Taking a moment for myself

I tend to be a little more introspective than what is probably healthy for one person to be. I find it keeps me from enjoying the moment more often then not. Yesterday was in fact a fun day and evening. Last night I went to a party for some new acquaintances who were celebrating their 3rd anniversary. They are in fact wonderful people I really like them a lot. These are people I would like to become friends with. I find this true of most of the new people I have gotten to know this summer. Unfortunately I reflect upon many of my friendships and how so many of them are very deep connections to people. People I feel are truly family to me. As I was saying to my friend Sarah a few weeks ago about going to her place in Iowa again for Thanksgiving I said I should really spend time with my family this year and maybe next year spend it with people I truly love. I said it jokingly but it is true. I love my mom and to an extent my brothers and their wives and children I feel much closer to the people I spent Thanksgiving with last year. With the people I have met of late there isn't much more than just surface conversations. As I have said about my late friend Charles he didn't just ask "How are you doing?" He would ask "How are YOU doing?" with a sincere concern as to my well being. True, friendships like that are developed over time and don't just pop up like a Starbucks on the corner, but the new people in my life right now just seem so hollow. I just begin to wonder what is the point. There are just some people that I look at and don't see myself calling on a whim and asking to dinner.

I know the following statement isn't true but I have often stated that I feel like such a tag-a-long with my friends and these days it's less about being a tag-a-long and more as a prop saying, "see I can be friends with people accept me." I know that is not true, but I do feel like an accessory. Also I get a weird feeling that they are dragging me into the situations because they feel they have to for whatever reason.

I have become more active in the community because I want to help and do some good. With that I have some how been spending more time with the people that also do the volunteering and organizing. They are great don't get me wrong but I just feel like an interloper on this circle of friends that has been long established. I just feel awkward. It's like this, when an invitation is issued to one of us it is understood that we all would be there. I hate that. I want to be invited because they genuinely want me not because they feel obligated.

As I write this I am reflecting on my many of circles of friends and in none of them do I need to impose myself into them. They are all very welcoming and inclusive. Never do I need to force myself into a conversation or social situation. With this new group it's not that they are rude or not welcoming, but for the most part I feel they just want to ignore me because they don't know me. I find it fascinating as a social experiment. Outside of Blanche, FN, Romeo and mom no one really engages, I mean really engages. I have never had to work so hard to interact with people in my life, it's kind of exhausting. Again I would like to clarify I don't feel that any of them are intentionally being rude or obtuse, I just get an odd vibe from them.

The other thing that has been disturbing me lately is that I have become disappointingly adept at being alone in a crowd. Though a skill no doubt, but still disconcerting that I can become so detached from the humanity that surrounds me. Though worry not for me I am fine just doing a little looking around my mental status these days.