale. What did he think I would do? Stop and say "God yes I am hideous, please please please make me look better with your $40 miracle cream." I can't imagine that would make anyone want to buy whatever he was selling. And here is the funny part of the story, he really needed a shave.

I don't know.

In this time of flux I have been asked several times, "What do you think you want to do?", "What kind of job are you looking for?" The quick and most honest answer is "I do not know." But the most honest answer is met with some odd looks. After your first semester in college it is often looked down upon to have that kind of answer when it comes to career choices or goals. You are an adult you really should know what you want to do. Yes, ideally I should know what I want in life. But what if what I want isn't a possibility anymore? What then? Is it ok then to have no clue? I don't know if it is ok but it is the truth. Anyway isn't honesty the best policy? There are lots of things I can and will do, but are they what I want? I have had more than one person tell me that they started at a temp job and they are on their 8th year with that company. I don't want to say that isn't a possibility but really I am tired of things just happening to me. My job at the theatre just happened and my job with Special K just happened. And look how well that turned out.

I would say yes I will make something happen but what. Yes, I do have ideas of what I would like to do. Are they practical, I am not sure. I don't think I could honestly make a living doing them. There is a difference between not caring about making a lot of money and choosing to be poor. I do know I do not want a job that is going to eat up all my time. Doing my job and a bulk of Special K's job was way too much. There has to be a happy medium.

So where does all this leave me? Hell if I know.

Are there things I enjoy doing? Yes. Here is the problem what I want to do or better yet like to do, society doesn't place a high priority on it therefore it doesn't get much financial support and so there are not that many opportunities for it. The other thing is that some of these things are already saturated in the community and do not need one more person trying to make their mark. Maybe I have too much humility in this area that I don't believe I could do these things better and make those doing it badly or sub par obsolete. But I know what I say about those people with that mindset I don't want to be another casualty of other peoples judgement. I don't actually know I am smarter or better than anyone else. When it comes to this I find myself in a catch 22 situation. I see nonprofit musical groups that are poorly run and many times that can be circumstance but many times it's the people running them are just not very good at what they are doing. But here is the catch, I know they are doing poorly, others know they are doing poorly but they think they are rockin' it hard. I just don't want to be one of those people who think they are doing a great job and in reality are sucking the big one.

I understand having confidence in yourself and everyone else be damned I know what I am doing. That attitude can make you very successful or just look like a complete fool. I feel like a dog that circles before finally laying down. Except I just keep circling.

So you have written a novel.

I was bored the other day and I figured up that with this blog I have written enough for a short novel. That is kind of sad that if my energies were placed somewhere else look at the amount of work I could have accomplished. Not that I feel I have the talent or creativity to actually write a novel, but still that is a little crazy when you think about it. On the other hand this has probably kept me out of trouble. Which is probably a good thing.

So the weekend was what it was. I saw Avatar again, the nerds hadn't seen it so I went with them. After that I went to Zonies to meet up with friends who had gone to a Bingo fundraiser that was put on by K.I.S.S.. Not the band but the group called (I think I have this right) the Kinky Indiana Submissive's and Slaves. I feel I need to place a pause in here somewhere. I am not sure what this group is about but I am pretty sure I could figure it out. It is probably what I think it is. To that I say, to each their own. That saying has never been truer to me then now. I myself would never what someone to Dominate me nor would I ever want to be with someone who is completely submissive to me. Because as I understand it this behavior sometimes is carried beyond the bedroom and into everyday life. I just can't see it. I don't like being bossed around and as much as I like bossing people around myself I would have no respect for a partner that would a. want that and b. put up with it. Call me old fashioned but I want my spouse to be an equal partner. I guess that wouldn't be old fashioned at all. Old fashioned would have me married to a wife that has given herself over to me completely. And well, I don't want a wife. So yea I don't know what that is all about but I am kind of sad I missed that. but not really.

On Sunday I forewent the watching of the Colts game and went to my friends the lesbians. Now that isn't their name it is just what they are. I hadn't seen them in a long time and they have a little girl and when you don't seen your friends for 5 months not a big deal but when you haven't seen an 18 month old for that amount of time that is a significant part of their life. She is running around talking and playing. It was cool to see her even though I make her cry and not want to sleep. Ok that sounded bad for me. Let me clarify, I didn't make her cry. She just knew that there was another person talking to her moms and she wasn't in the spotlight anymore and therefore cried. She smiled and even laughed when I was there. She just didn't want to sleep. :)

So that was the weekend I am not back at the temp job and still kind of bored. It's a lot of hurry up and wait.

Good times.

Am I really that great???

I know competency is a rarity, but seriously if one more person fawns all over me at work I am going to punch someone. I have never been good with a compliment so that is part of the challenge. At this temp gig it has been a daily occurrence. I swear these people have never seen someone who just does their job. I know a lot of it is after teaching, a lot of things are cake. I say that and what I mean is I am not used to this much down time. When I was teaching I may have 30 minutes at a time to catch up on paper work or communication during the day. So much of it was pushed to after school and at that point I just wanted to be done with it, so some of it would back up. When I am here I am easily bored. I watched "Office Space" the other night and when Peter meets the Bobs for the first time and he says he spends the first hour of the day just starting at his desk I know what he means. I am not belittling this job I am just saying it is just a different pace. I am used to being "On" for 6-7 hours a day. That left very little down time. I loved days where I did tests. Oh how I loved those days. I would usually do them on a Friday and have every class do one. Those were such slacker day. I could just sit in the quiet room and shush people and collect tests. Loved it!!!

I am sure with this job I will come to slow down and settle in and not be so bored but right now I am.

New Year?

So with this new year I hesitate to say anything is really new. I mean I still write 09 as the year and the scribble it out and put 10. That's not really new I always need about 2 months to get on board with that. I don't need the year to be new to look at myself and say "I wish I could drop a few pounds." Because really I do it most everyday. It's not like we get a new year smell like we do with cars.

But wouldn't it be weird if we did?

So I am focusing on something old, we call her Blanche.
Just kidding.

Really I just need to keep record of were I am, yes weight has been an issue for me. Not that I ever want to be as thin as I once was because really that was just unhealthy. At the same time I am not happy with my size now. 140 at my lowest and thinnest and 240ish at my heaviest. I am a stress eater. It's a vicious cycle one I just need to break. I stopped weighing myself around May and I know I went way up probably more than I thought. The upside to being homeless and staying with friends I don't have the money to eat out and that is going to change your eating habit. Also J & D eat a lot better than I do. Well D does, J just has to hide the snack foods. So with that I know my caloric intake has been much lower since October. It's one thing to eat a large pizza when you are the only one watching but when there are spectators you feel the shame more.

So back to time line at Christmas I started weighing myself again and I was at 238lbs. At the start of January I was at 235. I am today at 229. I am not even going to set a goal. I am just going to ride this and see where it takes me. I do miss biking and that will help when I can get back to that. But in the mean time I am just going to continue the habit and see what happens. I do miss feeling better in my own skin. I have always felt I was over weight even when I was super skinny but it wasn't a constant like it has been for the last 8 years.

So who wants qdoba?

Things I have learned

Having been unemployed, I have decided a few things. I don't like being unemployed. I also do not care for a desk job. I am currently temping and am working basically a desk job. Granted I probably would enjoy it more if it were actually my job and there would be some ownership to it. However I really don't like it. Also I know at this point beggars can't be choosers. This whole process has been a study in humility (or maybe it is just humiliation). I say this because really it's a downer all the way around. I really didn't think it would be this difficult to find a full time job. My biggest complaint is that businesses are just not as professional as one would hope. Yes, yes, yes I know, having worked I should know that people are in general spineless wonders who couldn't find their ass with both hands. It is just a huge disappointment in humanity all the way around.

The other thing is one would think being unemployed, essentially homeless and constantly running out of money with no hope for more on the horizon I would be more stressed. I am, don't get me wrong all those things above is enough to call an assisted suicide hot line. However I find that my stress levels are really much lower then they were when I was working against Special K. I saw her in Target this weekend. I just put the stuff I was carrying on the nearest shelf and walked out. I went to another Target and purchased what I had before. I know that may have sounded a bit much for me to have done. But really I just didn't want to deal with her. The last time I saw her was at the end of May and the last thing I said to her was "I have nothing I want to say to you." So even a chance encounter is one I would like to avoid at all cost. Not that I really thought she would engage me, it was just that slim chance she would that initiated the flight response. I haven't spoken to her, seen her or heard from her in almost 8 months. And what a glorious 8 months that has been. I have found that I have more free time in conversations since I don't have her to complain about. So again a bonus. I know I am a notorious complainer, and I must say I have done a relatively good job not bitching about leaving the school. Mostly I just try not to talk about it. Which is actually very easy to do. I just say I was downsized and leave it at that.

So that has been my life in a nut shell... avoidance. :)

Something depressing to ponder.

Are you familiar with the Drake Equation it is a mathematical formula used to determine the number of worlds in the universe that may have intelligent life. If so imagine if you were use the same principles to calculate the number of people in a given city that you could potentially have as a bf. Well I did. Here is what I came up with.


750,000 people in the city I live in (roughly). Divide that in half since half are female.
375,000 Men in the city. Only 10% are homos.
3,750 Gay men in the city. Now I am looking for a particular age group I figure that it probably covers 20% of the population.
750 it is getting bleak people. And since we live in a red state only about 75% will be out.
563 Ok so I probably also want them to be single. Luckily most gay men are. Probably 60% (I am trying to be optimistic)
338 And I would like them to be college educated one out of four Americans have college degrees.
85 I rounded up. I would like a non smoker. Cut it in half cause the gays like to smoke.
43 again I rounded up. About half would be attracted to me.
22 and I would be attracted to half of those
11 men in this city that could potentially be a boyfriend.

The percentage of men in this city I could have as a Boyfriend is .0016% that is 1 out of 68,181 people, I rounded down.



I only have 374 friends on facebook.